In April of 2020, I was in severe lockdown as the country of Ecuador had shut down completely. No one in or out of the country, no travelling outside your district or town unless you had written permission, roadblocks in the town and on the main roads and highways with police checking papers and reasons for you not being at home. For me, with an expired visa, not enough money to get home (even if they would let me go), this meant a great deal of uncertainty. It meant staying on the property so I would not be questioned about my visa, the consequences unknown. Without a proper command of the language, it seemed smarter for me to not challenge the system at the time. Also, I did not have a mask, could not imagine wearing one, but knew it would be very uncomfortable being seen without participating in this courtesy. Where I lived there were no doctors, no hospital and it was a long distance to get to one. With limited transportation and many who used the bus to go anywhere they couldn’t walk to, precautions were wise, if for no other reason than to give a measure of comfort to those who were so afraid. Personally I did not have any concerns about this virus, instinctively I knew I’d be fine.
I am sharing an excerpt of what was written during those days of almost complete isolation because of how important it has been for me to read these words again after so much time has passed. To realize how being in that period of time gave me so much inner growth, is beautiful to be reminded of. Also it is the last paragraph which holds a great deal of meaning to my situation today.
From my ayahuasca ceremony after my arrival in Ecuador 6 years ago, I was later told by the shaman what he was shown during the ceremony. He told me I had no face, which represented the heavy burden I have been carrying. Also he said I had beautiful long wavy white hair (it was much shorter at that time than it is today) which represented my beautiful heritage. But today it is the lyrics from the song “Dragonfly Wings” by Joshua Kadison, which talks about seeing his face in the mirror again, and how it relates to my ability to hope for love at the time this was written which is important to share. During that period, it was not easy to see how I would ever meet anyone who would capture my heart, but there was great strength to the feeling of possibility which gave me such a warmth in my soul. This helped to keep me going, this dream of finding someone. It is good to have hope, but false hope becomes dangerous for someone like me who has been betrayed so often by the very people she trusted to love her always, including my children.
The twin flame. Seeing double 1’s so often lately, I decided I needed to refresh my understanding of what this Angel number means. The twin flame, one aspect of its message, something I’ve been reminded of a few times lately with different numbers which also indicate this message. So yesterday, as I struggled to get my head above water with the heaviness of this season pulling me down, I read this:
“………Angel number 1111 is also a number that holds messages in reference to twin flames. A twin flame is a soul that has been split in two with each half residing in a different person. When your paths cross each other, it means that there is a valuable lesson or a life-altering connection coming your way. Not everyone has a twin flame and sometimes we can even miss out on our twin flames by not being connected. To see angel number 1111 could be a hint that your twin flame is on the horizon or that an encounter is close by. If you are already connected to your twin flame then it could be that you are going to have a twin flame reunion, a wake-up call, or if you are separated from your twin flame, it could mean that they are sending a message through the universe to you…….”
Now of course many would have a good chuckle reading this, not able to put any value in its message, but I live by the unseen hands which put such messages in front of me in order for me to look always for the positive aspect of every situation. This has been a struggle lately with the introduction of a man who I have yet to meet face to face but have developed feelings for. His claim of loving me from the beginning was terribly difficult to believe, yet I could feel it, I could feel his energy despite never meeting him. The twin flame explains this as it means we are two halves of one soul. This also explains why being apart has been causing distress and anxiety for me. In 2020, I was given the first indication he would be part of my life – just an idea in my thoughts, still so far out of reach it seemed impossible. Then I dreamt of him, a closeness shared impossible to describe in words, but I knew he was coming for me, would be in my life. Waiting, watching, always aware of possibility with every man who walked through the door of the bookstore, yet realizing how impossible it seemed as the years go by and nothing even close to what I felt coming into my life.
Then out of nowhere from the most unlikely place I could imagine, he drops into my sphere and the door was opened into my long closed heart. The struggle has been intense for me as I try to trust this situation, knowing I cannot endure another heartache of loss he could represent because I’ve allowed him in. So yesterday was the day understanding found me. I asked for solitude and time so I could go deeper into myself and hear the answers needed to understand my position. In Ecuador this was so much easier for me, I lived so close to my heart there, able to hear the slightest whisper. Here it is near impossible for me to get such valued space, quiet and solitude, something I miss so very much.
My connection to “Spirit” comes from the darkness, the quiet, being in nature, something pretty much impossible for me to experience here, so yesterday I forced the situation, limiting my chores normally done, so I could sit quietly and listen. It paid off, my heart so light again, my need to crank the music up and dance felt, my joy returning with this lightness. I’m exactly where I need to be and am now feeling such hope, ready to accept the relationship with my twin flame.
So this excerpt is a gift from my past which has helped me see I do have a future, something I was beginning to doubt, causing such heaviness in my soul. This has meant the hummingbird has been trapped still – this part of me needs love to fly free. Only then can my story have meaning and purpose.
Excerpt“……….When I see something like the banana tree producing it’s fruit, I cannot help but believe in magic. Is it not wonderful to see this? In Canada it is just a delicious fruit that shows up in our stores, the knowledge of how it came to be not something I ever bothered to learn. I find myself understanding just how fortunate I am to see it first hand – to be part of this world that provides us with so much beauty, mystery and yes…..magic. Just as hearts appear in front of me as I walk around, there is much to be appreciated every day, if we take our minds off our problems to see what is hidden in plain sight.
I love knowing this, it has become like a treasure hunt for me to find something each day that I didn’t expect to see. I suppose this too is why the song has such a meaningful connection for me. In my childhood, magic was removed, my imagination a source of humiliation. I grew up to believe the beautiful thoughts in my head were stupid and became afraid to share them. Through my art, I have learned to remember the beauty of imagination, it’s significance cannot be underestimated as I realize my ideas have been my great companions for so much of my life. At times, those ideas have been all I had to keep me going. Being so isolated now, I realize those ideas have been my strength, encouragement and hope each day.
“ I can see my face in the mirror again”……. Joshua Kadison sings to me as I listen to his voice carrying me away. Today I realize that I too can at last see my face in the mirror again, the feeling of recognition in that reflection, something I wasn’t sure I would ever have. But I am still the girl walking in the garden waiting for the one who will also recognize me, love me and stay. Is it possible to love and be loved when you have been so broken? Some days I almost think so…….
“Blues, greens, flying on dragonfly wings”……….”
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