Thoughts of a Troubled Mind
I was actually surprised to find this page of writing because I did not remember it at all, written during my time in group therapy as an exercise to help bring the feelings and emotions of my current situation to the surface.
Writing became one of the most important tools in my healing process. I found it a most effective way to express my anger, worry and frustration for all that I was going through at any given time. I believe this was the main reason for the continued effort made in keeping journals. There are many entries I would not wish to share with anyone, full of ghosts better left alone, yet at the time it was a great way to work through issues, never to be seen by anyone.
I believe the following poem is important to share, however, as it gives reference to how terribly alone and frightened I felt, believing there was no way out of my situation. Body and mind both so heavy, unwilling or unable to process what was happening to me. I felt truly isolated, believing there was no one who understood me…a very difficult time.
In the end I found it amazing all that is needed is light the size of a pinhead to pull you through, this tiny circle of light ever growing if I let it in. That small opening took many years, but eventually it grew wide enough to bring me here to this moment enabling me to write this story. I find it quite amazing – anything is possible.
The air is cold outside
My body feels numb
Everything around me feels unnatural
My motions feel slow and unnecessary
The memories feel like more of a reality then the present
Confusion sets in and makes it hard to think straight
Who are my enemies?
Who are my friends?
Is there really such a thing as love and friendship?
What is it to really trust someone?
A bed looks so soft and warm
What a shock to feel the cold sheets and the damp hand that reaches out Dreams are no longer peaceful
Days seem long and mindless
Does anyone hear what’s really said?
How much is understood and remembered?
The rain is falling
I resist the urge to stand in it; to come clean
Once again I am sharing my body with another. It kicks and moves to let me know it’s ok, but still I doubt. Why does my body hurt so much? Does she have all of her body parts? Is it a she? It’s important not to share too much, after all it’s just another baby, another life to feel the pain of being alive.
I can see her brown eyes and broad smile. She has so much life, but she too is confused. My belly shakes with tears, then laughter, not sure which feels right. The tears leave me feeling exhausted, the laughter often seems unnecessary. Sometimes they are there together. Is it ok to be happy?
I can’t hide my stomach any longer, I’m an embarrassment. But I can’t let myself feel that. I have to be proud, I must be stronger. But don’t say much, forget the pain. Forget you’re alone. Remember you aren’t allowed to be selfish, think of them first. You and your body aren’t important. Touch your stomach and feel a part of what you’re bringing life to.
One day some of your hopes and dreams will come true.
Sacrifice, sacrifice
Your time will come
Your dreams won’t go away – nurture them
Be happy, be strong, be hopeful
I hate me
I hate my body
I hate sharing my body
I hate being in this life
I hate having to love someone
What does that mean anyway
Who really knows what love is
I don’t think there is such a thing
I wish I could die
I no longer know who I am
What purpose is there in being here
No one cares
I have no family
I have no friends
I am nothing
I feel empty and very lonely
I don’t want to be near anyone
I would be a hermit
Please go away and leave me be – I don’t want you!
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