Part 3;
The South American Bird Spider
Journal Entries
There was great joy as she arose to find a kitten in her room. A beautiful little friend she could play with, relieve the emptiness, the lifelessness of the room. Of course, in her happy state she would not suspect this gift was never meant to please her, that the joy it brought would not last. As an adult she would have realized it was not what it seemed, but her innocence from being so protected those first two years kept her from seeing the trap. The room was meant to be a place of complete solitude and quiet. Leaving the room meant pain, the kitten would not end that, only contribute to it.
It came silently as she played with the kitten, as she enjoyed the softness of its fur and the way it’s small tongue licked her tiny fingers. The two of them – child and kitten, just babies, the cruelty of the world not something they should have had to face.
She felt its presence, then turned to see the dark object as it fell from the ceiling in her room. This was her introduction to the South American Bird Spider, something that would haunt her for the rest of her life. The spider moved with great speed towards the kitten. Terrified by its size and speed she scrambled backwards away from it, leaving her furry friend to its fate. The spider covered the small body of the kitten as she began screaming, then instinctively falling into the fetal position facing away from the frightening sight. This was her only defence with no place to hide in the room. She called for her papa as she lay there frozen in fear. But he could not come for her.
The screams died in her throat as out of the corner of her right eye she saw the long black leg of the spider come over her cheek. The spider was on her face. It would leave a red pattern on her cheek, a lifelong reminder of this terrible experience.
February 4, 1999
Spider Dream
It would be a few years before I would understand the source of my fear of spiders. This dream reminded me of something in my past I was hoping to never remember.
As these memories started to return I also realized the importance of recalling, allowing the pain to come out of my locked room and find it’s place—a part of my shattered spirit. In this way my spirit is mended, allowed to heal and bring me peace with the understanding attached to the memories. This was something I could not know until the reality of my memories began to surface.
Today as I write about all that I do recall I see the beauty of allowing the past to come back to me, despite the pain it carries. Remembering has allowed me to have my parents back and the genuine love they had for me. It is allowing me to breathe as I accept the truth. This dream was a nudge in the direction I was needing to go, something to be grateful for.
Patrick and I were talking. He was beside the bed, sitting on the floor and I was laying down on the bed. Something caught his eye and he pointed to the ceiling to show me what was there. From a knot in the wood a very large spider was crawling. It scurried across the ceiling to the opposite wall, making a strange clanking noise as it moved.
I was worried and quite scared, not knowing if it was poisonous. It came towards me, dropping down, dangling a thread as it moved, landing on my left ear. I was shaking from fear but did not want to move, nor did I want to kill it. I had to fight the urge to swat it because it was tickling my ear. I just lay there waiting for it to go.
It then began to crawl around on my head, driving me crazy. It then climbed back up its silk thread above my head. I could see it’s shadow on the wall beside me as it left. I was quite frightened when I woke up. It felt so real and I have such a strong fear of spiders. But I realized everything was fine, it was just a dream and there was no harm done.
While I was in the dream, I felt as though I was awake, such was the power of the message. What a wonderful gift it is to dream, such a gentle and subtle way to remember things we feel better left forgotten.
August 27, 2008
South American Bird spider
My old friend the spider came to visit once again. This is obviously a spider that does not want me to forget.
A very long, involved and strange dream. Again many details were lost when I woke up probably because of the emotions it evoked. It was like some kind of spy movie I seemed to be part of. There was a plot to kill a couple who were considered to be traitors. I was actually hoping to stop the murders from happening, but was unsuccessful. I am unclear as to what role I played or why I was there. I am wondering who these people were and why I needed to see what happened. Was this my minds way of remembering more deaths I was made to watch?
The woman died in a car crash, the man in the car with her was able to walk away, although he was dazed. There was another man, the one that caused the accident. He approached the man that got out of the car, and without hesitation, fired his gun killing him. He then gave himself an injury to make it look as though he was also a victim. This all took place in front of the house where we were living, and it seemed my son Lucas was close to becoming a victim also, although I cannot remember why. This all took place somewhere that had a warmer climate, which I understood because the houses were not like those in Canada.
Afterwards I was in the kitchen and a hat belonging to one of the men was on our table. As I looked at it, the hat moved on it’s own which made me curious. I lifted the brim which allowed what was underneath to get out. This made me panic when I saw there were spiders under the hat. They kind of unfolded from a strange position and when they did I recognized what kind they were, the South American bird spider. The same spider that caused the scar on my face when I was a child.
I was really panicking, recalling that experience. I was yelling for Patrick to come, he had to get rid of them. I don’t know where Patrick was, but he came into the room and seeing the source of my distress, he picked up the female (mother) spider in his hand ready to take it outside. It did not seem like enough for him to just remove the spider, my belief strong it would just come right back in. The fear and the panic were so strong, everything I felt as a child just came flooding back. So much fear.
I am continually amazed at the level of distress I still feel each time I am faced with this spider. It occurs to me each time I dream of a spider it is this same species, which leads me to believe there is great significance attached. There must also be importance connected to the era of the people in the dream. A connection to that period of time when I would have been a young child. I say this because of the symbolic mention of the hats on the table. The only kind of hats you see today on North American men are baseball caps, and these were not that style of hat.
I can’t imagine what would happen if I ever see this spider in real life again. Perhaps that would be the cure, but it is hard in these moments to imagine ever getting over this overwhelming fear.
August 31, 2008
Dream of the Spider
I have learned over the years that in order to stop my fear of someone or something, I must find the courage to face it, showing my strength and resolve in changing my initial reaction. I have been afraid of many things during my life, the spider topping the list. I have tried to face each of these fears one by one, perhaps not completely conquering them, but making them less of an issue. Still, this spider gets me every time. I hope one day I will again be able to see one in person, but on my own terms.
In this dream the spider was in our basement, which of course made me panic once again. What was the South American bird spider doing here in my home? I had been doing the laundry and was heading back upstairs when I saw it. It looked quite small and so I didn’t realize what I was seeing. I thought I would just collect it and put it outside, but the closer I got the bigger the spider became until it was it’s normal huge size by the time I was beside it.
I now knew it was my old friend that gave me the scar on my cheek. All the familiar feelings of panic and fear welled up inside as I watched it go across the floor towards the washing machine. I was amazed at the speed it was able to travel and I remember thinking I would have to kill it or I would always be afraid of it coming upstairs and surprising me again. I would be afraid all the time of this possibility.
As I write this entry I begin to think perhaps it was positive that this time I was able to face this spider and feel I could do something about it. I was also beginning to understand the spider was instrumental in the destruction of my true self, a traumatic turning point in my life. It’s entry into my life marked the time when I was brought to Canada, my name changed, leaving behind all that I knew and loved. It follows that the spider keeps coming back, a reminder of this extraordinary, pivotal time.
January 7, 2009
Dream about the Spider
I had been having trouble sleeping and lain awake for hours. When I finally did fall asleep this very frightening dream began, affecting me deeply this morning as I recall it. Once again my friend the spider came into my dream time and when I awoke the attachment to what had happened was so strong I was certain I could still feel the spider on my body. It was so real.
The dream started out quite strange because I was sleeping in a shed outside on some blankets. I was right beside the door, my back facing outside. I have no idea why I was in the shed, but I was upset about something and needed to be alone, I think. I woke up because I could feel something I knew was a danger.
When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I looked around without moving. Then I saw what looked like a tangled mess of spider webs. As I focused on them I could see it was a very large and intricate web and in the bottom corner closest to me I made out a large dark shape. As soon as I turned my focus to that object it unfolded itself and I saw it was a very large spider. I immediately panicked and scrambled to get up and away. It moved so fast, attacking me as I left the shed.
Interestingly enough, it seemed to hit a barrier just as I got outside. For some reason it could not leave the shed, but still I was afraid and I threw my blanket over it. I meant to go back and kill it, but could not bring myself to get that close again. I left it there and went back inside the house.
When I got inside I was very confused because everything was all boxed and piled up. Even the bathroom was a jumble. I was trying to comprehend this situation, now upset for two reasons. As I started to ask what was happening I woke up. I could not shake the feeling of the spider crawling on my skin, seeing the way it unfolded its legs and ran towards me.
As I wrote down this dream I began to wonder if the shed represents isolation in an unfamiliar place, the boxed possessions and mess indicating a forced move. The spider is connected to a time of big change, of moving and also being isolated. I was so frightened, but the spider could not cross the barrier (as in the border of a country), so I was safe even though I didn’t feel safe.
Re-writing this for the book I am beginning to wonder if this was the gift promised to me last November when I removed the leg iron from the woman.*
We did indeed move shortly after my having this dream, which I thought was going to be a really good move for us. As it turned out this was not the case. Through a bizarre episode involving an momentarily unstable landlord we ended up in another forced move, eventually bringing us to Maple Creek.
I now find there is a similarity between this experience and that of my childhood. Forced to move here, alone and frightened, no love, no familiarity. Patrick’s leaving left me in a similar quandary. I was very isolated and afraid of being alone for the first time since I was a teenager. I didn’t know how I would be able to make it.
Strangely enough this has turned out to be the best thing for me, although it has taken a few years to realize. Patrick and I remain good friends, but being on my own has been very good for me. It has taught me about myself, and given me a strength I did not realize I had.
March 8, 2017
The Spider Returns
I had a dream this morning about my old friend the spider, and a group of sea turtles, all different sizes and ages. After reading the spirit meaning of turtle online at wildgratitude.com, I think I can understand at least part of the message.
“…Turtle can stop the beating of her own heart, turning it on and off at will. The heart is often seen as a ticking clock, keeping time. We cannot escape the advance of time as our hearts must beat to keep us alive, but turtle spirit can teach us how to slow down or even stop our perception of time. Ultimately, time is an illusion, a construct of the human mind. Now is the time to let go of deadlines and forget schedules. Have you ever experienced one moment stretched over many? This is the meaning of turtle at work.”
Did I stop my heart for these past years so I could survive until I felt safe enough to come back to life? To me it seems a real possibility. The day I would have done that would coincide with the introduction of the spider. Time and again this spider has come to remind me I must go back to that day and face what happened. To have courage.
In my dream the turtles were in the back of a large van. Most were on the floor, but my attention was drawn to the two that were on the ceiling of the van, held in place by spider webs, Only the shells were left.
I immediately stepped back away from the van and said with panic in my voice, “Ok, where is it?” Meaning the spider, the one from my childhood that gave me the scar on my face. I was so afraid of seeing it, but at the same time I really needed to know where it was so it could not surprise me again. The fear was so intense and real, as if it was really happening. This woke me up and I couldn’t sleep after that.
This dream has an interesting message. First of all I did not see the spider, but I knew instantly it was the South American bird spider that had taken the turtles. Second, I was not a child in this dream but was still affected by the trauma. This time though I was not frozen by my fear. Lastly, there were several turtles still alive and I had the opportunity to rescue them, something that never happened for me. The two turtles that died were small, young. The remaining ones were various ages, but still fully grown, so I had the chance to help them move forward.
I understood from this dream that my past can help others. In order to be effective with that goal, I have to face my fear of the spider, or at least those responsible for putting that spider in my life. By going back through all my journals and reliving all these memories I faced my fear of self discovery.
We have the tendency to believe we are responsible for the actions of others, or for the bad things that happen to us. In order to place that burden on the shoulders of the person responsible, first we must face the truth. It has been my hope by doing this myself I can now help others make this choice in their own lives. This seed was planted that night which I hope will become a garden of hope.
The Adult…..the Room, Ecuador
Writing the book here in the isolation of the small Andes town, gave the dreams and visions of her past more substance. In Canada it seemed such things could never happen, but here, yes here, she understood they could and did happen. It was not easy to write her stories, there was so much fear connected to them. But there was also healing in the act of finally making some sense of the fragmented pieces.
…….Although the memory had been safely locked away, the red mark on her cheek was a constant reminder of fear. She just didn’t understand why. She was told it was a birthmark by one parent and a scar from an allergic reaction from the other. You would think they would both have the same answer about something so prominently visible on her face.
But then they also told her she almost died when she was 3 years old from scarlet fever. Actually it was not the fever they said, but the discovery she was allergic to penicillin, the medicine given to fight the illness. A few years back when she dutifully reported this to her new dentist, he was confused (as she had been for years) as to why she did not have, nor was ever given an alert bracelet for such a serious allergy. To go through childhood especially, without one, was quite dangerous. Penicillin is often the first drug given in emergencies, the bracelet a warning if she was unconscious, or as a child, unable to understand the importance of saying something. Well, she developed her own theory about that but like so many things, she could not ever prove it.
Years ago when she had a visit with the iridologist about a serious health matter the doctors were unable to diagnose, he talked to her about the scar. He felt it was possible to remove it with different herbs if she wanted to try. Strange really, she had always felt the scar made her ugly, making her very self conscious. Yet as this man offered to make her face normal, she suddenly felt there was something very important about keeping it. It’s significance would one day be revealed and she would regret having it removed. When she left his office that day, her new acceptance of the scar seemed to also remove the stigma attached to it. Not something she understood, but her dreams in the coming years helped her to see the value of its presence.
Last night she woke in terror after dreaming how the spider killed her little kitten, then crawled on her face. She went cold inside. As she took the time to write the dream in her journal, she realized this could be the answer to a lifelong question about the scar on her face. Yet, she could not accept this spider really existed, it had to be a product of her imagination surely! It was her day off, so she made a decision to walk to to the library and see if she could get some information.
Starting in the adult section, she searched through books hoping this spider was not real. However, while reading through one book which gave descriptions of the marks left on the skin from venomous spiders, she went cold inside. Her hand went instinctively to her right cheek as she read about the stomach hairs on a spider being poisonous. This allows the spider to paralyze its prey. Wishing now she had not been so curious, she put the book back as she contemplated the red mark on her face – the similarity of which had been described in the book. After a few moments of consideration, she made her way to the children’s section of the library in search of pictures.
With trepidation, she gathered several books, taking them to one of the child sized tables to look through them. It was in the second book she opened. As she turned a page, the South American Bird Spider was identified as the object of her dream visitor.
There was this feeling in the pit of her stomach, one she would come to understand well in the coming years. This sensation of tumblers falling into place, an undeniable truth recognized. The reality of her childhood being revealed through her dreams and visions. The walk home gave her time to process the information, but there was no comfort connected to what she had learned. She could only wonder what else lay beneath the surface of her false life, it frightened her to think there was more.
She was shaking as she explained the days events to her husband. He had been with her through all the difficult years as she began to remember a past not understood, people she recognized, but didn’t know. The amazing and unbelievable dreams and visions carefully recorded in her dream journals over the years, something she would be grateful for while writing her book Finding Home. With so many entries, there were bound to be details and dates forgotten, the diaries were referenced often. These books became something she depended on, although looking back at what she wrote after so many years was a very difficult and emotional experience. She was seeing them in a different light now that she had additional information lending credence to their validity. It all seemed so impossible, yet in her heart there was surety these things happened to her.
The Child…..the Room
Two men escorted her to the bathroom. She didn’t understand why they wouldn’t let her go on her own. ….until she went to sit on the toilet. This is when she saw the long black legs of the giant spider showing under the seat of the toilet. She peed her pants, standing there in fear.
The Adult…..the Room, Ecuador
The memory woke her. There would be no more sleep tonight as she lay there shivering in a cold sweat. The fetal position becomes a comfort even now at her age, waiting for warmth to return to her body.
In her dream she captured a very large spider and rather than take it outside as she normally would, she brought it into the bathroom and put it in the toilet. Now this seems strange and maybe a bit cruel, but her toilet did not have water in it, it was just a prison for the spider, a way for her to contain it so it could not surprise her again. She caught a second spider and planned to put it in the toilet as well. As she did, she was given the message she was meant to see. The long black legs of the spider put in earlier could be seen coming out of the gap at the back of the toilet seat, and she froze. She wakes at this moment, shivering as she tries to get herself calm.
Knowing she will not sleep now, she allows herself to think about the dream and its meaning. Suddenly there is clarity as she connects the dream tonight to another from her past………
Two men were forcing her into a bathroom and closing the door. Now she remembers what they did. The spider was in the toilet when she entered the bathroom, they were going to make her sit on it. Could the long black legs she remembered crawling on her face now crawl out from behind her if she sat there. This was the message from her dream tonight.
She understood the value of the information, and how it connected to the dream from years ago. But the other part of the message was important also. She had been given the gift of now being in control of a situation that terrified her as a child. She understands that by placing the spiders in the toilet herself, she was doing to the spider what it had done to her, she was now free from the prison the giant spider had inadvertently placed her in.
As she lays there, she begins to reminisce about the connections between the dream this night and dreams and experiences from her past. She remembers her two new sisters each held her hand as they led her to the bathroom of the new house on Chalice Road in Calgary. She wonders now if they knew what had happened to her, what she had been through. Terry, the second oldest seemed to hate her, could never really show her kindness or affection, so she suspects they did not realize what she lost before coming here. She could forgive them for their cruelty over the years, how could anyone understand what she was feeling, how alone and scared she was.
There was a sort of hallway leading to the bathroom where the washer and dryer were, so she wasn’t sure where they were taking her. When they went through the doorway into the bathroom, she froze unable to go further. She saw the toilet – a source of great fear. It would cause her problems over the years this uneasiness, using a bathroom she had never been in before. Peeing her pants or the bed was preferable to facing what might be lurking in the toilet. Even though she never understood why, the memory has always remained with her.
In the past when she had remembered the men who took her into the bathroom she assumed she had been sexually assaulted in that room by those 2 men.
Her daughter suffered such a fate when she was three years old, while she herself was at a group therapy session. Without another alternative, she asked her ex husband, her daughters father, to babysit while she went to her meeting. The following morning she discovered her world would never be the same. Her daughter would never be the same. In the weeks to come, it would be revealed her daughter was sexually assaulted by her father and grandfather while they gave her a bath that night. Her family was forever changed, affecting them in different ways for the rest of their lives.
For the woman she understood this had been a reminder her life was not her own, she was not free. Not knowing why haunted her, but instinctively she realized she would have to walk a very thin edge to keep her family safe now. One thought leads to another as the fear of different situations can be seen as connected.
She is grateful for the dream tonight, at last giving her understanding for a life long curiosity. The similarities and differences between her experience and her daughters at the same age can be identified now, making it easier to separate and let go of them. Knowing her daughter must face her past when she is ready, this dream tells her it is time for her to stop carrying the guilt of what happened. If her daughter chooses to one day ask for her help, she will be here, ready to assist her.