It has been an interesting few weeks as I find myself in continued emotional turmoil. I think people who have not experienced serious trauma have the mistaken idea that one gets over it with time. As I have learned, especially since coming back to Canada, this could not be further from the truth.
When I was in Ecuador, I found a sense of peace, not because I was over what happened to me, but simply because I was in familiar surroundings. Or maybe it is better described as surroundings which reflected the happiest time of my life – those first two years with my surrogate parents, my parents, surrounded by love and affection. In some ways coming back here to Canada is reminiscent of failure, of giving up and stepping backwards into the familiar treadmill of hopelessness. While I can still be very grateful for the many gifts received since arriving, many acts of kindness and generosity, the sinking feeling I made a mistake sits on my shoulders. Yet I know it was necessary in order to deal with certain problems which could not be handled properly from Ecuador. However, I miss being home. I miss the surety I felt there, of who I am. Once more it feels as though I am but a shadow of my true self.
I feel stronger when I speak of my revolution, my father seemingly guiding my words and actions towards this goal. He fought for the people, he believed in a fair and just world, equality for all. No ones life more important than the next, especially based on skin color, country of origin or religion. All lives matter; that is what I believe and I feel it is time to stop basing our actions on past crimes against humanity because what is happening today is more important if we want to survive as humans. I say this because I fear we have not learned from history, but repeat it. We can only move forward if we find a way to let go of the hate and anger. Of course it is not easy, and there may always be residual, but if vengeance is our main focus, we will never grow or learn to forgive. Some of us have more to forgive, the process takes perhaps more time than we had hoped, but trying is progress.
Understanding and truth, as they go hand in hand, my goal. There seems to be no way for me to forget what happened, but then, I know I still have much to forgive. However, if I focused only on those who inflicted the pain, I would never have come this far. At least this is my theory, based on the idea hate stops positive forward motion. Without forgiveness, we cannot find peace. Love and hate are choices, we are all capable of both.
In conversation with acquaintances the other day regarding the pipeline meant to be built through the mountains, I was reminded of how easy it is to get distracted by such fights. I disagree with the pipeline completely, they think I am crazy for how I feel. Everything in our modern world is dependant on fossil fuels, so how could I be so ignorant to believe the pipeline is a mistake. So I asked “do you not feel we need change”? They agreed, so I said “well then, how do we begin, we must take a step or things will never improve”. Until we can understand that everything is connected to what is happening right now, we will become distracted, fractured into those who say yay or nay about the latest proposal on the table. It is better to look to the core, see the underlying issue which continues to fester while we squabble about less important matters. The many distractions connected to our worries of what we may lose gives the powers that be all the time they need to continue steering us down the path chosen by them. I feel it is already too late for us to recover from the consequences of our inability to see through all the lies.
I was born in a country under military control, a police state if you will. Alarm bells are ringing loudly in my mind, the underlying depression sits heavy in my soul knowing where we are headed. So many will fail to deal with the aspects of torture which is inevitable. I know I cannot handle going through even a fraction of what I endured as a child. Wearing the masks each day to justify some idiots idea of “safe measures” a constant reminder of where we are going. How many Jews were led into the showers where they were poisoned. Too weak and desperate to resist, completely unaware of such cruelties being possible, many walked willingly to their deaths, thinking they would be ok. Those who suspected a trap, who fled, were shot down like dogs. As long as we continue to believe our government is there to protect and serve us, we will also continue to walk blindly into the showers of death.
These same men who I was speaking with also asked me why this country could not be shut down as the indigenous in Ecuador did while I was there. I explained it is because we do not hurt enough to risk sacrificing; losing all we have worked so hard for. We care more about what we might lose, rather than what we might gain by doing what they did in Ecuador. In order to be effective, we must be willing to sacrifice even our lives, if we want to force changes for the betterment of all. We live too comfortably to regard such sacrifice, placing far too much value in our possessions, as we are the furthest from our connection to the earth we have ever been. But then I have been saying that since the nineties. I have been thinking this way for over twenty years, the knowledge we have long ago crossed the line of no return felt as I began to dream of my father. The more we protect ourselves from nature and it’s rhythms, the more likely we will be blindsided. The only way to solve the issues on the table right now, is to disconnect with technology, stop listening to the media, and begin listening to our inner voices. The answers are within us.
I have been watching two shows on Netflix since Christmas – Lethal Weapon and Quantico. Each one taught me some interesting things about myself, giving me perspective about how what I went through can actually happen. This is normally why I take interest in certain shows – I am looking for confirmation there really is such cruelty in man, because although I know it happened, I still cannot wrap my mind around the truth of it.
Martin Riggs was a character in the series Lethal Weapon who I related to almost totally. The difference between him and me, was his use of violence to help him deal with the pain of his past. I certainly understand that aspect of his actions, because I have felt such anger take over me from my past. The difference being, I cannot allow myself to carry out what I feel, as he did. Just watching him deal with situations, emotions, memories, made me understand more clearly what I have had to deal with. Like a group session, listening to another person describe some aspect of their healing journey, I saw myself in his character very clearly. Trying to pretend what we went through is behind us, that it does not affect our daily life often surprising us at a time when we thought we were “over it” was like a diagnosis needed.
I keep trying to write my dreams and visions off as just that, unimportant, as many would think. The emotional roller coaster I have been on as I face situations I thought I had left behind forever though, have taught me otherwise. My fathers face, my time spent drawing, the only comfort I seem to be able to find now. Without Mali, I have been forced to move to the next level of understanding on my own……no more crutch. No gentle loving face to distract me and help me forget the truth. It all just hurts so much, I wish it would end. Like Riggs, I find, if I look back on my time here since returning, I have lost everything of great importance and I cannot make room in my heart for another situation where pain and disappointment might find me. There seems to be no way to end the pain and emptiness, death being my last resort. Will it bring comfort? I fear even death will not end the pain, unless I can fulfill my promise to my father.
Quantico has helped me to accept the corruption associated with the CIA. They are responsible for what happened to me, to my family. Even seeing what they are capable of in such a predictable, and if I’m truthful, not great story, has also affected me over the last few weeks. Mind control, torture and programming at the heart of their agenda, at the centre of my life. It explains accurately what I cannot, to watch such shows. Even watching does nothing to assist me as I try to better explain what I go through on a daily basis.
There are just no words written today that can explain what I have been through – words told to me by a man who went into a trance right before my eyes to bring me the message. Such unexpected moments are often not something we can explain. There is no way to convince others about such experiences, the sound of deep inner silence all we need, however, to realize the truth as a witness to messages from Spirit.
There is a an enveloping quietness in my world, as though I am living completely separate from everyone around me. I see, but do not feel their presence. Speaking about my father, my ideas, which I strongly sense come from conversations with him, the only aspect during my day proving I am alive. It is not that I want to die, only that I can find no comfort in living, other than these fleeting moments of connection to something greater than myself. Greater than anything I can put into words. This is how I also see God. There is no form or place, just this quiet space where anything is possible. Always I wonder at my purpose, if there even is one for my continued life. Mostly I feel as though I am just taking up space, but then I am reminded of my father and I begin to wonder what is around the next corner. Perhaps there is hope for me yet……..