March 5, 2025
The official document for my legal name change to Guevara arrived in my hands yesterday morning. There was knowledge it was coming because my health care card with the new name arrived last week, which seemed odd at the time, not having the same impact of receiving the official document. Now I must wait for a week or so to be able to request my new birth certificate from vital statistics in Alberta, the place of my false, but recorded birth. This has been quite a process actually, taking months to accomplish, at one time feeling as though it was unattainable. So yes, in the few quiet moments after opening the envelope, the tears began to fall.
A lifetime of separation from my true self hit me, as one of the most important fragments of my shattered spirit came back to its rightful place. The hole where so many questions lived suddenly seemed unimportant, this single piece of paper like a warm blanket around my shoulders reminding me, my heritage is the doorstep to my home. Now all that’s needed, it to walk through the door and embrace my life as it enfolds. The path forward is unknown, yet it is the unexpected which provides the magic in life, if only we can see it this way.
How will carrying my birth name make a difference? This is something which must be asked. I’m still the same person I was on Monday, last month, last year…..or am I? Reclaiming my name acknowledges recognition of something important being taken without permission, and that act of cruelty on top of so many others, was how I became lost in fear. There is hope then, this change will begin the dismantling of so much damage, armed with the renewed confidence of my child self. The hummingbird tests her wings…..
There has been a series of incidents over the last weeks which brought me to the abyss once more. For so much of my life, fear of not having enough has been the shadow stalking me. So much of this stems from the position both of my ex-husbands put me in. As a punishment, and I believe a fear tactic to inspire me to change my mind, my first husband, when asked to leave until I could figure things out, cleaned out our joint account. This left me without the means to pay the bills or buy food, look after our 3 children. This single act seemed to be the first domino falling in what would be a continuous flow once Patrick entered my life. Twenty-six years this shadow has dogged me, the fear only encouraging my continuation on this path of worry. One becomes quite an expert at dodging, turning quickly to change direction and being resourceful. So desperate to stay out of the deep hole of debt Patrick always kept us in, I worked 3 jobs at times, sold my art, worked 7 days a week, sometimes going from one job to another as I saved and saved. This got me to Ecuador, where once more I became vulnerable because of both Patrick and Lucas our son. Completely letting go, accepting serious help for the first time in my entire life, brought me back here to Maple Creek, where the cycle repeated itself.
So the last few weeks especially, watching everything I’ve save over the last 5 years disappear, as I send it to help someone else, fear and desperation took a pretty strong hold on my spirit. Only when my account was basically drained through this process, did I find myself able to let it go. I just suddenly realized I was choking figuratively speaking, on this fear and it would destroy me. Writing the last story about PTSD, then remembering the tumor removed back in 2011, helped me see clearly how I was risking repeating this health issue once more. Somehow through the night, my mind let go of all of it, waking with a deep calmness which is still felt as this is being written. The timing of this letting go happening on the morning of receiving the document. To me, this is synchronicity. There is no way for me to have planned it better, the document became confirmation letting go, was of great importance if I want to step into a new circle. In the back of my mind, there is hope by my letting go, the person I’ve been helping will also benefit. It has felt as though once more, I’ve been funnelled into this position, inspiring important change.
Fear, anger and worry create blockages, not just in life, but also in our bodies. The recognition I was once more causing a potential health risk, forced me to accept letting go is the only option. It sounds easy and looking back can make us feel foolish for not doing this sooner, but in those moments of created stress due to triggers makes it difficult to see the path more clearly. Especially when we are alone with every decision we are making, knowing these decisions cannot be shared with anyone, as others could understand the importance of the decision.
This is not a discredit to anyone, just acknowledgement there are some aspects of our journey which must be faced alone in order to truly understand how the choices made will define our future. Being and feeling isolated part of the process as outside influence would undoubtedly change our course, possibly returning us to this same point of decision.
This morning as I look at the document with its official seal, there is peace within. It must also be acknowledged how the document reflects another very important change. In the space where husband and children should be, is all x’d out, so in a way it is a representation of my divorce from Patrick, putting me back in the “single” category. My children are separate from me officially as well. We carry different last names as a result of this application, so perhaps this will give them comfort somehow. In a strange way this one document has put me back in time, separating me from all that was important on this journey, letting me find a new and better way. It has not just set me free, it has allowed my children to truly be free of me by their choosing. There is no longer anything in writing confirming our relationship.
Strange really to realize this, as if my life before today was imagined. Not just a new page then, not just a new chapter even, but a new book, meant to be filled with choices not ruled by fear.
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