June 20, 2025
As I was walking back to the book store from the stuffie store, a man yelled “hello” to me from where he was sitting in his car, parked on the street. I waved and called back my greeting, smiling as I normally would. Then he really surprised me by saying “you are the epitome of happiness!” I, of course laughed, out of embarrassment, then said “thank you!” He said I was welcome, waving as he drove off.
I’m sharing this, even though it worries me those reading it will see it as an egotistical thing, because I’m in awe this was what he saw in me. After living my life under the cover of shadows, worried my presence was largely unwelcome, it seems impossible someone would say this to me. Just yell it out to me like that. Me, who has done her best to hide. When was it I became so visible?
My painting of papa was finished just this morning, there were many tears shed as his presence filled the room, overwhelming me with his love. There was also what felt like deep admiration, although I could not understand why. It shocked me to realize I had accomplished what I had in just a week and a half by completing successfully, his image. What was really surprising, was the confidence felt as I worked, which is not common for me. Somehow the two of us connected on a different level through this painting, bringing us close enough, it became apparent to me, it’s time to let him go. It’s time for him to rest and time for me to live my life with the love and joy he gave me during this past week – there is so much strength in this gift. It’s as though through the efforts of bringing him to life in this way, as he filled my heart with his love, he also took all the pain and sorrow suffered throughout the years of not being heard or understood. My story, my life so isolating in its unbelievability, its uniqueness separating me from normality.
Was it because of this release, the man siting in his car watching me walk across the street was able to see my hummingbird spirit? Because I would say that is exactly what he saw, although I did not realize I had allowed it’s visibility. Has the cage holding me captive for a lifetime, truly been dismantled? Although the prison door was opened years ago, my caged spirit was uncertain about its ability to fly free without repercussions. It seems fitting then to begin work once more on the hummingbird painting put on hold while I finished papa. It was not planned, but this image will also be for the project art show in September.
Everything is changing, there is a sense of my life taking another turn into the unknown, although what that means is yet uncertain. These changes can be small, yet significant, or big enough to shock one. No sense in trying to predict, it just has to develop as it is meant to. As papa begins to fade, my steps will have now look for firm ground without his presence holding me up. It is enough now that I carry his name, a constant reminder of who I am even knowing his spirit is no longer with me. It is time we both move on, although there will be some time needed to get used to his voice no longer guiding me. But as the act of painting him showed me, I am strong enough now to listen to my own thoughts alone.
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