The Next Step

April 21, 2022
The Next Step

Timing is everything, something we all say. Still it amazes me to see the coinciding of certain events which take me by surprise. Life really can be compared to a puzzle or a game board when such circumstances clash to steer you into a new direction. The game board or puzzle can be fascinating, exciting, difficult, sad or happy – each turn we take has the potential to change our lives in a significant way.
My life was in danger. I was given instructions to move on the game board to protect my life. One of my previous stories explained the difficulties with a co-worker which caused me to take steps in a new direction, something which was very difficult at this time as it is not a comfortable or stable situation. Of course this caused me a great deal of stress, until I realized the guiding forces of “Spirit” were showing me it was time to move on, to trust and have the strength to “Believe in the Magic” that is “Spirit”. In my life it has been quite clear I am never allowed to stay in one place for very long, something which is very difficult to explain to anyone who does not understand my story, my life and the significance of my family history.

About a month ago I was given the very clear message to ensure I moved all my blog stories to something not digital or online. Although I took the message seriously at the time, moving all my blog stories into another app which did not require online accessability, I was given another clear message this was not enough. The other day, I was about to write another blog story in the app “Notes” on my iPad, something I have been doing for the last few years now. This has ensured the story is not lost, as sometimes there have been crashes on WordPress with my story in process being lost. Quite frustrating to say the least as I try to remember everthing said in order to rewrite the entire story. Something I did not expect, was what happened with my “Notes” app. It crashed just as I began to type, disappearing in the blink of an eye. When I reopened the app, years of stories, dreams kept to myself, official documents, absolutely everything was gone. Not a trace left of everything saved over the years since the purchase of this iPad, which was quite a shock to say the least.

Being dazed for awhile as I contemplated how to save files held in another app, not yet lost, made me realize the significance of what just happened. I had been warned, there was just not enough understanding at the time what this warning encompassed. At the time I was going to purchase a printer and save myself a hard copy, but the expense seemed too much considering my current work situation. Although I did not lose some important files in other apps, those files now are not easily shared. In other words I can no longer print, save to another app, send a copy in an email or save it in any other way – I have been locked down so to speak. If one thinks about it, this is not only a warning for me, but to everyone, which is why I am sharing this experience. Back up any files or information you deem important enough not to lose in this way, because it is very possible it can happen to any of us. As I told my friend, I seem to always get a warning bell long before most other people, so I do take these things seriously. This situation also helped me understand my story has signficance, something I have been contemplating ever since this occurred.

May 1, 2022

This morning after several days of pondering the reason for my loss of files, and yet another strange happening, I am starting to see this from a different angle. After successfully transfering my blog stories through a rather round about way, I began to work on my computer. It is a new computer, an ASUS, which I’ve never heard of before – just a bare bones machine which I really do not know how to use properly. I have always used apple products, but could not afford such a luxury at this time. In fact this computer was bought simply to regain at least some of the music saved on my old Mac. Patrick got all my hard copies in the form of minidiscs and I have no idea what he did with them. With this purchase I was at least able to retrieve a portion of the thousands of songs I had painstakingly collected over the years. It was a difficult loss for me as I have considered my collection vital to my healing over the years. So back to the computer recently purchased, which is a far cry from what I have been used to – you get what you pay for.

I began the task of breaking the blog stories into years to make it easier to go through and eventually print. While working on the year 2019, I hit save a couple of times after making several corrections, a saftey measure learned many years ago.
To my great surprise, after the last save, the whole document disappeared, not to be found anywhere. Obviously if I had more knowledge of how things are saved on this computer, I could have probably found it. However, the choice to just absorb what had happened and why seemed more important. Other than being frustrated about having to begin the process again, no harm was really done. It was this last dissappearing act of my stories which peaked my interest, the different reasons going around in my head over the last week as I knew there was a message in there somewhere.

Although it is not a new thought, as it was something I spent time trying to coordinate in my mind during my stay in the Andes, there seemed to be more urgency to understanding the message. The dissappearance of the files a clear indication, at least to me, there was something about this year which was important. As I once more began to format the stories, I of course also stopped to read those which caught my eye. What came to me immediately upon embarking on this task a few weeks ago, was how much I went through during my time in South America. The dreams alone were a reminder of the importance of the journey and how deep I had to go in order to accumulate some of what has been hidden in my minds locked room. So many details forgotten as the next dream or adventure popped up. Whether the blog is meant to be put in book format for others to read seems to be less important than realizing my story carries a great deal of information. It seems there has been need for me to revisit in order to appreciate their significance. Rather than continually asking others to pay attention to all I went through in my life, the key is for me to completely absorb all that I have been able to remember. The story carries no weight if I cannot appreciate the incredible journey I embarked on once the memories began. I have to wear those stories inside and out in order for them to be visible to others. What surprises me about this thought process, is how the importance of talking about my past is taking a back seat. Rather, wearing how those experiences changed me, having the confidence to step out of the role of victim, the aspect of this lesson which must be paid attention to.
A year ago, I was given the message from my father that I must find my own voice. Looking back on these stories, I have begun to see what he means, my own story an important journey. This does not mean it has to be shared, at least not in the way first thought, it just means it is time to re-evaluate the progress made in order to stand in my own shoes, hear my own voice rather than his alone. After all, this was the purpose of the journey – to find myself!

The timeline becomes significnt when looking at my dreams and then comparing them with actual events regarding both my parents, but in particular my father. The dreams beginning in earnest during the year 1997, which highlight events during the year 1967, among others, as well as drawing my attention to significant events in 1997. It was inevitable of course that the year 1997 would change my life in ways I could not have believed at the time, leading me eventually to Ecuador and finding home. For now I have broken down the significant dates from both years, most of which was written about in the year 2019. The “coincidences”are as follows:

The Year 1967:

May, 1967 – I received a head injury which is detailed in a couple of stories. This is important because at the time of the injury, I was given the choice to live or die.

• As a side note of interest relating to my dreams or stories:
• Che Guevara’s mother died May 18, 1965 – connected to my dream of January 25, 2000,
• Pierre Trudeau became the Minister of Justice and the Governor General in 1967 – connected to my dream of July 11, 2019,
• The hockey playoffs talked about in my book was May 2, 1967. Bruce and Neil were both serious Montreal fans, so they never missed a game,
• The Family Phypers went to Montreal Expo the summer of 1967,

June/July 1967 – Jackie Kennedy almost drown while visiting the family home in Ireland,
October 9, 1967 – Che Guevara was executed.

In particular my story “Death Was a Choice” written while in Ecuador seems to tie in the important dates during 1967. The experience inspiring the story was quite amazing, something completely unexpected, although it should not have been. Really nothing should surprise me at this point!

The Year 1997:

February 3, 1997 – first dream about my father
March 25, 1997 – dream about my father (sapphire eyes)
June 28-July 5, 1997 – the body of Che Guevara and his comrades were discovered at the airfield in Vallegrande,
October 17, 1997 – Che Guevara’s body was re-buried in Cuba,
November 23, 1997 – my dream about being stabbed in the heart entitled “Awakening” (note this is also the anniversary of the death of JFK)

• More dreams followed over the years, all noted in the books “Finding Home” and “The Beginning, The End and Everything Lost In Between”, but this was the year I began to understand my life was perhaps not what it seemed. How interesting the dreams, visions and memories all began the same year my fathers body was discovered and returned to Cuba. In particular the dream “Awakening” happening a month after his body was returned to Cuba which also coincided with the anniversary of JFK’s death, have been of great interest to me. It is also of interest to me my emotional “shut-down” began after my fathers death in 1967. This is when I became an island in a sea of people, not coming off my self designated location until my journey began in Ecuador. It is because of this journey I am now able to stand more firmly in my own space, fight for my rights and shrug off the cloak of victim.

Journal entries or Book stories relating to the dates above:

My Mother, Coincidence, Resolution – Journal entry October 5, 2021
Death Was a Choice – Journal entry from July 11, 2019
Finding Home, Chapter 3; Last Moments With Che
Finding Home, Chapter 3; The Year 1997

The Beginning, The End….And Everything Lost in Between, Part 2; My Father

There have been many changes during the last few months, some of which have taught me to remember nothing is permanent.
The most important gift from the many difficulties, has been to acknowledge my ability to adapt, change and let go in order to move more fully out of the circle of abuse I was raised in. Although there have been some moments which have caused me concern and days when there has been more stress than is needed because of my former co-worker, overall acceptance of my situation with grace has been achieved. The last year has taught me to trust, have faith in a greater force than mine and appreciate the fact that moving on does not mean disaster or failure. I finished my last day of work at the one stable job left yesterday with absolutely no qualms or worries. Instead, there is a hint of excitement, of wonder at what is around the corner which needed room to grow, the loss of the job allowing for that needed room. Another adventure is coming which feels very positive, although I have no idea why my confidence is so strong regarding my next step. Growth comes from lessons learned, the process quite often having varying degrees of pain. However when you get to the other side of the pain, the value of the journey leaves us so fulfilled, we decide to do it all over again. So the road in front of me has mist covering much of the surrounding environment, blocking my vision, yet it feels peaceful, I feel strong, happy and ready for whatever happens. Of course we can’t always be completely ready, the unknown holds surprises. The trick is to be ready and willing to accept the next lesson with as much grace and gratitude as possible. Where do we go from here……?