Sleep did not come easy last night. Then after only a few hours of sleep, I was awake and lay in quiet reflection. Mali was heavy on my mind, her presence always such a comfort during these sleepless nights. Once more, I must have fallen asleep, although it felt more like a spirit journey. I was at the home of a family I did not recognize, yet there was familiarity between us. It was a strange feeling, as if I was watching myself in a movie, the family one I would have known in real life but as is common in movies, not quite the faces you recall.
After spending some time with the children, I went into my bedroom and seeing Mali’s bedding, which again was not typical of the bed Mali used, began to put it away as she would not longer be needing it. A man came into the room, someone I was not comfortable with, yet I allowed him to stand beside me as I worked, offering his condolences. I began to cry and could not continue. Hunched on my feet, my head on my knees, I reached up to take his hand. It was not a hand I felt though. This needs some explaining………
What I saw was a hand, but what I felt was the ruff ness of pads on a dogs paw. This was confusing to me as I raised my head and looked up, confirming it was a man beside me and his hand I held. This confusion brought me back to myself, my eyes opened as I lay there shivering.
Not being able to reach the family who took Mali Since the day I left Ecuador, I am unsure what has happened, if anything. My desire to hope for the best wills me to believe she can reach out in this way in life as well as in death. As I got up to start the day I felt the need to turn back. Mali’s spirit was just rising from her place on the bed, walking to the edge to jump down and join me. This was when she disappeared, so I must accept she is gone……yet still with me.
As I began writing this post I heard the familiar sound of what can only be described as a giant bee hovering at the back of my head. Perhaps it was attracted to the bright colours of my shirt. Seconds later a hummingbird flew past my right ear as it continued on its way, leaving me with my tears. Of course there was gratitude for the incredible timing of the sacred bird inhabited by the spirits of our loved ones who remind us we are still together.
August 5, 2020
Today marks a very big change in both my life and that of Señorita Mali. Today we part ways. The grief is heavy as I try to put to words how important she has been to me. I am not sure I know how to get through my days without her, and I mean this sincerely. Her presence from the day she arrived in my life has been a source of comfort, something no other living being has been able to provide during my life. Out of 60 years, the last 10 have given me a connection completely unknown to me. My heart opened to her, allowing me to feel love for the first time since I was a child. Her gentle spirit, playful nature and willingness to be in the moment, whatever that meant, showed me the way back to myself.
She gave more than she took.
In the past I have spoke of my daughter, her illness and how she also taught me to love. My experience with her opened a door, I felt I had permission once more to feel, be connected on a deeper level. She gave me a reason to fight for what I wanted…….to be loved and respected. There came great strength from our relationship, I think for both of us. Reminded of my past through her difficult childhood experience created a wedge unfortunately as we grappled with our emotional turmoil. Our love became wrapped in a gossamer layer protecting us both from further hurt. The layer once so soft and flexible grew firm and leathery with the years as the complexity of the situation strengthened.
Mali, over time and with such gentleness, removed the layer around my heart, slowly over these past 10 years. With the realization we would be parting ways, came the understanding of feelings openly strong for her. My guard is down as I allow myself to feel the love, not just say the words. Saying hello means we will eventually say good-bye. Opening our heart means we will risk being hurt. I am so very glad I said hello to this beautiful spirit who changed my life with her capacity to love. I pray she is not hurt by our parting, that she will understand the decision which I now feel is in her best interest.
She was poisoned the first week we were here at Victoria. Although she did not die from what she ingested, it was touch and go as I held her through the night willing her to live. I do not think she ever fully recovered, her spirit willing, but her body not always capable of keeping up. I have had a strong sense over the months, long before I decided to leave Ecuador, she would not survive the plane trip if I were to force it upon her. Such thoughts become confused as you begin to wonder if you are justifying the reasons for your decision to bring comfort. The other night however, I felt the message in my being, leaving no doubt in my mind. I lay there quietly watching her sleep, remembering all the nights her gentle snores helped me relax and fall asleep myself. As I put my hand on her, I felt her illness, the residual of the poison taking it’s toll. The trip would be very hard on her, but I know she would rise to the challenge.
The other day walking to Apuela, Mali could barely keep up. She trailed so far behind at times, I wondered if she would make it. I walked slower, stopped to admire the beauty around me and waited for her to catch up. Where she once ran 3 miles to my 1, she was now content to lag behind smelling all the pee spots. The trip here combined with the poisoning aged her quite a bit, although neither of us is really willing to admit it.
I think of her wandering the property where Maria and her family live, going fishing with Abel at the river, snatching up the bones tossed her way, and I know it is right to leave her here. I imagine her as a teenager leaving home for college, something all mothers face, and this gives me better perspective. After all, it is possible I will be back visiting her before long, one never knows what is just around the corner. She will be well cared for she will be free in a way that could not happen in Canada. She will find happiness in her new home, of this I am certain. It is just in her nature to do so.
And so the wheel turns one more time, another day has begun and we look to the gifts available. The Hummingbird, so common in my daily life in Ecuador, was the first seen here in Maple Creek, so one can only appreciate the significance of its timely arrival.