August 9, 2022
I was a little nervous going to work yesterday because I had felt rather strange when I left the last day I was there. It was a situation where I understand now, I had picked up energy from the last couple who had been in the store and transferred the very familiar energy onto my shoulders. This is the exact situation the iridologist has explained was my biggest issue so many years ago. This idea what I am picking up from someone’s relationship which mirrored mine for most of my life, this is what I brought home with such a heavy heart the other day. Although it is entirely possible my behaviour at certain times last week was exactly as I described in my last post, I failed to allow room for the idea I may not be in a punishment/reward relationship with both of my employers at this time.
From the day they found me, killed my horse and imprisoned the couple I lived with as well as myself, I have been in an endless loop of punishment/reward relationships. It is all I have known for basically my whole life. What I did not factor into the equation of late was how my recent foot down, not this time attitude was changing my life and the relationships I have been forming. Yesterday I fully anticipated punishment of some degree. Because the man I work for is and has been incredibly kind and supportive, I felt he would not be hurtful, but would reprimand me in some way. Not so. Instead, I was given more responsibility, which to me represents…….more reward. In other words although he does not pass out compliments (unstable reward) alternatively he shows gratitude by asking more of me (stable reward) which indicates his faith or trust in me. By saying “I trust your judgement” at one point in our conversation, I realized I was not at this time in a punishment/reward relationship. The very first one in my life as far as my professional career stands. My personal life, upon reflection has also seen changes as I have managed to maintain on some level, friendships which have survived all my growth during the last few years. Some have even become more solid as time goes by which has made me less afraid and therefore less critical.
If you have never been victim to a punishment/reward relationship, it may difficult to understand how easily one can remain in one. Because mine started at such an early age and because I was quite innocent, this made me vulnerable as well as more susceptible as the years passed. It became all I knew, forming this ingrained response of victim mentality with a programmed understanding this was love. Had I not gone to Ecuador, spent so many months very much isolated and alone as I learned to let go of life, then accept its return, I doubt I would have stepped out of the endless cycle of dependency I was in. The first step was to admit the truth about Patrick and to completely let go of him. Every step forward from that point brought me closer to what became clear to me yesterday.
I am learning to trust in this idea of acceptance for all that I am despite so many shortcomings and flaws. I understand this idea I had to be perfect, morph into whatever someone else wanted which was ever changing so they did not have to change at all, is no longer in my best interest. Never was of course, but until lately, this was not something I could really accept. This does not mean I am comfortable with this new way of thinking as out of habit, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Still it has given me the confidence to begin being an adult, more so than the child. There was this impression the child was far more acceptable, likeable and desirable than the adult could have ever been. So now the process of discovering the positive aspects of the adult has begun. As I strike for balance, allowing the child like qualities to remain as they are so pure of heart, I can make room for a positive relationship in my personal life as well.
The trick is to hear the criticism or receive punishment as an adult. The child cannot suffer anymore, she has endured far more than she should have. In order to protect her I must stop allowing her to be up front and centre. This defence mechanism has been in default mode forever, the adult never fully understanding her role. It’s as if there has never been an adult until recently. The child became adult like, but never truly grew into the role as most do.
August 10, 2022
This morning I had a very long and involved dream, the majority of what happened lost now perhaps because there was just so much to it. There were important details though which became the theme in a sense, which then became another reminder of my progress as the adult in me emerges. The overall message was letting me know I was beautiful. When I say this, it is with humility because it had nothing to do with physical beauty as far as I could tell. My father whispered this message to me as I participated in the dream without him. There was a sense when I digested the information this morning, this was him letting me know how he sees me and this is how he wants me to see myself. There was this deep understanding the beauty is not connected to ego because it belongs to the inner child which cares nothing for how she looks. Her sparkle and joy emanates from how much she is loved, so having nothing to do with her outer self. Such an important message truly, to be shown in this way the importance of love and its effects on how others respond to us, see us. The term “beauty is only skin deep” is exactly right because what lies underneath is not always the same.
Towards the end of the dream my mystery man joined me on this inner journey further indicating the importance of such a relationship nourishing us. I have not been loved as my father loves me in my outer world since I was taken from my family and faced with them, their deaths. Although in the spirit world the love has always remained, this became unrecognizable as a result of the torture and then a life without affection or love from those I lived with.
If this man is coming into my life, as he surely must if the increasing dream messages are an indication, then I will have come full circle in the most important aspect of my life. I will find completion of self through being loved for who I am. This is the great power of love! What was amazing in the last part of the dream was how this man encouraged me to face my fears without creating more fear. This is the power of trust! I find I’m looking forward to this adventure which will help me explore the undiscovered aspects of myself as an adult, with the beauty of the inner child as we at last merge into one!
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