October 28, 2024
Today has not been a good day emotionally. Actually the last few days have been difficult, the need to cry is almost overwhelming, yet I’m not sure where this sadness is coming from. It doesn’t feel like mine, but I can’t be sure. I sent a message to the man I’ve been communicating with this morning about mama and a few pages of my book which explain things a bit. I realized after reading the spider story which explains how I cried out for papa to help me when the spider was crawling across my face, how much that one aspect of my past has affected me in almost everything. The one person I trusted to always be there for me as a small child, even though he was not really there for me at all, failed to save me from the pits of Hell. Papa just exuded an energy of strength and protection, it’s what gave me such a comfort with him, this love in his heart which made me feel secure and safe even when he wasn’t there.
To be in that room, alone facing the spider, then to be alone afterwards with that fear, for God knows how long, taught me to never feel safe again, never trust in the idea of anyone being there for me when I most needed them. I was alone and always would be, even in a room full of people. I learned to help myself through all the trauma and sadness. In “The Room”, there was no one to hold me, tell me everything would be ok, give me a sense this would never be allowed to happen again. Instead, I faced what seemed like an endless stream of difficult situations, not just while in “The Room”, but throughout my life – feeling unwanted and unloved. This became a pattern easily fallen into as it was what I believed should be expected, “The Room” teaching me this is what I deserve. It is astounding to finally see today after all these years how much truth there is in this and why it has been impossible to accept the good intentions of others. For some reason this has hit me in a new way, helping me to see why I just cannot accept this man is, first of all real, and secondly that he will one day show up here and help change the distrustful pattern of promise and rejection experienced in my life.
It seems so simple, yet this understanding has escaped me for all these years. Although I truly want to believe in this man, I won’t be able to until he is standing in front of me, holding me and telling me everything is going to be alright. This is what I wanted to hear as a terrified little girl sitting in the isolated room with no way to understand the cruelty I was experiencing.
It’s so simple I can’t actually put it into words. Everything revolves around this moment in time when papa did not save me – the combination of these three elements, The Room, the spider and papa’s absence, a triangle of fear where I have been stuck for most of my life. This was when the separation began, concluding when he was killed and buried a few years later as I watched. To find papa once more, only to lose him again, this time for good was what shattered my spirit. My life from that point on has been stuck in time still waiting for my rescue, for things to make sense. For someone, anyone to tell me it’s over, you never have to be alone again then show me by being here, this is true.
0 Comments