The horse painting I’ve been struggling to finish has brought up a few memories. Because I never know what I’m doing when I start an image, there is always a sense I’ll fail. I’m not good with making mistakes due to the humiliation faced for even the smallest one made in my childhood. So each image became kind of a milestone undoing the damage, each one pulling me a little bit further out of the pit as I recognized the animals traits in myself.
The coyote and the cougar were two other images I had great trouble with. The coyote sat unfinished for several months. I left her on my table so that every time I walked past, I would face my fear of making a mistake. The problem with her was not about what I would draw, but what I could not draw. With technical pens, especially the darker colors, a mistake can be impossible to fix, so it was important to know where not to put lines. Eventually I got it and I believe she is still my favourite because of the challenge she offered, asking me to look deeper inside to get what was needed. As most know, my drawings or paintings are very personal which is why I don’t sell them. They represent a fragment of what I lost as a child, so hold meaning others probably won’t comprehend or appreciate. In some cases, what others see frightens them, as with the dragon in particular. The more astute feel the sadness, fear and the joy I somehow managed to infuse into them.
The cougar remains unfinished actually – in the care of a friend in Medicine Hat who graciously took all my originals for safe keeping when I went to Ecuador. For some reason I have not had the need to get them back which is interesting considering all they gave me. Maybe it’s because I still don’t feel settled, I’m not sure. The cougar was being worked on at a time when we were once more forced to move. Someone tried to take my life during that period as well which I believe has been the reason I could not face the cougar again. She has remained tucked away in my portfolio all these years. For a short time after we moved, I tried to finish her, but another forced move just created a wall around her and I never went back to it.
This period of time was a big turning point for me as I began to realize my story was more important than I realized. I allowed my 3 older children to go live with their dad because I felt they would be safer, no longer being able to ignore the threats we all faced because of me. The next years were spent on the road, an absolutely wonderful and sometimes quite terrifying time – I loved the freedom of not being connected to anywhere. During those years I was told several times to not pursue my story, not try to find out who I was, it was too dangerous. So of course I pursued, determined to not let anyone tell me how to live my life. Facing my many fears has brought me here, so perhaps the horse is a reminder of how far I’ve come and to just get on with it because what’s the worst that can happen? As a friend pointed out……I get another canvas and start again, just as with all life experiences.
Everyone who has encouraged me with their comments, their support, their kindness, has also contributed to my ability to keep going. Strength comes as much from those around us as it does from inside us. If we do not have anyone who believes in us, giving up becomes much easier. I was alone for so long, and wanted to give up so many times, but everyone who is in my life these past 6 years have given me hope I can make it to the finish line, find home and make peace with all that went wrong. The most important gifts in my life have been the many people met along the way, no matter the amount of time shared, as each one had a purpose and gave me a reason to take another step. So many have seen more in me than I could ever see in myself, my great gift! I’m so blessed!
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