I promised I would no longer dedicate a whole post to the pandemic myth, so I will keep my promise, although each day I find much to say on the subject. I will however provide some comments, a kind of summary of recent events.
Today I just want the express my thanks to the pro-vaccers for officially starting the pandemic in our quiet little town. Since my arrival here last August, we have not had a single case, both before and after the mask mandate. Introduce the “jab” and voila…….we now have 5 cases here in town. Now some might call that a coincidence, but for those of us who do not believe in coincidences, I call this a very unfortunate truth.
As a footnote, I will just add my thoughts on why everyone is calling it the “jab”, a word which triggers a very negative response with me. The truth is, there isn’t a vaccine, so it can accurately be called an injection or a jab, use of the j word stops people from lying about what they are getting. You will notice those promoting this fictional fix are moving away from calling it a vaccine, calling it more and more by it’s true name. The jab is a more appropriate description of what they are doing……jabbing you with the poison which will eventually kill you. Unfortunately some are dying very quickly, but the process not at all an easy one.
Life experiences have taught me to have complete faith in “God” or “Spirit”. People on the other hand have taught me the world is to a large extent “Godless”. There have been far too many in my world who are the most devout church goers who have no faith, do not believe in miracles and do not trust the path they are on. Until my daughter was born, faith, trust and belief in a higher being, something I thought had been lost to me. The pregnancy, the delivery and all that happened after she was born was in effect a rebirth for me as my faith in something greater than man was re-awakened. Her presence in my life taught me love is possible if you can face your fear of the losing it at some point. It was not until I realized she would not ever allow me back into her life, I began to let go of my greatest fear. The more we have, the more can be taken from us; our attachment to all things, even our children can be used against us in difficult situations. How many times I decided to stay in my marriage because I was afraid of losing my children, unable to provide for them being my main concern. Fear blocks visions of possibility. If we cannot see a new path, we cannot change or grow. Sometimes, “Spirit” pushes us onto a new path so we can change, something we often can’t do without a little help. In my mind, problems we encounter seen as unresolvable, are those pushes from our spirit guides. How can we know what we are capable of if we do not try? Failing to accomplish something does not mean failure, it only helps us choose direction from that point.
I had two conversations recently which were quite interesting to me. The first was with a man who was buying a book from the store I was working in. There was no one else in the store which allowed us some time to share thoughts. I learned from him his daughter has PTSD, his concern for her touched me deeply. He said something I found remarkable, which I will share because it was an idea which had not previously been a consideration. I feel it is important and may help others see the side of what we, the sufferers of abuse unintentionally pass on. It was his idea, PTSD is transferable to those who live with the victim. This was something I could understand immediately, our confusion, our fear, lack of trust and inability to get close to others creating something akin to PTSD.
Being caught in the push and pull struggle of the tormented mind must indeed have affects on those who work at trying to bridge the gap and regain the trust and love lost. I offered to help in any way I could. But as often happens, I am left wondering if this is possible. Can one person carrying so much pain actually make a difference? Often there is the feeling my journey has been for nothing, because I don’t seem able to share it in a meaningful way. It was because of our conversation that day however, I decided to put my book “The Beginning, the End……..And Everything Lost in Between” on this blog. It can be found on the side bar in the the menu under this title. Although there is the feeling no one has ever really listened to my story and understood it to be true, the residual of my dream the other day also gave me the idea, the story has merit if one considers it was born from love. Everyday now there is understanding the love my father brought to me gave me reason to keep going. As a result, often there seems to be no other purpose to my life, other than to share the beauty of what he instilled in me. This new perspective has allowed me to view with better vision, the path I find myself on since arriving back in Canada. Once more I feel gratitude for the people met while at work, their stories becoming part of mine as threads of their lives show me how we are all connected.
Also met while at work, was the pastor of one our local churches. A friend of a friend. I watched her as she used the hand sanitizer, something I really pay attention to since returning, realizing I could never get close to someone who makes use of it. It is foul stuff, doing more harm than good, the chemicals or the alcohol which also has chemicals in it drying out the skin and being absorbed into the body. A health care worker once told me she doesn’t use it because by the third application you create the perfect environment for germs to grow as it becomes sticky. Silently I thanked her for sharing the information which gave my thoughts about the product verification. The use of it by others has become my trust gauge.
She also shared her thoughts regarding those who get so angry about wearing the mask…….strike 2! I explained, for someone like me they are a health hazard (although, truthfully I know they are a health hazard for everyone). I also shared my thoughts about people being concerned their right to choose has been taken from them. We went onto safer subjects, such as life in Ecuador. She also mentioned at one point when I explained I did not believe in church, the united church was a little different than say the Catholic Church which I grew up attending. Not that I support the Catholic Church, but the manner in which she said this meant…….. Strike 3!
Nothing against this woman, (or her church) who I am sure is a very nice person, one I’d enjoy talking to, as long as it wasn’t about religion or health, because I felt her uneasiness on the subject. Once she had left, it occurred to me, that if I were to go to a church, follow a minister, pastor or priest, (which I have no desire to do) it would be someone not like her. For example, I would be inclined to follow the pastor who went to jail recently for 35 days because he fought for his right to hold mass in his church. He was fighting not only for his rights, but those of his congregation, which I must add grew because of his strength of conviction. This is a man who has faith in his calling, believes in his purpose and had the courage to accept the punishment (wrongfully given) of jail time in order to make his point. How crazy the world has become when we put a man of the cloth behind bars because he believes in our right to choose. Now really, how can people not see the stupidity of what’s happening when they follow this man’s story?
So as I watched her leave, after using the sanitizer once more, then pulling her coat sleeve down so she wouldn’t touch the doorknob with her bare hand, I saw a woman without faith, not someone I would be inclined to trust when speaking about God, Spirit or the miracles of life. Nope, just could not see her as a strong person, but rather one who would not be able to hold onto her convictions in a threatening situation. This still does not mean she is a bad person, quite the opposite, really, but what’s happening in our world right now is a test of faith. Those who are insistent about wearing masks, use unlimited amounts of sanitizer and plan (or have already gotten) the “jab” have in my mind failed the test with its connection to having faith. The world has become a much smaller place for me as I watch how things are unfolding. The whole situation has just made me very sad as I watch and listen to so many who have let go of their faith in order to trust the lies. Understanding we are on different paths, something needed to let them follow theirs. Just as they cannot change my mind, I cannot change theirs, nor is it my responsibility to do so. What has bothered me from the start is the idea my thoughts and feelings should not be different from theirs. While I listen to both sides, I often feel my side is viewed as crazy conspiracy thinking which has no value. In my opinion, it is their refusal to accept the possibility those like me could be right, which is causing the most trouble.
So I am even more grateful for my dream the other morning, which seems to have given me the ability to forgive and let go, not just of what is happening in our beautiful town, but also of the trauma, those who inflicted it on me, and once more have faith I am on the right path and in the right place at the right time. Knowing what lies ahead is not necessary. Knowing I have been given all the tools necessary, because of my past, holds great importance.
For the better part of the last 4 years, the idea I must do something to make things right, the most important aspect of my day, each day. Now I see, just being here, being myself, accepting who I am and how much I have been loved, all that matters. There could be no greater gift than the path which led me to this moment in time, allowing me to recognize myself, despite the very difficult terrain, uncertainty, and isolation which comes from a life of abuse. You see, it is this exact path which has allowed me to accept others for who they are, our disagreements not as important as our meeting. I hold no malice in my heart for any who have hurt me, although I cannot deny the anger from the hurt at times. The anger always dissipates within a short period though, realization there was a lesson about myself needed, the discomfort of such knowledge lasting much longer than the emotion. Often the anger is a representation of a problem needing to be worked out, meaning once I understand the reason for the anger, I can let it go completely. Over the years, it has been the feeling of vulnerability, loss of faith in myself and lack of confidence in who I am and what I am capable of, the cause of most disagreements. I only ever wanted to be heard, understood and forgiven. To not have a voice is truly an abuse victims biggest challenge, not being heard seems to encourage the need for forgiveness, although we often know not what for. Without faith, could we believe in the person we were before the abuse? Could we get up and face the impossibility of each day, if faith did not assure us we could?
Can trust be regained? Can faith endure after so much has been lost? If you are asking me………. I say faith need not be regained, but is actually a survivors greatest strength. Trusting others does not come back come easy, if ever, and this is our biggest difficulty. It is my belief, only through unconditional love will we find the capacity to trust.
We are told we cannot love anyone if we do not first love ourselves, however over the last few years this is something I now disagree with. I believe it is more that we learn to love ourself, when we are loved by someone else, the way they see us, showing the way. In the same way we can also be taught to hate ourselves through the constant criticisms of others. All of us have the capacity to love, as we are all Gods children. And what is God? but, unconditional Love………