This morning I had this moment of understanding which surprised me. In order for me to find myself, I had to be willing to give up everyone I loved. It brings to mind the question I heard once, I believe it was either in a book I was reading shortly after my return from Ecuador. I wish I could remember it exactly, but it had to do with sacrifice. Giving up that which you love the most is an indication of your commitment to your goal was the basis of the question.
The choices were terribly difficult along the way, living with those choices still causes me heartache. But to not take this path, would have meant not just the death of my body, but all that I believe in. I cannot go back, I cannot undo the choices made to satisfy my need to have back what I lost. I also cannot give up, or there would be no meaning to what I have accomplished so far.
When I’m at work I hear both sides of the mask/vaccine argument. I do not participate in the conversations, if I can help it, when I listen to those in favor of both, because I am sure we will not come to agreeable terms. We are each allowed our opinions, however with this argument, I am finding there is not really any middle ground. I am also finding, that although I can respect others choices, I do not feel they respect mine, try to make me ashamed of what I believe. This concerns me. I was born in a police state, where the army ruled the people with brutal force, sadistic pleasure. I feel things others cannot understand, cannot believe actually happens. Yes, ignorance is bliss, until you meet face to face that which you did not want to see coming. Ignorance is a choice. If we do not listen with an open mind to both sides of any argument, we can only blame ourselves when we are faced with the realization we could have made a difference had we just listened.
I am not one to read the paper, listen to the news, but I of course listen to those who do. I try to listen to what my inner voice confirms to be truth on both sides. I hear the concerns of others and sympathize with what they face. There are many sides to this dilemma we face. There are many reasons to be compassionate with all of them. Over the months I have come to the conclusion, far too many people put their faith and trust in someone other than themselves. They want the government to fix the problem, maybe we need to elect a different party and they can fix everything. We want the medical staff to makes us better, we want the masks to protect us, we want the vaccine to save us. We turn to everyone but ourselves to solve our problems, not just for the COVID situation, but for so many of our daily issues.
Blame will be laid on the shoulders of those of us who are against the masks and vaccines. We will be the reason the plan failed, this is inevitable as the campaign against anti vaxxers campaign started before I left for Ecuador. It was one of the reasons I left, relieved there were no vaccination requirements to enter the country of Ecuador. I do not believe in vaccines, ever, for anything, period! I have no desire to stop anyone from getting them, if they believe it’s important for their health, but I can’t help but shake my head when they do. Why do I shake my head? Because it makes me sad. We can fight about it all we want, but in the end it comes down to our basic human rights, the right to choose, we all have this right and should not ever blame others for their choices. But we do, it is human nature to also find fault with someone other than ourselves for what is wrong in our lives.
We would all like to die peacefully in our sleep given the choice. No one wants to die in a car crash in terrible pain, be blown up in an airplane, get stabbed in a street mugging or shot in our home by an intruder. Yet many have died in such ways, many have died in war, in prison, internment camps, or as I have seen, in the camps in Argentina – The Dirty Wars. We are human, we live, we die, none of us knows when our time is at hand. I for one do not wish to end my life living in this prison, devoid of human contact, happy celebrations, meaningful visits in public places. I hate that I can’t recognize people until I hear their voice, their faces covered, their expressions masked. I began my life in a prison, have spent most of my life in prison and I do not wish to end my life in one.
Age 2 imprisoned in the camps in Argentina
Age 3 to 7 spent time imprisoned in “the room”
Age 5 to 19 imprisoned within the confines of the family structure with the Phypers
Age 21 to 30 imprisoned within the confines of my first marriage
Age 30 to 55 imprisoned within the confines of my second marriage
My time in Ecuador the first years when I felt truly free, something not felt since the first two years of my life.
When I say within the confines of my marriages or family structures, I have to explain that throughout my life these people were my handlers. This is a term we tend to relate specifically with agencies such as the CIA of the FBI, but this also happens in the domestic world. Much of what happened to me is connected to the CIA so having a handler has been mandatory in my life. Therefor my life has been spent inside a prison of sorts, freedom very limited to the confines of their rules and guidelines. Manipulation of circumstances and opportunities happens with far greater ease than one can imagine when such powerful agencies have control over your life. There are invisible walls which move with you, seemingly undetected, but their restrictive boundaries are felt rather than seen. It is only when I see the circumstances played out in a movie or read about it in a book, that I can actually grasp the understanding of my feelings.
Wearing the mask each day is a reminder of how easily ones freedoms can be removed. When choice is removed from the equation, then we have lost a measure of our freedom. When we are told how to live our lives, when our ability to earn a decent living is determined by the restrictions which have no end date on them, and we comply, we are giving others the right to control us. If we fight for our rights, we are punished, condemned. If we submit, we are punishing ourselves.
I leave with you the scenario which puts in power someone who forbids anyone to wear a mask or get the vaccine, sighting it is for your own good these rules are put in place. Your freedom to choose now taken away under threat of punishment if you do not comply. How will you react? Will you comply? Will you fight for your right to choose?
Not even God tells us how to live our lives. We were given the freedom to choose and we were given a conscience. No man has the right to take away my very human and basic right to breath.
Disagree with me, wear the masks, take the vaccination, it is your right to do so. Just do not ask me to, and do not condemn me for my choice because I am not condemning you for yours.