It is time to speak about my mother. It is time for me to remember who she was to me, not the world. It is time for me to forgive and return to the love we shared. It is time to become my mothers daughter.
None of us can know how we would react in the severely traumatizing situation my mother endured. She had a strength beyond measure, something to be admired, although she was mostly misunderstood and criticized for her choices. This still did not prevent many to admire and look up to her, her courage to be applauded. But for me, her choices made for survival, had devastating consequences. For my father, it meant the end of his life, the knowledge for both my mother and I resting heavy on our shoulders throughout our lives. She died of cancer, but to me cancer is just a symptom of regret, deep hurt and repressed anger, all negative energy stored in the body eventually becoming such an illness.
My mother was Jackie Kennedy. She gave me up to save herself, to save her reputation and save her legitimate children. What happened to me because of this decision, became the darkness shadowing my life, causing me to shut the door on all that happened before and after. Until now. The secret service arriving at the store reminded me of my mother, her image popping into my thoughts as soon as I recognized their energy. I had the good fortune to be off for a couple of days after their visit, so was able to process what their arrival meant for my life now.
I have not, over the years, given my mother much of my time. When I realized it was her action to save herself, which in turn, plunged me into the dark world of abuse and torture, I admit to having trouble finding love in my heart for her. It was during a recent healing session in which I remembered once again myself as the happy carefree child I had once been. I began to realize the importance of accepting my mothers actions. Hearing my own musical laughter, seeing the complete joy in my face and being aware of the light encasing me, I knew this was the key moment which would help me forgive, love and move forward once more.
My mothers actions, put me in a situation which forced me to betray my fathers location. I have held onto the responsibility of this betrayal for all these years. It is time to give that betrayal back to my mother, as it was her decision to hand me over. “Now hold on a minute, they tricked me” was the message John gave me from my mother while he was here, staying with me last spring. I have no trouble believing the truth of this statement. Jackie was going through her own special kind of hell when she made the decision – it would have been very easy to manipulate her to get what they wanted. So laying the burden back at her feet is not about hurting her, it is about releasing what never belonged to me. In doing so we both can accomplish what is necessary to move on. For me, I begin to feel her presence once more, feel the love we shared and make room for forgiveness to replace the fear and hurt stemming from the situation she placed me in. For her, acceptance of her mistake, however innocently she made it, is the key for her spirit to at last Rest In Peace. Also, she is now free to help me remember what was good and right in our lives before we descended into the darkness, so she can move on. Those men were a reminder of who she was, what she endured and the promise newly made to help me now. I am stronger because we are a family once more. Although both my parents are in the spirit world, they are together once more and I feel their presence as I move towards the future I want. It is because of their love, I can finally release the shackles of my burdened past and move forward. Remembering and accepting the truth of who I am means it can never be taken away again. I have been afraid to Own the truth of who I am, but no more. It’s time to set things right!