September 1, 2022
Just 2 days ago Camilo, son of Che Guevara died while visiting Venezuela. I saw the post on FB and immediately went quiet inside. It is the strange quietness which happens whenever I feel connection to that which cannot be proven. It was late Tuesday evening when I read the small article explaining the loss of someone I had hoped to meet one day. There were no tears until the following morning which came with the recognition our paths would not cross as I had hoped they would. As I did my morning ritual, the idea he was with my father now, meant in a sense there would be connection, his spirit at some point would understand he had a sister unknown to the world. Although this brought tears to my eyes, the sadness became hope as my day progressed – for some inexplainable reasons, there seemed to be a shift inside – my inner being became a little stronger somehow.
This morning I woke up just before 5:00, unable to get back to sleep. Aware, but not remembering the very involved dream I had been having. With summer passing, the mornings remain dark for longer, the need to stay in the comfort of my bed for awhile, very strong. This was not going to happen this morning though, I could feel the energy in my room which meant yes, a story needed to be written. Still, I lay there unsure because I could not remember the dream which I felt was the reason for my early wake up call and therefore the story. The basis of my restlessness which carried importance today was not clear until as I lay there with my eyes closed in silent comfort, the light of spirit was seen. The message came with the two distinguishable lights, one white, the other blue, a sort of pulsing glow which seemed to be separate yet indistinguishable. So quietly, it came, penetrating my thoughts as there was understanding inspiring a visual interpretation of the words not spoken outwardly, but in my conscious mind.
Yesterday morning I read my horoscope as I do every morning. It often reflects what I am going through inwardly, which continually amazes me, therefore why I follow this astrologer. It was as follows:
Sagittarius- Wednesday, August 31, 2022
An irksome scenario has brought you face to face with something within yourself that needs to be changed. The solution is to let go of a troubling old experience that has lingered on far longer than it ought to. The original trauma came because of circumstantial machinations that are now over. A new and wonderful adventure awaits your participation as soon as you let go of the past and set yourself free.
For me there could be several traumas needing me to let go of, even though I have done my best to shed the burdens of the many from my past. This morning there is the strong impression of knowing exactly why I linger. There is also the incredible understanding of why I remain a child rather then stepping fully into my adult self. With the dream gone, there can be no confusion about the message given this morning. Seeing myself once more in the room as I once more opened my eyes, the lights of “Spirit” no longer visible, I understand why I can’t let go. I am still waiting for my father to rescue me. Stuck in the room of my childhood prison as I wait for him to walk through the door, hold me in his arms, letting me feel the safety of our previous world then set me free.
Bound to the four walls by the worst trauma of all, not being rescued by the one person I knew loved me more than I could believe possible, I remained in my cocoon of pain and loss. My journey has brought me to the remembrance of this love and the knowledge he would have saved me if he had been able. There has been an idea in my mind and my heart he did try, surrendering rather than fighting to the death. Of course this is very possibly my need for a chivalrous ending rather than seeing the truth about his tragic end. My need for him to rescue me became the part of my prison which I could not escape from. The princess locked in her tower waiting for her prince, which of course could never happen. My prison lost the four tangible walls of the real world, becoming those which trapped me in my mind, surrounded by sorrow, a much worse prison as it required memories long since locked away to unlock the door.
By walking this path, the truth is I have been rescuing myself from those confines. My fathers presence, his love and his insistence I do not give up, have been my rescue. What I saw so clearly this morning was how I had never left “the room”. My body and my spirit have been restrained by those boundaries, the walls made of fear and distrust. Every time the door of that room opened, it brought with it more trauma, so it follows the only person I believed could stop it, was my father.
Now I must have the courage to walk through the door on my own, no strings attached. There was the belief telling my story would open the door, and this has been the truth. However an open door is not freedom, it is the act of walking through it which ensures we are ready to face whatever is on the other side. Sounds easy does it not? One must realize the consequences of remaining in such close space, with such limited human interactions though. The bird in the cage does not necessarily leave the safety of its home.
I have been reading “The Life of Pi”, which perhaps has inspired this thought process as well. The main character Pi talks about the zoo his father runs, giving a very good description of his views about how wrong our perspective can be with regards to animals held in captivity this way. In his view, if the animals have proper enclosures, they enjoy the life of safety they are provided. I will not attempt to give voice to what was described in the book as it is so eloquently written already. With this idea in my mind, it was easy to reflect on the safety of my own prison and accept remaining there. Although there was much pain, there was a bizarre sense of safety in the confines of my personally constructed prison. It is when I step outside of the room keeping me a secret which places me in a world of ridicule, humility and possible danger. Fear which created the walls, is why I have remained so long. As the woman met in Ecuador explained, the danger was facing without a spec of proof, the criticisms I could surely expect. The shaman also felt I must be so certain of my claim, so I could face those in the media who would do their best to discredit me. Still he insisted my story must to be told for everyone to hear.
Well the truth is I cannot ever find out if I stay hidden in the shadows. There is understanding however, I was not yet strong enough, the vulnerability of being in need of others acceptance has held me back as it most certainly would. In conversation with someone the other day I said very certainly that I did not care if anyone believed me because (as I placed my hand on my heart) I know what’s here. It was not until he left the recognition of the surety of my words was felt. There were no butterflies, no wiggly little worms in my belly challenging my statement – only strength of conviction. I say this because I recently faced the disbelief from someone. It was obvious despite her saying nothing or maybe because she said nothing. It was of course another test. Do I stop or do I move forward? The answer was clear the following morning when there was resolution within to take a bigger step forward. With this step, I find myself out of the room of my lifetime confinement. So this new journey begins……
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