Finding Home

Excerpt from “Finding Home”

………I learned years later that my father was malnourished when he died, and I can see now that as I became more tuned into his spirit, I developed a yearning to understand him and what he went through. Unfortunately, I just did not realize that was what I was experiencing during that time. I thought it was about me, but I was learning from him, about him. This connection of spirit brought about the dreams and visions, the memories. Perhaps that was the true reason for my need to go hungry, to open myself up through the act being too physically tired to fight against my memories of him. In this way he was able to break through the barrier I had created to protect myself.

I am left to wonder how much of my need to be strong, to not give up belongs to this man that I barely knew. My story in reality is still his story, one that is important for him to tell.  He has not let me forget, nor give up…….

I had fasted for five days during the period mentioned above. At the time, we were struggling as a family and I had concerns about feeding my family, having enough. I decided that I had to know what real hunger felt like, understand the full scope of what that meant. We see in movies or TV shows the act of starvation by actors portraying someone else, but do they even know the depth of this emptiness in the belly?

Similarly, I also know the starvation of spirit and emotional well being. I have gone hungry for most of my life, searching always for the love and tenderness shown to me only as a small child before the age of two. Things most take for granted because it is the most natural experience in a child’s life. My childhood from the age of two onwards, was filled with the horrors of the darkest side of man. Locked in a room for an endless amount of time, rape, hunger. Memories of people killed and tortured, this is what my childhood was about. All of this done to stop me from remembering who I was, who my parents were. Fear, the best way to control anyone, for when we are afraid we will hold back on going forward with the simplist of ideas. We will push away what should be right and good for us in order to protect our fragile self. Each day of my life I am amazed at the strength of human spirit and our ability to live through so much. Often I have wondered at my ability to smile each day and offer positive and uplifting thoughts to others when most days getting out of bed was the most difficult thing for me to do. Facing each day as a ghost of myself, the fear of my past creeping in all around me. For any who do not understand the importance of an animals presence in our everyday life, this perhaps will help you to understand my dear friend Mali. Her presence as she greets me each day gives me the strength to rise each day and face walking out the door. Without her, I’m not sure I would have found reason to put one foot in front of the other. She is so much more than a dog. She is the strength of spirit, the embodiment of unconditional love and all that provides to an a wounded soul.

As I write the book and make sense of the memories which allow the emotions to take over me, I am bringing back the true spirit of who I am. But more importantly I am allowing my father’s spirit to live once again. I am here because of him. Together we are building a bridge connecting us with a fine silk thread that will not be destroyed this time. Last night I met with some people that confirmed my presence here, the importance of the book and my role in helping others find their voice.

I have noticed over the last few days that there has been a healing of my spirit allowing me to be truly quiet inside without fear. I am content being in empty space. Perhaps this sounds strange to most people, but if you have ever been in a traumatic situation, one that takes you so far out of your comfort zone, you are left wondering if you will ever get back to self, you may understand what I am saying. When you are in “Fight or Flight” mode, there is no peace, only a sense of being on the edge of a precipice, the outcome uncertain. Relaxation, calmness and peace come rarely if at all.  Being here, surrounded by these beautiful people struggling to survive, never losing the connection of spirit that keeps them going, has shown me the source of my strength as well as my connection to this land, to my father. Everything they are trying to accomplish is what he would have supported, in fact it is exactly what he died for.

“Finding Home” is not a place, it is connection to those who love you whether they are family or friend. Love and connection to spirit is your home and you take it with you wherever you go. I am so blessed to have found my home once again, first with those I have had the great pleasure of knowing back in canada, those very special people who have each given me a thread to be woven into my heart. Second, the people I am continueing to meet each day, all adding their silken threads, giving me the strength to stop and be present in this moment. It is the most precious gift I have ever received. I treasure each and every connection that has brought me here – you are all my strength.