Patterns

October 30, 2024

Patterns. Our lives are ruled by patterns, whether we see them or not. Humans are habitual, no matter our circumstances, we choose daily patterns which can make us feel “lost” or “out of sync” if we miss some of them. Of course there are those who adapt and change with more agility than some of us. I’m saying this as I sit in my bedroom, drinking my coffee, enjoying the still darkened sky. My first habitual routine of the day. There are just small comforts in doing something familiar each day, grounding us as we face going out into the world where unpredictability lives. Well, I don’t know about you, but I also enjoy the unpredictability, which can bring some amazing gifts. 

Yesterday a friend came by the store to buy a canvas and say hi. Her husband recently passed away, this was the first time I’d seen her in many months. Her husband had cancer, so spent many months in hospital, which is where her home away from home became. It becomes obvious at a time like this just how our habits, or daily rituals guide us. After so many years together, those rituals which were shared will change forever. While the habit may still be part of her day, such as morning coffee on the deck, she will now be alone for this time, perhaps becoming moments of reflection, rather than early morning conversation.

Later in the evening as I watched an episode of The Flash, which was about Barry going back in time to try and change certain events in his life so he could live his life without the tragic loss experienced as a child, I began to see something important forming in my thoughts. Then to top it off, I dreamt about what seemed to be a story reflecting this idea. I say seemed, because the dream melted away with barely a memory of what happened in the story I was being told. What was left was the understanding, the lesson will be the same, even if we try to change the direction by choosing differently at some point. This was clearly shown in The Flash as Barry did create the perfect home life situation for himself by going back and stopping his mothers murder, but still experienced the loss in a different way. When he went back again to return to the moment of his first decision to stop the murder, he found himself in a startling new version which caused even more loss and heartache. Somehow my dream reflected this, just not on so grande a scale – I wish I could remember what happened, but suppose it’s not important to. 

My friend will begin to form new patterns, ones suited to this new life she finds herself in. She is a beautiful and strong woman with incredible character who will find her way, I know. Still the days will change her in ways she did not think possible if she looks back, I’m sure. Patterns. It’s all about accepting the changing patterns as we grow and change ourselves. 

In The Flash, it was very easy, as the story is compacted into an hour long segment, just how one change can alter so many things in our lives – change we would normally not be blessed to see and thereby understand how complex the dynamics can be. The one thing that does not change however, is the lesson we are meant to learn. The time, place, and people involved responsible for helping us learn this lesson may change, but not the lesson. For me, this helped me understand everything I’ve been going through these past few weeks with the man who sparked hope in my dreary life.

It has been my experience, the harder we try to avoid a lesson, the harder the punches land when we come face to face with them, challenged at some point to run once more, or face the consequences of avoiding the lesson. Looking back today as I post this story, I can see how a decision I made on October 29, 2024, to legally change my name, set into motion a new set of lessons which can no longer be avoided. As the shaman said to me when I told her my news -“you are no longer hiding”. While this may seem insignificant to most, I understand what she meant. Changing my last name to Guevara legally is a huge step, opening a door to a past I hoped to never remember when I was a child in survival mode. But I also realized as I began processing the consequences of my action, there is only light on the other side of the great wall built around myself all these years. “Have no fear”, this is the message from my guides – the light will protect me much more effectively than the darkness I put myself in. The darkness, the ignorance and the anonymity gave them control. Patterns of fear ensured their success. Time to change those patterns.