Waiting………my whole life I have been waiting for those I love to return. This morning as I listened to music reminding me somehow of my father, I clearly understood this. Since my second year, losing everyone and everything I loved became my existence as one by one they were killed, leaving me in a harsh, cold and loveless world of waiting.
At such a young age, hope kept me from falling into the abyss, but as the days turned into months and then years, hope dwindled. While there may still be a spark, the cycle continued with the loss of children, animals and friends here and in Ecuador. With each unanswered message, I am reminded of the original loss of my parents, surrogate parents, friends and animals all taken from me before I turned five. So many…….
For me it has become easier to close the door on those who walk away, leave my messages unanswered or do not return my calls. It is the waiting you see which keeps me in the pool of water, struggling to remain afloat. Better to remain alone, than to wait………
Lately I feel such a overwhelming sense of hopelessness in the people of Maple Creek, another reminder of my own past. I cannot control what others think or do, but I can do my best to rise above the feelings of desperation felt by them. For me the root of desperation has lied in the form of waiting for people, information, confirmation, truth. This morning I can see it is the waiting which has hurt me the most. It is time to stop waiting for those who cannot or will not return. I am alone with the exception of my father, who never left me. Is it any wonder I have so much appreciation, love and respect for this man who will not rest until I am strong enough to stand on my own. Learning to be here without Mali, the first giant leap towards my independence. As I lose my fear of how my opinions and ideas affect others view of me, I also gain independence.
I have known far too many who are in a relationship, simply because they fear being alone. For years, I was one of them. My decisions followed someone else’s ideals, my belief they were wiser, stronger and better than me, ruled my life.
Underneath it all, I was waiting………for proof I was someone worth waiting for. I have yet, with the exception of my father, to find someone willing to wait for me to become whole. It is the situation in our world now which has opened my eyes to see the truth of my own emptiness. The hole inside which I never allowed to fill because, I have been waiting……
Back to normal. This is why everyone rushed out to get the shot, this belief their doing so would be instrumental in getting their lives back. The feelings of utter hopelessness now settling in as they realize nothing has changed. In fact it only gets worse. Restrictions are becoming harsher, limitations the norm of our daily lives, the attitude of “why bother” becoming stronger each day. This is what I see and feel during my days at work, this sense in those who come into the store of “why bother”. They believed with all their heart normal would start with the beginning of spring. Summer is here and we are going backwards, so not the solution expected when they anxiously lined up for that shot meant to give us our freedom back.
And this is the point. When we gave up our right to choose, we lost our freedom to live life as we wish. The joy of living each day in this freedom is being threatened because too many gave up their right to choose. Yes, when you got the shot, you actually took away the right to choose for all of us, this is what is behind the “passport”. Being forced to make a decision based on limited choices, not the same as having the freedom to choose what is best for you. This detail lost on those who choose from a place of fear.
They will continue waiting, hoping for what they once had, the elusive carrot always just out of reach. I understand better than most how this waiting drains you of “living”. The life we all enjoyed is gone, acceptance will provide some semblance of “normal”, but the restrictions are like a noose around our neck, getting tighter as we struggle to find “life” again.
I still believe rising above it, raising my frequency, laughing and accepting my aloneness is where normal lies. I say this because I feel dependence on others while not being comfortable with being alone makes us vulnerable. Peace came with knowledge in my case, happiness from acceptance. Yet for some knowledge has inspired the warrior inside, perhaps it is not peace within they seek, but vengeance for being forced to give up what they worked so hard for.
How many have lost their peace because of restricted knowledge, or half truths and inconsistencies lately? Not seeing the truth of this situation, the greatest restriction of all. Compliance has caused the hardships we still face, so it is in the letting go of fear which we be will saved. If we cannot face losing what we cherish most in this life, we will always be a pawn controlled by another. I have been taught to let go of everything right down to my ability to draw. While I may still find pleasure (although have not lost the physical ability to draw) in the act of drawing, if there is no way to share it, it becomes less fulfilling. It was in the knowing it gave someone else pleasure which inspired me. Yet another step towards freedom in letting it go. Our dependence on outside tools to remain in balance something which can be used against us also. Only when we can be completely alone with Spirit, God or whichever deity you believe in, do we become independent.
Sitting alone in my empty room as a small child gave me no choice, but to accept the lonely life in front of me. Fear became the biggest part of my being as they used everyone I loved to cause pain. It is only since my journey back home I realized how much they destroyed by this method of control. There is nothing left now for them to use against me, they have taken it all, love and acceptance what is left. This is true freedom……..
The way to release fear only done through the Love vibration. Achieving this, done through being quiet, filling the space with a higher frequency. Our tools change with each level of acceptance