November 27, 2022
It seems so simple. Think differently on any given subject. The truth is though, most of us have ingrained ways of thinking, thereby doing, because of so many years living in a way comfortable to us.
The traveller has the unique ability to look through different eyes, if they choose to travel with an open heart and mind. I saw evidence of what happens with several “gringos” in South America who did not see the value in travelling this way. This included most obviously my ex-husband Patrick. People who travel to places like Ecuador with the intent of just living a cheaper, simpler life, tend to bring all their pre-conceived notions and bad habits with them, unwilling to change, but expecting others to do so in order to accommodate their way of thinking and being. I saw how this made them kind of bitter and angry because they felt the world they just moved into should change to suit them and what they wanted and needed.
We have seen this also in Canada with immigrants who come here to get away from circumstances in whichever country they arrived from, only to expect us to change and respect their way of life without considering our way of life and how it may be useful to them. Rather they group together forming their own tight knit community which by its very presence excludes any local Canadian citizens. While I can understand their need to find the comfort of what they have always known, it is those who make the effort to get to know the other cultures in the community they moved to, who are the most respected I feel.
I did not go to Ecuador to change how the people there think or live, but to learn from the experience in any way I could. The friends I made because I wished to live more like them rather than prove something, thereby not respecting their way of life and the why of it, became my family. Gaining great respect for their strength, courage and incredible kindness was the result of walking in their world without expectation. They in turn, I believe respected me for having the courage to travel on my own, especially as a woman, with the intention of sharing and helping because of my personal inner journey.
While working on the first version of my story in Ecuador, I read something which Patrick added to one of the stories which I did not at first feel capable of removing. He said “she (meaning me) is neither intelligent, nor resourceful, yet she is not stupid either”. Realization this was how he viewed me throughout our life together was not easy, yet I knew it all along. He had at last put it on paper with the hope of everyone seeing, his intentional slap to my face for all he felt he had endured by living with me. How he felt was only verified what I was told growing up, that I was ugly and stupid! Not an easy box to climb out of truth be told – staying out of the box though, much harder still. Not until he abandoned me, never to be heard from again, was I able to at last remove that statement from my book, then begin removing every other trace of his involvement. Over time the understanding of the many hurtful things he did even before we left on this journey began to surface. His need to hurt me had been very great. Learning to rise above such a form of control has been a process – those who have come into my life ever since challenge me to react differently to the same behaviour patterns. This is the gift – to recognize the pattern, then change the reaction to their behaviour. Think differently, act differently. So many years of ingrained behaviour programmed into me through violent acts, abandonment and lack of affection or love only adds to the difficulty. In order for what I crave the most to return to me however, means facing this dragon until it becomes my ally.
The dragon sleeps with one eye open, there is no escaping his den, so one must be determinedly brave and focused on changing in order to be truly free of the heavy burden of abuse. Love the dragon, learn to be safe with the dragon, allow it to become your protector, not your enemy. Face what you fear the most, no matter how many times it comes back to you, until it is so small as to go completely unnoticed.
The two people who have come into my work world (one at each job) are there for this purpose, to help me change how I react, rather than accepting defeat due to lack of self esteem – rise up, remember the truth of who I am, push back with all the light that comes from doing so. Then step back into my own space, my own power, return to the gentleness which is my nature.
The problem being, I still have much unresolved issue with what both my husbands did to me, to my family, and how they were connected to those who initiated the process of making me too small to be counted. The importance of understanding the irreparable damage believed caused is only true if I allow it to be, means I can change, grow and be my true self once more. Hanging onto the negative emotions caused by the irrational behaviour of those brought into my life to teach me this lesson, has changed my perspective. The very important gift from all this, has been to recognize those negative emotions must go, replaced by gratitude for releasing the karmic debt in doing so.
Fear causes us to hang onto what is comfortable despite the cost which goes unnoticed until it’s too late. My need for the truth cost me everything, so would I do it again? Yes! Had I done as I was told many times, to stop searching, would have meant not remembering how much I was loved. To die believing you have no value, is to reject all life is meant to be. There will always be bullies, their power though comes from our refusal to stand against them. If we are more afraid of what we could lose, then we will lose all that is important in the end. Their behaviour comes from the same place as the pain they inflict on others – fear.
November 30, 2022
This story has been written over a few days, beginning November 27, 2022. Over the past month many dreams have been unretrievable for me each morning, yet understanding the message they carried was important somehow. One particular morning last week I saw the very clear image of the man I have to work with at one of my jobs. His presence puts me in fight or flight mode beginning the day or two leading up to the next day I work with him. Until this morning, I did not comprehend my strong reaction – truthfully I couldn’t figure out why I disliked him so much, why his very presence irritated me in so complete a manner. Why do I feel so threatened by him? A few things happened yesterday morning, a day off, which helped me get clarification. This all began with a Spirit visitation last evening in my home. The movement of this person who wore dark clothes caught my eye as I was enjoying a show. It occurred to me how comfortable I felt knowing this presence was there, and could not help wondering why.
I recently purchased a new version of our childhood concept of a snow globe. This one uses batteries or can be plugged in. I love this light which is a warm golden color with sparkly snow floating around a snowman and deer. When plugged in, it shuts off after 5 hours, which ensures I do not forget to turn it off at night. On Tuesday night just before going to bed I boiled some water in my kettle, smudged and expressed my gratitude for all the good things in my day. The snowman light had already turned off when I went to bed. This morning (Wednesday) I was very surprised to see my snowman light was back on – my first thought was of the Spirit I saw last night. Understanding there had to be a reason, a message of importance, I began my day knowing it would come through when I was ready to hear it. I went to turn on my kettle to make coffee only to find it no longer worked. These two things were connected, staged for me to take certain steps which would lead to my revelation this morning.
I had planned to do some running around today because it is unusual for me to have a day off during the week, but because it was so cold outside, and believing my paycheque would not get deposited until the following day, I decided not to. However, I was surprised to get paid early, which meant I could go pay my rent and get a few things including a new kettle. Logically I would go to where I work to get my kettle, knowing we have them, but when I thought about walking into that store and having to see that man, the panic attack began. I was in fight or flight at the very thought of seeing him. This actually stopped me from wanting to go out at all to do what was important for myself, like paying my rent, which did not sit well with me as I worked on my puzzle in the quiet of my morning. When the idea I could go to a different store, thereby avoiding this unwanted interaction popped into my mind, this changed my day completely.
Those who do not understand PTSD, fight or flight and how trauma from our past has the power to change our decisions in the now, most likely won’t clue in to the significance of this important decision for me yesterday. So simple, change your thoughts, change your life……yet it can be the most difficult aspect of any moment in our life.
December 1:
The snowman light was not on this morning when I got up, nor had it been any other day since purchasing it, the significance was not lost on me. Nor was the fact I was more tired this morning as I turned on my kettle, than I was last night when I went to bed. When this happens, there is acknowledgement significant work was done during the night. Everything came together as I did my light exercises when I again saw the face of this man I have been forced to work with. The eerie resemblance to the man who tortured me as a child, the missing puzzle piece at last being handed to me.
Everything about this man makes me feel sick – his voice, the way he speaks, his intonations, his way of walking, his body, face. Even the way he claims the space he’s in, his mannerisms and his direct intent to box me in purposely on many occasions all bringing me at last to understanding. The most precious gift hidden in plain sight as the pain frees the light once more. Papa created a situation which forced upon me a decision which would decide my ability to change my thought, to then change my life. Had the kettle been working yesterday, the clarity of how this man affects my day and why would have taken longer to realize. sometimes we make the choice not to see the obvious so we can pretend certain memories are not real.
Over the time frame this man has been working at the store, it has bothered me greatly how much space he began taking in my mind. I couldn’t seem to get rid of him, his face jumping into my daily routine no matter what I was doing. These thoughts were controlling me in a way not experienced before, so I knew it was significant, however just couldn’t grasp it. Even writing about this today causes me to be in panic attack mode, dreading the moment when I have to leave the safety of my home to face another day being around him. Visions of the violence I associate with him because of the resemblance to my past abuser present in every moment since the day he started the job. A cruel situation to be in, but as all things in the healing process, necessary. He is not in my life by accident! Just as my daughter was sexually abused to inflict the pain of my past, bringing it to the surface, reminding me they controlled me, this man is here in an attempt to keep me from moving forward. What happened to my daughter at the tender age of 3 was done as punishment for my decision to leave the arranged marriage I was in, make a decision for myself due to my newfound courage to do so. This situation also seems to be punishment for going forward with my story, not giving up. Nor will I!
Waking up with the smell of fear on so many mornings of late, unable to remember the dream or memory clearly, the message just beyond my grasp has created much tension in my neck as I struggle to deal with the ghost knocking at my door, the dragon rumbling. The big question is……can I change the way I interact with this man now that I understand why he has made me so uncomfortable? Not so far. An even better question is – why would I want to continue having him in my space, especially knowing why he affects me so much in this negative way? When you recognize your childhood abuser in someone you have to interact with, for example at your job, it is an opportunity to face the great fear associated with such a person, then walk out of that circle. Think differently, change your life.
This is my opportunity to face the very worst human being, not only from my childhood, but my whole life. His pleasure came from torturing, especially children. When I can look at this man or hear his voice without hatred, I will have left my prison for good!
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