PTSD is a cruel master!
Triggers are what affect the place of organized thought in my mind. All the words disappear leaving a blank page. Sometimes for critical seconds, sometimes for minutes. The echo of footsteps in an empty hall, all that remains, as one struggles to regain footing. For me there is in accompaniment of a tsunami of fear swirling in my solar plexus which can, for very bad situations, last for days. The whole body tenses in anticipation from the perceived threat. Again this can be for just seconds, or last for many hours, even days depending on what triggered me. It can be an exhausting process!
Really, if I’m being honest, the tsunami of fear was an almost constant throughout my life, although during my childhood and being married to Patrick were the worst eras for me. It is my belief my tumultuous marriage was the cause of the 13 pound tumor in my abdomen, removed the year I moved to Maple Creek in 2011. It looked like an alien’s egg, a huge oval mass which many thought meant I was pregnant while I carried it. The doctor was so amazed when she removed it, she took a picture to show me. Definitely didn’t need to see that, however it was helpful to have a visual representation of the dark energy which inhabited my body for years. Being alone in hospital for 6 days gave me the time to think about what caused the removed mass. Understanding came from analyzing how much repressed emotion was being carried over so many years. I had been given a visual expression of how much the body can be affected by holding onto so much fear and anger, allowing it to grow for too long undetected. This was the result of living with someone who forced the suppression, who caused so much of the fear and anger. Now there was also realization of being given a chance to change certain aspects of my life, sparking the flame for a new journey. This became the truth as Patrick pulled further away, then leaving me. The road was difficult from this point and continues to be so, but I’m grateful everyday for the journey itself which continues to teach me.
There is stress which everyone feels as a common occurrence in life. We all deal with this in our own way, finding little tricks to help us maneuver our way through the situation.
Then there is PTSD stress which is almost impossible for me to manage at times. This is because the stress comes from triggers of past trauma. These triggers hit with great speed and agility with absolutely no warning. This is when the blank page described above occurs causing my brain to stutter. This often means making a mistake, which sometimes can cause a serious problem. Although the brain is experiencing this stutter momentarily, the body seems incapable of stopping movement as if muscle memory alone ensures the next move.
When one should stop, the body keeps going. When one should move, the body freezes. There is also this need to force something to happen, to push when one should sit and be calm, think things through. The tsunami of fear in the solar plexus requires action to justify its presence. This is when things are said, or done which shouldn’t be, simply because the place where rational thought should be, becomes a blank page. Reactionary, fear based behaviour replaces logic.
One would like to believe the blank page would result in a calm or quiet reaction. This cannot happen though because the space where irrational thought lives, is a full page and takes over. It is a defence mechanism meant to protect us, the idea being stationary means vulnerability. So better to react than wait for what the trigger represents, coming after you again.
The trigger is reaction to knowledge of a previous and serious personal safety risk, so………
Triggers = fear and a freeze, fight or flight response (the tsunami in the solar plexus)
Fear = blank page in the mind where rational thought should be
Blank page = irrational thought or unusual behaviour steps in
Irrational thought = poor judgement, mistakes and for some it can mean violent reactions – any or all often quite embarrassing.
One must learn to forgive themself when these frustrating situations occur or risk losing themself in the whirlpool of regret. If we can see the beauty in ourselves once more, appreciate the path we’re on, moments of true peace reach us. I have realized the moments can be stitched together, making a quilt of comfort. In the worst moments, while in freeze, fight or flight, there is no comfort, only stress which one has to fight very hard to pull out of. It takes time after that to look for the quilt to wrap around yourself protecting you from the consequences of the fall. It is a continuous circle of growth one must learn to appreciate rather than hate. In reference to this I include something written for those involved in my upcoming Hummingbird Project which I was inspired to create in order to spread the message of hope for all of us who suffer in this way. We all find a lifeline to keep us from falling back into the hole we worked so hard to climb out of.
“……This morning I had a memory of a beautiful moment in time which I hope, when explained may further help everyone. My sons best friend in grade 2, a girl, was inspired to become an artist because of me. My first drawings were given as gifts to my children’s teachers for Easter that year. My drawings were inspired by the Leo the Lop books we loved. This girls mother came to me after school one day and told me after her daughter saw what I had drawn and coloured, she asked to take art lessons. Really I can’t explain how much those words inspired me to keep going, keep drawing. This was the spark to light the fire for me…..
I realized this morning, if I could just string together such moments in time, because I’ve met so many beautiful people on my journey, therefore having so many special moments, there wouldn’t be room for the bad thoughts. There wouldn’t be space for the hurt, sorrow and pain. So, it occurred to me now, as it did when I wrote the original letter, that this project is about changing focus. String together the beautiful moments so the difficult ones don’t have enough room to grow. Let the trauma fade to the background, not forgotten, just no longer in the control position. To me creativity is and has been for many years my lifeline out of a dark past. “
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