The Gatekeeper
Humiliation originates from fear. The need for dominance and control of another are the acts of a coward and a sign of weakness, not strength.
The Dragon was born on my art table through the necessity to exorcise ghosts from my childhood. Abuse is a form of control and therefor an act of cowardice in my mind. The result in my case was a prison of my own making, the bars made from manufactured fear of so many things.
It came to me during group sessions with other victims that in order to heal and move on we must face those fears head on – we each must face our dragon. Although this sounds simple there is no easy road or guidebook to follow. One can take only one step at a time, one day at a time, sometimes even only moment to moment.
We all have triggers and these can be a smell, a tone of voice, a colour, the sound of certain music, a foreign language, a type of fabric, anything at all that initiates a response of fight or flight. Our experiences are often tightly locked in an inaccessible room of our mind. The triggers catch us by surprise, are totally unexpected, and in a flash remind you to be afraid…often without remembering why. This is most commonly referred to as PTSD and has become commonplace among those that are used to fight someone else’s war.
I was introduced to the idea of group therapy by a victim of abuse I had known only briefly. But she recognized my symptoms and insisted I should seek help for the trauma I had suffered. At the time I had only been dealing with circumstances from my teen years and the early years of my first marriage. I had yet to remember the events of my childhood. This would not unfurl for many more years when certain memories finally began slipping through cracks from my locked room.
At the time I was given the book The Hobbit, by JRR Tolkien. After several counseling sessions I was struck with the idea we all have a dragon we must face. This came from reading about Bilbo Baggins as he entered the lair, coming face-to-face with the dreadful dragon, Smaug. His size and fierceness would have most of us running to hide, but Bilbo swallowed his fear, facing Smaug with all his courage. This is precisely what it takes to face the memories of despicable acts meant to destroy the truth of who you were born to be.
I know for myself, there are memories I am yet unready to face. They remain locked away and I know perhaps I may never be able to face them. I have learned enough to know that those who chose to dominate and control me were cruel beyond measure, taking sadistic pleasure in the role of The Dragon.
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