December 5, 2022
Years ago I remember watching the movie of a young woman who faced her greatest fears by returning to the home of her childhood trauma. Her counsellor (if I’m remembering correctly) suggested this field trip in order to reduce the size of her demons. The house now owned by another family, meant asking for permission to go into the basement where her abuse took place. The couple now living there with their children opened their door and allowed this young woman to revisit her past – a gracious act of kindness. Not everyone would be willing to do so. I think we have all experienced the moment when something which seemed to large as a child became so small as an adult. Something as simple as a swing in our backyard. The logic of revisiting the room which must have seemed so big and overpowering as a child became smaller by the simple realization she now had the power within to come and go of her own free will. She made the choice to go back which now allowed her to leave as someone who overcame her fear of that space and the man who owned it, which in turn controlled her life.
This movie had a deep impact on me, the years of searching for that one place I could possibly return to always at the back of my mind. My journey to Ecuador was part of this search, my hope it would lead me to the room where I was kept, to those responsible for keeping me there. Understanding those men would no longer be alive was not a deterrent – their energy would be felt by me, even after all this time. Those first few days in the country changed me in a dramatic way, I was home for the first time in 60 years. Everything felt right there in a way Canada never could, I just felt at ease, comfortable in my skin once more. The value of returning so my soul could remember what it felt like has been invaluable. My spirit fragments returned much faster by doing so.
In a sense, returning to Canada has been like revisiting the symbolic room in the basement for me. The re-introduction of all the discomforts experienced here coupled with this man Dennis entering my life last year, was much like returning to the room where as a child, home was taken away. The necessity of this leg of my journey very clear to me now I’m on the other side of understanding. Yesterday, my day off, found me well and truly exhausted as the release of so much fear began. No longer in fight or flight, my body felt light and completely relaxed. My friend took me to the city so I could do some shopping, a kindness shown me each month, which is very much appreciated. On the drive home I struggled very hard not to fall asleep, a strong indication not only I could trust this man, but I had truly let go of my fear which had been completely connected to Dennis’ presence. The test will be to see how or if my behaviour changes with future interactions. He is not the man who took so much pleasure in my torture, but his presence brought back all the fear, in fact the terror connected to my past, a skillful way to force the ghosts out of the closet. Now they are out I can see them for what they are and let them go. Hiding them in the recesses of my mind made them much bigger, my child self far less capable of fighting back than my adult self has grown capable of doing. This is the key, opening the door allowing me to walk out of the room. My story written from the perspective of child and adult who were forced to walk separately on the same path. One could not help the other from the moment we were separated then throughout my adult life. The last 4 years the process of accepting the truth of who I am, has brought child and adult together. We now have the ability to fight back, heal and protect. How we choose to do so is of the greatest importance. It is such a strange twist of fate to have the resemblance of the man who tore us apart, in the end, bring us back together. There is beautiful symmetry in this understanding.
The light is dancing in my heart centre, a mix of excitement and joy fills me. Moving past this wall I have been bumping into for the past year and more, is my new reality. As the river moves around the boulders in its path, I now am able to do the same. Are there more walls in my path which must be removed in this way? It is a strong possibility, but this was most important to conquer – this man Klaus was at the epic centre of the trauma – he has haunted me throughout my life even though I had safely locked him in my minds closet. Interestingly enough I have recently seen images of Klaus as a younger man and was struck by the resemblance to Duncan, my adopted father. The fact clear to me now is this is why Duncan was chosen to help raise me, a constant reminder of the man who held my life in his hands. In order for the hummingbird to truly leave its cage, this man who I believed to be the person who controlled my life had to be expelled from my subconscious. Dennis, willing participant or not, although I do feel he understood what his role was, has in essence given me my freedom. Gratitude for this act, however it came to be, is my focus now. This dancing light in my chest is the dance of the hummingbird as it prepares to leave, able now to share its love and light – the part of my soul which was imprisoned is now free.
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