Yesterday was my birthday……….or at least the day I grew up believing was my birthday. The truth is I don’t know the year, month, day or location of my birth, so this day has just become a representation for me, not something I have ever cared to celebrate. It has been a day more connected to sorrow than happiness, so best to ignore it. This time of year actually brings a melancholy into my soul as I hear the first sounds of the wind changing from summer to autumn. But I’ve realized over the last few weeks, the way to change this oppressive feeling, is to create new memories which allow the old ones to fade away to the background. The memories will not be forgotten or locked away as they are a precious reminder of all that was lost from the time when life was beautiful, just not prominent, a constant reminder blocking my path to happiness.
Last year I was in Bolivia on this day walking the streets looking for a place to eat. This day followed my trip to La Higuera where I came to terms with all that I lost, reliving the painful truth.
The Tree of Life. As I run my fingers over the smooth stone of the pendant purchased in Bolivia, I allowed my thoughts to explore why this symbol has been so important, how this pendant and the obvious insistence I receive it are connected to my fathers gift so many years ago. When papa reintroduced himself to me, The Tree of Life, safely stored in the great greenhouse of time, was what he presented to me. In and of itself this great symbol carries important meaning as it represents our connection to a higher being, no matter what name you give it. At the time of receiving papa’s gift, it seemed to represent my connection to him, a reminder to never stop trying to find my roots.
This morning I was given a new picture, one which shows how we all have this spiritual tree in our bodies as it is the connection to our heritage, our family and our true self, one which cannot be broken. Most do not ever experience the loss of this spiritual Tree of Life which is our foundation, so perhaps it is difficult to see it the way I do today. Receiving the Tree from papa as I did in 1997, became such a strong symbol, ensuring I would question such an unusual gift and why it was important to receive it. It has taken a full year as I celebrate the anniversary of receiving the pendant to understand on a deeper level it’s significance. Not until I made the journey to Bolivia did I understand the importance of standing in the schoolhouse where he was killed, connecting to my past in a way which could not be done otherwise.
in 1997, Papa was giving me my heritage back, both by introducing himself and by showing me with the tree, I was part of something greater than I realized. This is what they took from me when they brought me to Canada. Grama Grizzly said my spirit was shattered, but that was not all – they uprooted my tree, ensuring there was no connection to my home, my family and a heritage to be proud of. But papa kept it safe for me, nurturing it until I was ready to receive it again. It is amazing really, to acknowledge the timing of this experience as it happened just over a month after his body was brought to Cuba. It is my feeling his Spirit was trapped in that hidden mass grave, unable to reach me sooner as a result. Only when he was freed could he come to me, save me and remind me of my true family, my true home. So not just when I was ready, but when he was released and free to return to me.
To receive the physical representation of this Tree of Life, from a man so similar in looks to papa no less, and on the day after visiting his execution site, reminds me each day as I reach for it, there is no longer a disconnect. By visiting La Higuera, my tree has been re-established and is growing stronger each day.
I feel so fortunate and grateful to have mine back as I celebrate the anniversary of receiving the physical representation of this precious gift. Next stop Argentina. It may take awhile as it is getting increasingly more difficult to save, but it will happen when it is meant to. I am going home for the first time since I was taken and brought to Canada.
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