This year is almost finished and I am finished writing my book. Almost a year in making (although most of it in reality was written over many years in my journals), I now see beyond doubt the importance of this story and the possible impact it may have on many. It is difficult for me to imagine that in my life I would do anything of importance being one who was more content to watch, than to do. But you cannot help who you are born to and for me this has become a huge honour, one so completely unexpected, I still have trouble grasping the beauty of it completely. At least until last night when something inside me changed on a significant level.
Patrick and I had a small talk just before I turned in at midnight. I had been working on final corrections for the book, just spelling errors, missing comas, etc which meant once again reading the stories. I have often marvelled at the mind and how it works with trauma situations. How we can hear something many times and yet not completely grasp it’s significance, it’s just past our ability to understand. But we have this feeling in the back our mind like an itch that we can’t reach. Our mind wants us to pay more attention, so we can receive the inside message presented to us. But we can go for great lengths of time before the message comes to us in the way we can truly hear it. One day someone will say almost the same thing to us but perhaps in a slightly different tone of voice, or the words are just a little different. Like the frequency of music, our ears hear the difference and the mind picks up the nuance allowing us finally to understand . Suddenly a lightbulb goes on and the truth is illuminated in our very being. We just know beyond doubt what is true and there is this feeling that is solid and complete inside. I always compare it to tumblers falling into place, for this is the image I see when this happens.
This is what I felt as I climbed into bed, the strength of the importance of my life and in turn this book, what it will mean for it to be published. I do this for my parents as much as for myself. Actually it is more for them because of all they endured to fight for “the people” . There will never be another like my father, he was just this incredible, beautiful soul, and my mother? Well she was pretty amazing also, her grace and dignity and incredible strength allowed her to love me at a distance, never being allowed to be part of my life. She was beautiful in more ways than one. One day I hope I will be able to say her name out loud in public.
The feeling I was experiencing as I lay there in the quiet, was much the same as when I stood in the Quito airport trying to make one foot go in front of the other so I could find a bed for the night. I could see then that I had to make the step or it would not be possible to experience all that I have been gifted since arriving here. In this same thought process, I am once again about to take a step which will show me the path for another journey, so I must do this, it is why I am here. The tumblers had all fallen into place, I said my prayers of gratitude and I also asked for the guidance to take the correct steps bringing the best possible result for the book.
I had a dream this morning that the book did indeed get published and someone I knew, was in the process of reading the story. She was telling me over the phone I think that she could not believe I had been through so much, she was amazed at the journey I had been on. I can’t remember all that she said, but I was also trying to express my concern that the content was too heavy, would people be willing to pick it up. She said that I had to remember there were other aspects of the book that were also very enjoyable and then the dream just stopped. I don’t know if I woke up or the message had been delivered and that was all I needed to hear. In any case, it was a conversation Patrick and I had more than once about the book, but this time it was my inner voice giving me the message. Different frequency, different person talking, but saying basically the same thing. The lightbulb moment……
Isn’t life a magical experience? One can never anticipate all the possibilities which have the capacity to lead us on the next adventure, or why. It is such a miracle, this thing called life, and I am seeing very clearly just how incredible my journey has been. Now it is time to share this journey, so that others will know just how beautiful life is. In the right light and with the right perspective, we can see beauty of the picture painted from our experiences – it is a masterpiece that demands our respect.
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