It is strange how the loss of one perfect thing in your life can bring in negative thinking. For me this past week it was losing the hot water in the bathroom where I shower. The front of the apartment has hot water, just not the back, so I could have a bath, but this conjures bad memories. This is something always sitting in the back of my mind, my discomfort with taking a bath, just looking at the tub, even though it is a beautiful old fashioned looking claw foot tub, brings unease. Once more I am reminded of how my past controls my present in certain ways. There is the added discomfort of my heat not functioning properly as well. This means I am cold in my space which is normally very warm. I don’t deal well with the cold, spring/summer is at the forefront of every thought. I must accept and stop trying to pretend acceptance for winter because really, I hate winter. There is nothing about winter that I enjoy, other than the first snowfall, providing it is not a blizzard. The icy wind, icy sidewalks and roads, the layers and layers of clothing to keep warm, all go against my wishes. I really miss home!
Today the temperature has risen, I assume because I can’t check it, but with it comes gale force winds making it impossible to enjoy a day outside. It actually feels colder because of the wind, so it surprises me to see the frost disappear from the windows as I watch the snow blowing off the rooftops. It feels like a blizzard. Winds of change though, which remind me to think positively rather than wallow in winter depression.
Having no wifi for nearly a week did nothing to ruin my day, it is a small frustration at best. For instance I can’t look at new email, or check the weather, my daily horoscope. This situation does not connect with my past in a way which brings up fear or discomfort though. Being forced to take a bath does. My almost immediate thought was towards the idea when they knew that would not be in the store during this terrible cold spell we’ve been having, the Salvation Army turned off the hot water downstairs, which is logical to me. My landlord, who bought the building in order to protect the Army from having to move 7 years ago, who really does not know anything about what is downstairs, did not think my bathroom was connected to the one downstairs. Apparently, after speaking with a friend who used to live in this apartment (truly, I believe half the town lived here at one time) confirmed all plumbing for this apartment begins in the basement. So my theory not really crazy, and secretly I hoped this was the issue. Why? Because I would then have someone to direct my anger at, which stems from my fear.
I woke this morning to hear the wonderful sound of running water (as I left the tap open a bit), now knowing it had to be frozen pipe causing the issue. Because I am always trying to improve on my bad behaviour, thoughts included, my realization there was need to blame someone for my discomfort was necessary for me to deal with the problem. It occurred to me we, or maybe just me, deals with such traumatic memories better with anger. If there is someone to blame for our current situation, which reflects a former one, it eases the burden of fear, but this is not healthy, so something I am working to change.
It really has been quite the learning curve for me these past few months since being forced to quit my job with the Army. When examining my need to blame Mr. Ed (my former boss with the Army) there was understanding how much hurt he caused by putting me in such a vulnerable position. Although I do my best everyday to only give room for the many incredible gifts of support since that time, I now realize how much I still worry because of what they did. To fire or force thousands of people across the country just before Christmas is an act of aggression, a threat and it is undeniably cruel for them to have participated in this ridiculous scheme.
They are a church, their doors meant to be open to everyone, despite color, creed, status, culture or race. They promote themselves as fighting against segregation, poverty and discrimination, yet this is exactly what they are doing – causing more poverty, discriminating and segregating! All under the guise of protecting us all. So I say again, if they can get the virus, spread the virus, then why are they not being restricted or asked to leave their jobs? They are as much or more a threat then I was. I have natural immunity, which trumps any vaccine, or in this case, experimental injection. So yes I really felt the need to be able to direct my anger at this man for not being able to have a shower, forced to take a bath, which caused much discomfort.
But today as I put my energy into adjusting my feelings, correcting my mistake for needing to blame, there is also the realization, I was given the opportunity to be in this moment right now, asking for forgiveness.
I literally almost ran into Mr. Ed the other day when coming home for lunch. He and another man were coming out of the thrift store where I used to work, walking towards me, but about to turn the corner. I paused a bit longer than necessary at the corner before crossing the street to give them more time to move past where I would have to walk. The wind was bitterly cold and blowing into my face. My chin was frozen and my eyes began to water, so Mr. Ed was just a blur by the time I got closer to him. He said good day, but I did not reply. The man he was with also said good day as he looked quite sternly at me as if challenging me to respond. I did not. This was the strange thing, because my eyes stopped watering enough allowing me to see this unknown man clearly, something which did not really hit home until I was safe in my space. It seemed important somehow to be spared actually seeing Mr. Ed, a sign of his unimportance. The other man was not important either, just there to be part of the demonstration allowing me to understand Mr. Ed cannot hurt me.
Interestingly enough, a customer who comes in regularly to the store where I still work, told me something crazy. He had been planning to offer his truck to the Army, doing his part to help them move. Then he heard you had to have the passport to volunteer, so he changed his mind. It is a craziness which cannot be justified no matter how one looks at it. Anyone who tries, is only fooling themselves in order to feel better about their own fears. It takes a very small amount of real research to discover there have been more injuries and deaths from the injection then from the virus before the injections. In fact there have been more deaths since the start of shots then from the last 10 years of flu seasons. It’s all on government websites, but people would rather listen to the government propaganda displayed from government funded news stories. Not a giant leap to the truth if you want to see it.
So quite a start to my new year, as my past shows me how to start a better future. There is complete understanding about why I react the way I do, now more than ever, it’s time to change those reactions. My time alone of late has been of great benefit. My time without wifi also of benefit. I’m painting more, I’ve been reading a great story called “Meet Me at the Cupcake Cafe” and writing more. Wifi is of great benefit in some ways, there is no doubt, however it is far too easy to get caught up in on-line life, rather than real life. Nothing trumps a face to face visit in my books.
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