Pet Peeves…..

September 5, 2023

Today I found an interesting story online which I can’t share due to Canada’s crazy restrictions regarding the media, but decided to copy the points to have as a reference. It is a list of pet peeves which indicate one has experienced trauma at a young age. All of them apply to me…… the importance of seeing them ties to my description of the affects on my life through several stories shared by me over the years. Until today, I was never privy to the fact these were actual tendencies confirmed by research. For me, they were learned through observation of my own behaviour – reactions and actions which are still being addressed to improve myself. Having these points justifies my least favorable behaviour traits, which have often confused and upset me. Having confirmation of why gives me permission to go easy on myself and then learn how to modify certain behaviour. I’m really grateful to have been given this gift which helps me see the importance of not judging myself so harshly. My own expectations of self are the cause of much of my worry and disappointment and lack of self worth. Undoing the knots does get easier   

1. Being lied to: being lied to can trigger the wound of being unable to trust. While people lie everyday, the truth is we cannot control someone else’s willingness to tell the truth. Knowing you’ve been lied to can bring up feelings of being gaslit. This can remind you of a caregiver who was untrustworthy, which made you feel unsafe as a child. 
2. Being ignored: feeling ignored can be linked to the fear of abandonment or neglect, which is deeply ingrained from early life experiences. For example eating a meal with someone on their phone can trigger the wound of being ignored. 
3. Being interrupted: being interrupted can trigger the wound of being talked over by caregivers, treated like our words didn’t matter. If you’re unable to let it go, and instead become confrontational or even aggressive, it could be that it’s activating an inner wound. 
4. Waiting: for some waiting isn’t just a test of patience, it’s a trigger echoing a history of uncertainty and instability. If you experience unreliable care or lived in perpetual anticipation, then you might have developed intolerance to uncertainty, which is manifest while waiting. 
5. Being teased: teasing is a common display of affection for some people. However, someone who was made fun of during childhood might be more sensitive to teasing than others. In childhood, many weren’t allowed to express their discomfort and suffered silently causing them to have their boundaries violated. 
6. Disorganization: people who grew up in chaotic environments may develop a strong dislike for disorder. This could later develop into an obsessive need for order and control, turning a simple messy room into a potential stressor. 
7. Criticism: if you as a child were constantly criticized or belittled, you might have developed an acute sensitivity to criticism. The pet peeve is reflective of the wound of inadequacy, which can resurface even with constructive feedback. 
8. People who constantly talk about their diet: many people who experienced childhood trauma also struggle with self-esteem and body image, and may even use food as a coping mechanism. Being around someone who is constantly talking about their body and their diet can bring up uncomfortable feelings about their own body. 

* for me it has more to do with always being told I was skinny. I could never understand how calling someone fat was an insult, but being told you were skinny was acceptable. Because I was a ballerina, I was always very fit, so did not appreciate being called skinny, especially by someone who was overweight as if their problem was my problem – meaning they wouldn’t be worried about their weight if someone like me wasn’t there to remind them. There is more concern about the worlds need to obsess over the perfect body rather than accept the fact we are all different and should all be accepted for who we are, rather than strive to be someone we were never meant to be. This is what makes me obsessively uncomfortable about my body. 

9. Inconsistency: inconsistency can trigger those who’ve experienced emotional or physical instability during their formative years. Unpredictability might have left a deep wound, making them crave consistency and routine to feel safe. 
10. Loud noises: aversion to loud noise may be more than a sensory dislike. It could be a trauma response from an aggressive environment. Sudden loud noises might bring back the fear and anxiety associated with conflict or violence. 

* for me this also has to do with being so close to someone I loved who was shot and killed while I watched. It happened in a car – I was in the back seat, he was the front seat passenger, killed by the driver. The sound of the gunshot never leaves you. I was only about 3, maybe 4 years old at the time. 

11. Invasion of personal space: if your personal boundaries were regularly violated as a child, you could have developed a heightened sensitivity towards your personal space. An invasion, even unintentional, might trigger the trauma of feeling unsafe or disrespected. 

* this was very apparent when as a child, I believe I was in grade 5 at the time, my math teacher crossed a professional line. I can now see it was an innocent mistake because he was Latino and while in Ecuador my hair was often touched by the people there because of its color – they seemed fascinated by my hair.  The class was working on a lesson quietly as the teacher walked around the room. I could feel him standing behind me, my body instantly prepared for fight or flight. Then he touched my hair. I slammed my pencil down turned to him and told him never to touch me again. Then I gathered up my things and stormed out of the room, walking to my locker. Once I got to my locker, I realized I could be in deep trouble, and became scared about what would happen to me. When the bell rang a few minutes later and the other students came to their lockers, they just stared at me, I think in disbelief because I was alway such a shy, quiet kid. I imagine they could not understand what happened or why I got so angry. Not something one could talk about back then either. Today, this does also include my home and the need to keep it my safe place. When others intrude on my peaceful space, I have very low tolerance. In todays world what I need and crave is almost impossible to achieve.

12. Being cut off in traffic or a line: while most of us find this behaviour annoying due to the disrespect, we can often recognize it says more about the behaviour of the other person rather than ourselves. However someone who becomes extremely upset most likely internalized the behaviour and now it’s brought up feelings of not being seen or heard during childhood. 
13. Passive-aggressive behaviour: for those who grew up in homes with passive-aggressive caregivers, the same behaviour in adulthood can be triggering. This is because it takes you back to the feeling of being a small child unable to express discomfort. 
14. Being rushed: this might originate in the feelings of pressure and high expectations in childhood. The feeling of being constantly being hurried or pushed can create an adverse reaction to similar experiences in adulthood. 

* this is true because if I am correct about my real birthdate, then I would have been 2 years younger than the rest of the students in my class, yet expected to be on their level. Although I know I’m not stupid, there were often times when I was overwhelmed by what I had to learn. Patrick once said about me that I was neither intelligent nor resourceful, which sums up what I grew up believing about myself. Throw in that I also believed I was ugly and you have the perfect mix for complete inadequacy. This is what I struggle to undo on a daily basis as I try to find the balance. 

15. Being put on the spot: this is a common trigger for people put on the spot in childhood, either by authoritarian parents or caregivers with poor communication skills. Being put on the spot activates feeling stuck and worried that whatever we say will get us in trouble. 
    *After reading this a few times, I now see why the native issue bothers me so much. It is connected to the knowing one cannot say anything to them which may challenge their view about who they are, or one immediately gets labeled as a racist. This is also how so many of us have felt during the last 3 years fighting against the government mandates. If we go against them we become public enemy number 1 and they have the right to punish us in whatever way they see fit. We are not allowed to offend certain groups of people, yet expected to tolerate their offences in silence. Once more I am reminded of my childhood where silence was my only defence. 

It has been my hope that by sharing my stories and insights, others will have perhaps more compassion with understanding what others may be going through when they see certain types of behaviour. While I do have compassion myself for others who suffer as I do, my tolerance level goes way down when I see those who have discovered how to use it as a weapon of sorts. They use it to continue their role as a victim rather than finding a way to step out of that circle of dependence. I’m not entirely sure why this has become such a sore spot with me lately, but maybe it is because those who use it to manipulate the system make it more difficult for those of us trying, to be recognized for our efforts. But then this too is perhaps one of the triggers from seeing myself as being ignored, not respected especially by those who should see but choose not to because they are demanding so much attention for behaviour they have come to depend on for survival. Their refusal to grow and change makes it more difficult for us all – people turn a blind eye, tired of the endless blaming and accusatory behaviour.