Wow the last day of the year, and what a year it has been. So many changes for all of us who inhabit this planet. Coping with the overwhelming domination of something which should have been a passing event has caused much confusion, frustration and in far too many cases – paranoia! How do we return from this point, to a life we all believed was “normal”? As we transfer into the new year, I believe we shall begin to understand just how much many of us have grown, in many ways for the better because of the challenges.
In Ecuador New Year’s Eve was a night to let bygones be bygones. Actually it is a practice among the indigenous to hold ceremony every New Moon, to forgive and let go of the mistakes, hurts and problems acquired through the month. A practice which is very healthy in my opinion, but one I admit to forgetting to practice. One only needs to light a candle before going to bed, (letting it burn down on its own) and either out loud or to yourself say what you wish to let go of, forgive and strive to do better on from this moment forward.
New Year’s Eve is a much grander version of this, with families making effigies of those they wish to make peace with. The effigies are then burned at midnight, signalling the moment of letting go of the negative emotions attached to that person, or situation. Everyone dresses up, like we do for Halloween here, and there is loud music, lots of food vendors, dancing and great fun. It is the most important day of the year for them, one with much meaning.
For me this evening will be like Christmas, spent in quiet reflection, perhaps my intention over this holiday has been with this kind of effort in mind. As the days pass, with each story I write, each picture I paint or draw, release of emotions which no longer serve! It has been a very strange holiday season for me, sort of like I have been in two different time planes. There is the one in my home, which is like walking into a protected bubble, and there is the outside world, which I did not have to spend much time in. To me Christmas passed a month ago, not a week ago. In such a protected space, ignoring the reality others have with family and friends, time was spent practising the art of going within to let go of such a troubled past. Not such an emotional time this year, which surprised me, just a very quiet bubble which did not reflect the season. It was very special and important to be in this space. It was very difficult to step out of it and back into the reality of our world once more. Yesterday proved to be a rather unbalanced one, more emotional and draining than the whole season.
Today, this morning, the idea transporting into the new year rather than celebrating into it, makes much sense to me. There is such a strong sense, we are entering into a new reality, which can only be born out of the chaos created during the last 2 years. Sounds interesting, if not a little strange to think we are actually leaving this reality behind as it no longer serves us. Those wishing to hang onto what they believed as normal will not do well, I think. Like any change, the first steps are the most difficult to adjust to, but as you move forward, if you are in the right frame of mind, hope and possibility can be seen as the fear slides off your perspective.
Water seems to be at the heart of change for me, which I really can’t yet explain. The meaning of this statement is foggy, yet I know there is something to it. I have water heating which is struggling to keep up with the cold. Dripping, leaking faucets and pipes, plugged drains, water coming out of the tap for only 1 hour which looked like weak tea or coffee. And to top it off a frozen section of water line which prevents me from having a shower, not to mention the possibility of a burst pipe! Somewhere in the back of my mind, there is this understanding it is a connection to water which must be given attention, not the problems themselves.
With the same process which allows me to undo the knots of my past, I apply this process to everything happening in my apartment. I have been so comfortable up here, separate from everything really in my protected space. It has been an incredible gift afforded me as the consequences of my past actions must be faced. But it also occurs to me, in general, we have mishaps, disruptions and complicated circumstances in order for us to push us out of our comfort zone. When we are so comfortable, we choose not to look outside the zone of protection we create. While this is perfectly natural, I believe there comes a time, when we must stop hiding in our protective shell in order to face the reality around us. I believe we have turned a blind eye for too long in a worldwide sense, and now must face the consequences of doing so. The question is, how do we begin to fix so many problems well out of hand? First we have to accept our part – take responsibility and stop trying to place the blame on someone else. Not easy when you’ve comfortably hidden in your choices, not considering how it may affect the big picture. Like so many problems though, if they are not dealt with right away, they become too big to manage and turning a blind eye becomes the easiest solution. Let someone else worry about it, I can’t fix it!
These disruptions to my very comfortable living arrangement, as they build up, are telling me it is time to make some changes with regards to how I think, how I react to certain problems. Focusing on the problems becomes far to easy when they begin to pile up. What is most important though, as we deal with one issue at a time, is to pull up a moment of joy, or pleasure, or gratitude for a turn of kindness. The last few months after taking my chances with the consequences of saying no to the V passport and losing one of my jobs, or in other words half my income, I have been shown something beautiful. It is a pattern common in my life to be honest, one I truly never gave enough credence to I fear.
When I reacted in a similar fashion to the abusive situation I found myself in during the big strike in Ecuador, I found the most beautiful connection, once I made the decision to leave and find my way back home no matter what!
A message received this Christmas from the family who rescued me:
Gabi … thank you and in the same way a merry Christmas for you … may God always take good care of you and here we will always carry you in our hearts … because it is more than a friendship, it is a family … it is a person that I come to our family as a blessed gift … we love you Gabi …
It is because of the very special circumstances shared with this family, I do allow them to call me Gabi, but here the importance of not allowing people to do so remains the same.
So I am indeed learning to see very clearly the hope, forgiveness, and trust returning to the forefront of my thoughts as I accept the many miracles experienced on my journey to return home. My plan is to step into this new year with the intention of focusing on these blessings and doing what Is possible to impart them on others. Not really a New Years resolution, just a new step towards recovering my true self and honouring the beautiful gifts of my life. As Grama Grizzly said……”leave no one out of your prayers”……advice which has been forgotten at times.
Is it possible for the world with its incredible diversity of human beings, to begin to step towards this path, so we do not wallow in the past two years of suffering? The journey becomes more difficult the longer we wait to heal……
My other issue is lack of wifi due to the thrift store, whose modem I was connected to with their permission, has left the building. They have moved locations due to a conflict with of their new landlord, who purchased the one building they were renting last spring. I noticed a change in energy as they moved furniture out of the store below my apartment. This has also piqued my interest as there is a sense there was negative energy attached to a recent acquiring. It was subtle, kind of like the energy snuck in the back door when no one was looking. Although my space was well protected, the energy could be felt pushing against the shields. If one pays attention, one can follow the line back to the day of change, which is what I did this morning. That was the day which felt to me like the end of the Christmas season. When I got home from working at the bookstore that evening, the energy could be felt immediately as I went to the back room to enjoy my ritual of releasing the days energies. My quiet safe space had been given quite a jolt while I was gone, my room no longer the zen protected bubble normally enjoyed. My day had been very enjoyable, festive and fun, so the energy did not come home with me, it awaited me. Cleansing before pleasure then…….
I felt the energy leave, the silence following its departure, the water problems followed. Quite symbolic actually, now that I am putting this together in one thought. There is still a blockage somewhere in the pipes as if the energy tried to enter that way. The day the energy cleared began an interesting new experiment in my art world.
My belief the art is sort of a personal journal which depicts my inner journey acquiring the scattered pieces of my shattered spirit, continues. For this reason, although it was not until today, this became clear to me, my new drawings or paintings have gone unshared. Something inside made me feel the importance of keeping to myself the steps being taken to what is now transpiring. Still, I am not quite ready to share this last piece, still in progress, but I do have a plan for it. There are a few more projects lined up in my mind which I am really looking forward to starting, but for now I am taking great pleasure in this new experience. The idea formulating over the past few months, all because of a small can of paint which did not get mixed properly, the customer refusing it. It was put in the half price bin, and after several days of bouncing the idea back and forth between…..”no I can’t do that” to………”yes let’s give it a go”, I bought the can of paint.
Not having enough home time back then, the paint sat on the shelf, the idea pushed to the back of my thoughts. Then another mistake happened, so now there were 2 cans waiting to be used in this new idea. Yesterday I bought the fourth can, for the project next in line. “Creativity inspires change,” my newest slogan, to be put in front of me like a beacon reminding me to always look for the best in any situation, not focus on the worst. As I liked to tell my children, “it’s not the problem which has importance, but how you handle it”.
What has become increasingly obvious to me as I walk through the field of land mines our government has placed us in, is the importance of keeping our minds open to something new arriving. We often feel we need to stay on the track we have been so comfortable with, as it has served us so well for how ever long we’ve been on it. So we forget the hiccups and bumps which derailed us in the past, maybe so long ago they are under several layers of dust, steering us to the path we enjoy today. We must not fear change, but embrace the spontaneity which keeps us young at heart and spirit. As children, we live for the adventure, as adults we look for the safety of routine.
I was given a great compliment, which did not receive the attention it deserved in the moment received. This was because it came yesterday while being lost in my unbalanced fog. But this person said “I can just see it, Gabriel going to work on a dogsled” after realizing my walk to work (for a new job) was going to be a long one and it has been brutally cold of late. My thoughts later turned to me riding on the back of a motorcycle through the Andes, so of course I should try a dogsled on the prairies! It gave such a feeling of enjoyment, realizing this person saw such adventurous spirit in me. A huge compliment indeed, as I have always seen myself as so cautious and careful. Yet again, it was my great adventure in Ecuador which can be given credit for such a big change in my persona. Once more the call to see the positive on such a strange day helped to bring me out of my emotional fog.
Adding up so many moments such as this over the past few months helped me to face the last day of the year with a surprising amount of positive expectation.
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