It’s been so cold, I have been very happy to have had the time at home, a place where I can just be myself without worry of who might see me. Today, the coldest day so far this year and my fairytale world came to a pause while I stepped out the door to be on my way to work. I saw the truck parked across the street, but did not really pay attention to who was driving it, not even when I walked past and he honked his horn. Then I heard my name being called. How surprised I was to see my boss waiting to pick me up so I would not have to walk in the -38 degree temperature. How incredibly thoughtful, was all I could think as we drove the short way to the store to begin our day.
After so much time at home in my own company, I struggled to get used to being around people again, to hear their voices and have to think about what I say. My perspective seems to have changed during the last few days as I realize how many changes are again turning my world.
Yesterday, there were many people disturbing my quiet and thoughtful world as volunteers helped the Salvation Army move their store from the space below my apartment. One of the biggest changes really, this organization leaving the space below. One I find myself very happy about.
When I moved into this apartment, I was working downstairs, it was the perfect situation for me as I loved both my home and my job in the thrift store. Considering all I left behind in Ecuador, my situation seemed quite perfect, one I could hardly believe possible. My world began to turn backwards once the injections rolled out and the army jumped on board that ship of destruction. But this story is about the gift which grew out of that situation, not the darkness which set the story in a new direction. So many of my hopes and dreams began to fall apart last spring, I wondered how I was going to get through another disappointment like this. One step at a time, as always, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, praying for guidance as I go.
Between yesterday when I cranked up my music, so my space would not be guided by someone else’s energy, I danced, I wrote and worked on a puzzle. When they left, I read, I wrote, at last able to go back to my quiet solitude and join one thought to another without the harsh interruptions from below. I was reminded of a night in Ecuador when a graduating class descended upon the property with their loud music shaking every moment of every hour through the night. When at last they slept, I sat outside in the quiet thinking about why it bothered me so to have such interruption on my peace.
I kept thinking would they care if they could hear my story and understand my time in the room makes it so difficult for me today to be jolted from my protected space? Probably not, just as those downstairs yesterday would not have more than a second to give thought about how harmful their actions were for me to deal with. My time in the room affects every aspect of my life in ways I am not always prepared for. It bothers me a lot when I realize how a morning like yesterday can turn my insides to pins and needles, making it impossible for me to find rational thought. It feels as though this will never change, and this depressed me a bit throughout the rest of the day. Somewhere in the night though as I walked through a dream I had no memory of this morning, I found forgiveness.
The forgiveness was not for any one person, but it began with forgiving myself for all my mistakes, all my crazy ideas which go nowhere, for all my thoughtless, careless actions which affect others. They do not seem thoughtless or careless at the time, but then if this is what I see in the actions of others, is this what is seen in me? Am I frustrated by my own lack of judgement or consideration?
I was thinking the other night, it must be time for my father to be set free. Perhaps his understanding of my regret, my feeling responsible, in addition to what I went through because of how much he was hated by some, is what has kept him from leaving. If so, then I must be resolved to let go of those burdens, releasing my own commitment to carry what does not belong to me. This is because I began to see I spend all my personal time with a dead man or “spirit”……which can’t be healthy! It was kind of a strange thought to just have pop into my head, I wasn’t really sure why it was there. Perhaps because of the season and feeling a bit lonely and sad, wondering where this road is taking me. How will I ever learn to understand a relationship with someone who is alive though, if my comfort is with this spirit energy? But I love my father and can’t imagine even one day without him. It frightens me to thinks of him being absent from my life. It is knowing however, someone loved me enough to not abandon me, especially knowing that in death, they had the best reason to do so, which helps me understand the time is coming to let him go, to rest. It is this devotion, this unconditional love between us which makes me desire so strongly to help others.
And then this morning my boss picked me up so I would not have to walk in the severe cold of the morning, showing me there are people in my life who care about me, taking me by surprise…………When I think of the times I walked home through the deep snow drifts in -40 degrees and my husband would not go out of his way to give me a ride, I truly marvel at this man’s thoughtfulness.
I know some incredible people. I have been gifted so many times, I can’t count them all. I have been blessed by the most amazing twists and turns in my journey, it overwhelms me to think about it. I know it probably is difficult to understand, but these thoughts all go together. My mind jumps from one seemingly disjointed thought to the other trying to understand the direction I’m going. Does one problem cause the other, meaning……does my attachment to my fathers presence stop me from believing enough in myself to find success, whatever that means? My dependence on Mali was the same. Does it stop me from seeing those around me who care more than I realize? I believe so, yes.
For the past few years, finally realizing who he is/was, it has been my father I praise. Seeing him as the incredible person, one who has experienced an amazing journey, is loved by countless people worldwide. And he is all those things, my pride shows whenever I speak about him. I seem to come alive by doing so. The problem is still, forgetting my own story has meaning, lost in the background of both my parents lives. Unable to completely let go of the guilt connected to his death, my life becomes under valued mostly by myself. Believing in me, has not become easier with the knowledge of my heritage. Perhaps it has even diminished somewhat because I feel so small under the shadow of their accomplishments. Patrick’s words echo in my ears…..” neither intelligent, nor resourceful, but not stupid either…..” the truth of how he saw me. The truth of what he wanted me to believe about myself.
Somewhere in the shadows, my spirit understands they did not want me to be exposed to their lifestyle with all the attention, problems and emotionally overwhelming difficulties. Yet my life path or soul journey was to experience at least some of those things, so it came in a different way. We cannot stop the process or change the lessons agreed to before coming here. I remember as a teenager babysitting for the family who lived across the street from us. They were travelling one Sunday afternoon down one of the busiest roads in Calgary (can’t remember which one now) when they had a car accident. Not with another car, but with a moose, whose head came through the back window of their car killing their child sitting in the back seat. How bizarre! That was all I could think as I tried to understand the likelihood of such a crazy possibility. It was a shocking situation, there is no way to accurately explain the devastation felt that day. It is a story which reminds me, our time comes when it is supposed to – not before, not after. We may think we can change the outcome if we just choose one thing differently, but in the end, we must face our death at the appointed time. This is what we agreed to.
I was a secret, not kept in a shameful way, but in a protective way. Had their journey not taken such horrible twists, I would have had the great luxury of being myself as I grew into an adult proud of who I am. While my journey has not been so grandiose or known worldwide, I have had some pretty amazing experiences good, bad, scary, exciting, happy and sad. I am learning to have faith, hope and trust in the midst of it all!
And this was my greatest gift from yesterday’s upheaval. With the departure of the army from the space below, a new and probably wonderful bright new energy can take their place. Who knows what can happen down there now the dusty cobwebs of so many used belongings (which can tell stories of their own) have vacated the space. In one year so much has changed in my life, the stability turning to instability with just one decision by the army to force people to make a choice they did not want to. How many lives have been affected by this decision, not just from the army, but so many other agencies, all of which have broken Gods law of freedom for us all.
My life didn’t end with that decision, it really just began. Why? Because I began to see my own strength of conviction, my own own incredibly strong desire to fight for the truth. Finding those strengths, means I no longer have to hold anyone else accountable for my fears – that responsibility lays on someone else’s shoulder, one more wise and pure than me.
My fears are justified, they are connected to some very awful, frightening and inhumane actions against me and those I love. The flip side to all the pain, is the incredible love which got me through it. It’s the people who who bought my plane ticket back here to start over, whatever that meant. It’s the people who gave me such a great place to live at a price I could afford. It’s the people who hired me, even if I wasn’t qualified. It is each person who smiles back at me even if they don’t want to. It’s in the many beautiful people who struggle each day, yet stop for a moment to share a thought, have a laugh. It’s the people who love me, despite all my imperfections. It’s the people who surprise me with their thoughtfulness. It’s the people who took me in when I had nowhere to go. The list goes on and on and on……..Life is uplifting even when it’s not, you just have to look past what caused you to go inside yourself to see it.
Every journey starts with the first step. No matter how careful we plan it all, our life is the twists and turns that take us off course along the way. The more we can accept the surprises, the greater the gift from doing so.
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