How auspicious this clarification would come on this day – the 13th which falls on a Friday this month. Of course we are also in the slipstream of the full moon eclipse which happens on Monday the 16th in our hemisphere. Reading about this the other day, I have been preparing for a big change. Based not just on the information given in the video I watched, but realizing the strange feeling of being disconnected or out of step of late, making me more aware.
Two years ago, once my second book, the first draft written in only 3 weeks, marked another time of serious change as I began to accept my inevitable death. I was running out of funds, being so completely shut down in a country where I did not easily speak the language, creating an impossible situation for me. I calculated about 5 months left to me before running out of money and the ability therefore to live. I began preparing myself for letting go of my life, emotionally and physically, seeing no way forward. Having 5 months income, meant preparing to die in 4 months. I began to eat less each day, getting my body ready for not having anything to eat, unsure of how long it would actually take to starve to death. But this was the reality I was faced with, something which became quite peaceful, once accepted. It meant I was at the end of a very difficult life, one which showed me more reason to hate than love, though I never stopped looking for the beauty in all things.
Of course I am still here, my ticket back to Canada in essence saving my life, but not the life of my dear companion Mali. The past 2 years have been a mix of regret, acceptance and perseverance. However, the situation I found myself in while out of country, did not disappear, it followed me here. The price for staying alive in that country, meant going into severe debt, which I could not repay. Through the kindness of a friend, I was able to borrow enough money to settle one of the debts, but a larger one still hung over my head. I had hoped because they were from the same institution and because I had explained in full how I got here, they would understand it would be hopeless to come after me for more. They did not see such a connection. So almost 2 years to the date, I am faced once more with having about 4-5 months to begin the process of letting go of this life.
Receiving the “threatening letter yesterday upon returning home from work, made me feel sick inside, knowing there was nothing I could do to rectify such a terrible debt. Sitting with it for awhile until my brain could process the information as I came out of fight or flight, I sent a response admitting defeat, telling them to do what was necessary. I have nothing left. Instantly I felt complete peace. For the rest of the evening, the understanding slowly filtered in – the importance of letting go of what cannot be changed or undone. I must pay with my life if necessary, and I am completely fine with this.
This morning after dreaming about a situation which I was witness to, even more clarity came. The woman in my dream, someone from here, who I really do not know well, was in a financially difficult situation which involved medical expenses beyond her reach for her daughter. Just before waking, I said to her, because the man she was in a relationship with freely paid the expenses, no strings attached, “This was what was missing in my life, being taken care of, having someone to count on in such times of stress”. Thinking about this further, there is complete understanding how alone I have been throughout my life, never being able to count on anyone to be there consistently. Yes, I was helped 2 years ago, but the truth was, it was not the support needed, for it just brought me back to the same mess I left behind while taking away my ability to continue on my chosen path. I am here now, living in a country which has once more become my prison – as it was from the time I was 2 years old. Acknowledging this does not mean lack of gratitude for the efforts made on my behalf, but I wonder now why it was so important to save my life only to bring me back to this mirror of circumstances.
The answer is of course – to face this without accepting anyone’s help, just get through it as best I can. I have lost everything of value, none of it monetary, and so I am content to just let go. As we have seen during the last few years, anything can and will happen, so we should not, cannot trust in anyone but ourself. The world has turned upside down, freedom no longer exists and personal health is something the government feels they have the right to choose for us. Truthfully, I do not want to live in the world being created by such leaders as Trudeau. So once more I am safe until autumn sets upon us, then my journey will change in a way unforeseen at this time. I accept the challenge of riding this wave to freedom come what may………
At the time, it seemed I was being rescued to fulfill my dream to help the people I met in Ecuador. I needed to believe Mali would wait for me, that she would be there when I returned, because I fully intended to return. She understood, this would not happen, she was connected to the angels, something which became very clear last month. She literally was a gift from the spirit world to help me on the journey which would otherwise have not been made. Her presence in my life gave me the courage to take the trip. Had I not gone when I did, I would never have done so. Now because of ridiculous mandates, completely unnecessary, I cannot leave this country. I am a prisoner! The reason for coming back, I now see, was not to succeed with the project, that was just the incentive. The purpose for my return was to end this cycle of poverty which has plagued me since connecting with Patrick.
It sounds as though I am placing blame on this man who caused me so much heartache, and it’s true, I am. These are however, the lessons needed on my journey, so with the blame also comes gratitude. Patrick often put us in compromising situations because he hoarded his money rather than supporting his family. Bills were left unpaid while new expensive purchases were made, thereby ensuring our joint debt was never paid down. This debt he handed to me once my trip was finalized. Had I cancelled my trip, the debt still would not have been paid, I simply did not make enough money to do so. His promise to make loan payments rather than give me support payments when he ended our marriage physically, was dust in the wind – he never fulfilled his obligations. He did however acquire some serious new debt, a man to always over extend his limits financially. He was in serious debt when we met, a debt I paid off for him. He walked away from his debts here in Canada over 30 years later, thus placing a very heavy load on my plate. The continuous cycle he enjoyed, seeming to thrive on this kind of financial pressure disappeared once I was responsible only for myself. The problem, because we were and are on paper still legally married, he was able to hurt me by passing these debts to me. Time for this cycle of abuse to end, this is how I see my current situation. It’s time for me to be free of all which tied me to this cycle of victim hood.
Patrick set me up, there is no other way to look at his actions just before leaving. The way I see things now, is I am being given the opportunity to face this with the courage of so many years of experience leading me to this moment. The letter received yesterday was something I have been dreading as I knew I could not do what is right to fix it. I have put it to the back of the closet in the darkest corner, just like Patrick taught me to over the years, when I should have faced it head on with the courage Mali taught me to have. I can’t go forward, can’t find success while I’m still allowing this dark cloud of my failures to hide in the shadows. They can take whatever they want from me, I will face whatever this means, even death. Peace came because I realized I was not longer afraid of those consequences.
Recently I also accepted that if I was ever to have another intimate relationship, it would be with someone who looked after me. I will not be the mother figure to any man again. I will not be anyones victim again, I will not be subservient to the needs of anyone else at the risk of losing my own. This also made me realize I am indeed ready for such a relationship, one with a man who loves me, who I love back, who supports me, honours the path I walk and shows me the kindness and respect for doing so. This will allow me to love again.
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