Yesterday was a difficult day, my body heavy with the weight of past as I faced the possibility that Ellen was right. Reading the letters brought back the turmoil of those years as I struggled to find perspective. Once more I find myself asking “Am I just seeking attention, creating a situation in which I only harm myself”? It would have been so much easier had I never remembered. Once more I find myself wishing to hide and rebuild the walls.
I cried, and sat quietly, unable to determine my own view on the matter. I realized that this is how I felt growing up, heavy with sadness that I could not explain. I spent my time for the most part alone, hiding in my room or in a quiet corner of the yard. There was no one in my life to help me understand the sadness and why it persisted. There was just no one to talk to really, so I learned to just remain quietly on my own. Even when I had friends from school, our time was spent talking about our lives during that period, never about the past. The dreams and nightmares of my childhood slowly fading over time, with no one guiding me through them. The walls grew thicker each year, the sadness remaining, putting more distance between me and my past, ensuring I would not go back there. Until the dreams began once again…….
I could not concentrate on anything other than drawing, it was how I spent my day yesterday lost in a world of color, giving me a certain level of peace. It was the only thing that kept me from crying, as I concentrated on the image, letting it ease the pain.
The chapter to follow reminds me of the complications surrounding my life both during this period as well as everything before and after. I simply could not explain what was happening to me and it was obvious my adoptive family was not going to help me, I had to let spriit show me the way.
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