As Mother’s Day approaches, I have been thinking once more about the loss of my family and how it keeps affecting my life in subtle ways. I’m sharing what happened a few weeks ago as it is appropriate for what is felt today, so much of me wanting to give up, knowing I still can’t.
April 28, 2025:
While relaxing this evening a thought jumped into my mind, supposedly from wondering about relationships, feeling loved or not and why. Thinking about my own children and their absence as well as the little boy Luke who was left in my care for a short time while at work today, and the fact this child had the same name as my youngest son. I don’t believe in coincidences, so acknowledged it was not an accident this child has inadvertently become part of my life. That his mother who I barely know, would just leave him with me while she ran another errand, should have surprised me, but it didn’t. These are the kind of wonderful situations I often find myself in – it is what makes my journey so special.
This all made me think about a friend saying he’ll try to bring my kids back into my life. Little Luke was kind of at the centre of all of this because he seems to enjoy being around me, full of stories, laughs and smiles which bring me joy. This in turn made me wonder why my own children did not want to be in my life at all. How they could forget the love they received from me. While I did not have a choice with my mother, they seem quite happy to completely eliminate me from their lives. It is the not knowing why which makes this all so difficult. How must they see me to shut the door so firmly behind them? Yet a stranger would leave me with her 6 month old child whom I’ve only met twice and not doubt her decision to do so?
What came to me was the idea, if a child grows up in a family situation where their mother is not shown true love or respect, can this child then understand how to love and respect their own mother? Knowing it is not in their true nature to be so disrespectful, I see my children were taught by example with repeated influential behaviour altering their perspective of me over the years. In my case continued manipulation of the truth would extend to my adopted family, not just my 2 ex-husbands. Their combined efforts and repeated lies, made me into the person they wanted my children to see. This was meant to destroy me, and it very nearly did.
It became a kind of a magical moment to accept the idea of them seeing then, by example, someone showing me respect and love. Over time would a respectful relationship reverse the damage done so my children could see me as I truly am, not who they were taught to believe I was? In reality, they have never known me, what I’m capable of, what I’ve been through and what was sacrificed to protect them. This was the same for me with my own mother actually, coming to understand through my own difficult choices and experiences, how similar my life became to my mothers. Although we walked in different worlds, and even though she did what she thought would protect me from hers, we still came face to face with some of the same ghosts. This was inevitable as we shared love for the same man whose life influenced us both. He was at the center of our combined universe, we just could not hold onto it as it was completely shattered.
Because of this journey and over time, forgiveness came through the process of letting go of my hurt. This allowed me to let her back into my life, respect her and now love her. Is it possible then for my children to do the same?
0 Comments