Perspective

August 19, 2022

Each morning is spent in a pretty regular routine as I prepare myself for a day outside of my safe space. This practice has served me well over the many years once I re-joined the workforce. Being part of the world outside my home life something which seemed quite exciting in the beginning, because it represented freedom in one respect. At the time, I could not understand just how significant this step would turn out to be, but then this is the way for all of us as we walk out of one circle into another. This is growth, a process of discovering who we are inside, the journey not always easy of course, but if we persevere, we are rewarded tenfold!

Since beginning this journal, which became a public way of sharing my journey, something I would never have dreamed possible for me, or developing in this way, there have been many days (not so much of late) where my morning routine is pushed aside at the insistence of what needs to be written. As always, I must stress, these entries are written first for my own inner development, yet there is always the hope there is something in each story which can help others. There are days when a restlessness pervades my mind pushing at me until I give up trying to concentrate on my puzzles in order to put those thoughts, to paper. I have come to understand these experiences are the result of conversations with my father mostly, but also the grandmothers who speak with me while I’m sleeping. The thoughts are so strong in my mind from the second I come out of my sleeping state, the story almost completely formed from that very moment of waking. Quite an amazing experience as my fingers try to keep up with the flow of words and the memory of how they go together. They are all just there waiting for me to start. 

I have to admit, I feel a bit lonely when so much time goes by without this inspiration appearing as another journal entry, as it means too much time has gone by without the company of my father and our very deep thoughtful conversations. As I live alone and rarely enjoy the company of others outside work, these silent conversations at a time when no one else can be present have become the most wonderful aspect of my journey.  I am so grateful for these deeply felt stories which represent time spent with someone who I was forced to be absent from for most of my life. Today’s message seems to be one of the most important ones, the backbone of my healing journey actually. 

There have been a few incidents over the last week which, because they have affected my physical self, passed on through the carelessness of others, inspired this last conversation. The person who told me I was lucky a week ago today, also shared the energy she inadvertently collected from one of her patients, then gave to me when we shared a hug. While admitting she tells others to cleanse, but she always forgets to do so herself, added to my frustration after she told me I was lucky. Because she is not removing the energy she inevitably picks up from those she gives massages to, this same energy she now carries gets passed on to those like me who absorb energy easily. Although I protect myself each day and clear energy each evening, while at work, I often miss the cues to brush off what inevitably gets picked up from others. Because I was distracted by her comment, the knowledge something unwanted transferred to me went unnoticed. The rest of the day felt as though I was always just a half step out of rhythm. It was not until the following morning when I could not move my neck I understood just how much she transferred to me the day before. It has taken one week and very concentrated effort to remove the uninvited weight on my shoulder. 

The next situation I found myself in was when a friend invited me to dinner, a spontaneous act because we happened to meet on the street and had not seen each other for some time. She is First Nations and one of the kindest, most generous people I have had the good fortune to know. We met a few other women at the restaurant, the conversation lively and enjoyable. Since I have been back to Canada, this type of fun is not something I have experienced very often – it was really wonderful to visit outside the issues of work and typical everyday problems for an evening. My friend and I went for a nice walk after dinner, sharing thoughts and ideas, a lovely and much need experience as well. We discussed the issues of residential schools and I listened to her views on how much her people have suffered since the arrival of the foreigners in North America. I do not believe she really understands how much I have been through, the need of someone who still lives as a victim, even when they think they do not, perhaps cannot see the pain or significance of someone else’s story. Since our conversation the other night, I have come to accept that this need to blame is a sign of being in “Victimhood”. 

Before she brought me home our discussion took us back to a decision she made to do an ayahuasca ceremony with the shaman from Ecuador who was visiting Canada while I was at his home in Ecuador. She made this choice because of my recommendation. She  had a very bad experience with the medicine, yet she did not directly tell me back then she believed I was responsible, wondering why I would do this to her, though I did feel her intention – that I was responsible!  She did though confess her anger and blame towards me the other night. Two things surprised me while she explained what happened and why she held me responsible. The most important signal I received in the moment was how calm I was, then realizing absolutely no guilt or emotional responsibility was in my body or mind. It would not have been this way, not so very long ago, in fact at the time of her experience almost four years ago now, I did feel responsible and held onto the guilt she silently passed to me for some time. 

After, in the quiet of my home, digesting the conversations and the different turns they took, encouraged the discussion through the night while I slept. This was how I woke yesterday morning, my head heavy because of how deep I went to attain this wisdom. Because I did not have time yesterday to put the thoughts down, this morning I am replaying as best I can the emotional connection from the experience. Perspective is what it all comes down to, so simple yet not easy to change once we have made up our mind about any given subject. Blame, this is the single most destructive action of our minds, affecting our spirit and therefore our whole life. Blame changes our perspective causing the many roadblocks on our path. When we blame anyone else for the decisions we made, we cannot heal. It is only when we accept responsibility for each decision we make, no matter how stressful or difficult the situation, can we move forward and change the direction of our journey back to love, to the source. 

These last 4 years have taught me this vital lesson. My journey to Ecuador, my evolvement with the people which came from having an open heart, the basis of this post. My conversation with Papa the other night reminded me just how much importance must be given to each and every experience I’ve had since making the decision to accept him into my life permanently no matter how impossible it seems to others. What hit me so firmly and beautifully yesterday morning was the knowledge of how incredible my life has been. I can look back today and be grateful for every aspect of my journey without anger or hate because my conversation with this woman the other night taught me the importance of my journey. The message of my life is to live each day without the influence of blame distracting me from the purpose of each decision I make. 

Without judgement, I can say this woman lives with the need to blame others for the difficulties in her life, not as a woman, but as a First Nations person. What occurred to me as I touched lightly on the subject of my early childhood and how being my fathers daughter meant suffering so much, was the realization, I do not hold this same need to blame anyone for what happened. 

Perhaps in the beginning through the grieving process of learning who I am, who my father was and why I was so hated, yes there was blame, a need to relieve the pressure of so many years of being a silent witness to my own past. But I remembered a bus ride with my friend as we travelled to the city in companionable silence. His life anything but easy, poverty walks beside him each day, the many problems attached to such a life a constant reminder of his daily struggles. He owns nothing but the clothes on his back, still he smiled, laughed and remained positive and hopeful each day, instilling this strength in me as we rode the bus together. I say this because at the time, I was still so terribly afraid of the ride which took us through the Andes and this incredibly deep caverns which reminded me of falling from the air plane as a child. When I mentioned my fear, it was his total confidence everything would be fine, said with a big smile as he turned to admire the breath taking beauty of the landscape, which taught me how faith carries us forward even if we do not acknowledge its presence. There were other situations similar to this moment we shared which encouraged me, the lessons learned from him, his family and the other families I spent time with which have been instrumental to my arriving at this moment today. 

Our First Nations have a very troubled past. My friend explained they did not need the immigrants who landed here, her animosity still strong at how badly those invaders treated her people, still treat them. She claims her people still live the way of their ancestors, have kept their medicine and spirit  ways alive despite what happened to them. As I thought about what she was saying, listening not just to the words, but the tone, I wondered if she heard herself speaking as in a recording, would she recognize how much hate and anger she was carrying. Would she see it was this very anger and hate which sent her to learn the lesson of the ayahuasca ceremony?  No, I realized she had much further to go on her journey before she would understand she has not yet learned to be responsible for her choices. It was not me who made the choice for her to take the ayahuasca, I did not force her, only offered the opportunity. Her own spirit guides tried to prevent her going, but she did not listen, as she explained to me. 

We must never forget the tragedies of the past, they must be taught in order for us to not make the same mistakes in the future. However what we are being taught instead is truth wrapped in deceit which encourages us to keep the anger, hate and blame alive, preventing true reconciliation, understanding and forgiveness. 

I am an island in a sea of people, this is what I said of myself at the beginning of my journey to Ecuador. Today I see this reality in yet another way which feels very significant. This detail seems to me to be the reason I have been able to step out of the circle of blame and dependency on any relationship which encourages this weakness. 

Because I am alone with my story, they are few if any who believe the scope of what I went through. There are no historical records that I know of which can back up my claim, the acceptance there may never be anything at all to confirm who I am has to be acknowledged. By comparison the people of Argentina, the Negros, the First Nations, the Jews, and every other culture worldwide which has suffered at the hands of tyrannical governments who feel justified in suppressing and minimizing the importance of our lives, have many records to turn to in order to justify their pain and suffering. My story should be told, perhaps most importantly because it cannot be confirmed, yet it will continue to be largely ignored because I stand alone with it. The idea this exact situation has created in me the need to step out of the blame, anger and punishment/reward circle this kept me in, has been very uplifting. The sensation of my spirit being free at last has drifted into my consciousness, the hope my PTSD also will be greatly diminished gives credence to the importance of my inner discovery. 

There is so much strength in letting go of this need to blame someone for the position we find ourself in.  There is importance in acknowledgment of the fact we are on a journey to move past our dependency which requires building our lives from the outside. If each and every person who comes into our life does so with the purpose of teaching us more about ourselves, then it follows that not every experience will be pleasurable or even good. I feel, at least in my life, the most beneficial lessons have been the ones which were most difficult to go through. The tough lessons taught me the importance of looking inward to the source who gave me this life. We are born of love, but perhaps not into a loving situation. Or we can be born into a loving family, yet fall as I did into a story of great pain and sorrow. Either way, we must find our way back to the spark which provided this opportunity, back to the “Spirit” whose love inspired us to take the journey. 

As always, this way of thinking and sharing leaves me wondering what awaits us when we reach the last lesson………