As Mothers Day comes around once more, I am reminded that truthfully, I am no longer a mother. Four children were delivered from my body, each one so beautiful and unique. I love them all, and am often comforted by the reality there was nothing I enjoyed more than being a mother. Without them in my life, I have often struggled to find purpose, wondering why I continue to look for reasons to be here. When I woke yesterday from my dream, I felt somewhat assured although it often seems otherwise, I have purpose.
My children, to me always had a light filling our home with such beauty. This light gave them their unique qualities, which on one hand could be challenging, yet on the other provide so much joy and happiness. I know absolutely there was so much more joy and love in my world because of them. I know I will not hear from them today, there is no room in their hearts or home for me, yet they continue to be my reason for making each day count. The day here is grey and cold, the wind has picked up, yet I am content in my warm space, knowing I brought into this world 4 amazing souls. My gift today is knowing this, understanding they are out there living their lives the best way they know how, because I was given the gift of bringing them into the world. How incredibly fortunate I was to have so many years at home with them, the memories which still provide so much comfort and peace for me.
Because I am no longer in their lives, Mother’s Day has become one of reflection which in this uncertain world is a gift beyond measure. Each moment spent doing a puzzle, drawing, cooking, even doing dishes, is a moment with a precious memory attached to it. I hear their laughter, their voices, and feel the energy of their existence. Although I would dearly love more, this has become my life, this isolation filled with memories.
The light inside does not diminish simply because those I love are no longer in my life. I can only hope they see my light shining through time and space as I see theirs. I continue to wonder how they are, how they are affected by all that is happening, keeping hope alive we will meet again one day. I no longer feel the need to share this day with anyone, my heart is full of happiness from so many years of being in the presence of my children.
I did not really know my mother, although my surrogate mother still gives me strength through memories. She experienced such brutality because she and her husband sheltered me in their home for those first two years of my life. She knew she risked her life to do so if I was found, but did so regardless. Her courage and selflessness puts me to shame at times when I wonder what it was all for. The grandmothers keep encouraging me to believe in something more however, and so I push aside the loneliness and grief as I reach for a higher vantage point. Is there something beyond all earthly ideas, which helps me have faith in the knowledge they continue to protect me for a reason? Only time will tell any of us why our difficulties are so many right now. The challenge is to not lose sight of what truth we respect above all else. Although I must confess disappearing into the abyss seems more reasonable some days.
My father was born to great things, I am but a shadow of who he was, my accomplishments can be summed up in one sentence, while his have taken up pages in many books. I believe my only true accomplishment was giving birth to my 4 children, each of them such a gem, growing far beyond my capabilities. I am very proud of who they have become, yet I know so little about them now – there is just a part of me which knows they have grown into fine people. So as the day moves into evening, I give thanks for those lives which made me feel special, even extraordinary at times. I give thanks for the courageous woman, whose name I still cannot remember, who gave me so much love, I can still feel it some 60 years later. Life is a balancing act, one which often does not make sense, but we continue on because of those magical moments which present themselves when we least expect them.
Let your light shine so all can see the beauty of life running through you.
