July 24, 2024
There is clarification as to why my neighbours drive me crazy. With their presence, all the fragments of the natural world, which I nurture, disappear. They cannot seem to abide in those rare moments of silence or the gentle darkness of the night, rather, insist on a constant state of agitation and disruption.
During these past few weeks, my thoughts have been brought back to the mountaintop of La Higuera, the emotions, the anxiety of travelling to Bolivia all resurfaced for some reason. Over the last day or so, as I work on my Buddha painting, absorbing the silence and peace he represents, there is understanding why all these thoughts have converged. The family next door do not appreciate the small oasis I have built, my high fence does not deter their efforts to destroy what they have no comfort with. Brilliant white lights coming on in every corner of their yard, the constant noise and distractions as they try to appear busy and important, and finally the destruction of the natural smells the earth offers as they constantly need the chemically scented products which have such a negative impact on the natural world. Everything they represent destroys everything I represent. Their bodies are so over stimulated from all the chemicals they use, they simply cannot rest. As with all disruptive energy, they also cannot allow anyone else to rest.
When I was on the mountaintop where my father died, the silence was powerful, an energy with force, demanding one paid attention to what was lost the day he died. It enveloped me, protected me, I wanted to stay in that silence where I’m most comfortable. We live in a world which does not create safe space, I have reached a point where this has become vital for me to become my true self.
My neighbours poke me and push me with all their agitation until the silence, stillness, the sounds and smells of nature becomes impossible to feel, pushing me to a place I do not wish to be – my childhood after papa left. I’m not sure what’s happening to me, my suspicion is that my neighbours are triggering this though, but I go into these sort of bubbles where I experience one of the moments of my trip to Bolivia. In these moments, I feel everything I went through as if I’m actually there again, so it can be very emotional. Everything around me feels strange, which makes me want to leave Canada again, only I can’t figure out how to make this happen. I see myself on a motorcycle which is strange, but inviting.
The busyness of our world is not the same as the busyness of the world I lived in while in Ecuador. Here the busyness is cloaked in the kind of desperation of running from the enemy (poverty). In Ecuador poverty may not be what is desired, nor is it comfortable, yet it is lived with dignity. In this world, people cannot live without their comforts.
Last night I remembered the words of Margaret Two Feathers from the Siksika reserve outside of Calgary, who told me I was comfortable in the dark, I did not need light to see. Unfortunately I did not get enough time with Margaret, never learned enough about what she saw around me, but she told me she would make me a protection bundle which I was to pick up in a few days. She was quite concerned about me, but I never learned why. She had to leave the day we met, it was a visit we did not plan, I was told to find her and I did. When we returned for our second visit, Grandma Margaret had changed, she was nervous to be around me and told me she did not have time to make my protection bundle. There was no point staying to talk to her, it was obvious how uncomfortable the situation had become.
When there are so many questions, no one to get the answers from, the worry goes round and round in your mind, an unsolvable puzzle, in essence. Leaving her place that day, wearing the terrible disappointment of another unfulfilled promise, I could not have imagined the road would eventually lead me to South America.
Every so often her words remind me about being comfortable in the darkness, often not fully understanding what she meant. It is actually today, this morning, there is clarity. It was more important what she said after telling me about being comfortable in the dark – I do not need light to see, which was forgotten. It was because of my concentration on her first words, the additional statement was shelved……until now. It is with great sadness I admit, today, we do not have the elders as we did with Grandma Margaret and Gramma Grizzly. At the time, they were explaining to me, I was an elder on her journey to claim the title and recognition. Today we call old people elders, but they do not have the sacred knowledge or wisdom – they live in fear, making choices from that space instead.
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