Letter from a Victim
This was written in my diary so I am sure that this was done as an exercise from group therapy and that is why the poem is included. It was probably not a letter that I sent, it seems quite unlikely. As was stated in the previous story, writing became instrumental in helping me to exorcise the ghosts.
A little girl
Her bare bum in the air
A man laying on her bed Watching
Smiling
False love
Confused mother
Now I am sick again
I am not sure if this poem was written at the same time as the letter to Denis, but it is on the first page of the letter so I believe there must be a connection. I am a bit surprised at finding both the poem and the letter, having forgotten that I wrote them. I was obviously struggling to deal with what happened to me as a child, memories on the periphery of my memory. I wanted so much to be able to forgive Denis because I knew somehow that he was used as I was in a game that was vicious and cruel.
June 10, 1989
The day is cloudy and cool and it looks like rain again. I guess that’s because it’s the weekend. My three kids are with their dad this weekend and my future husband is out, so I have the house to myself. The music is turned up, sometimes it makes me think better. You have been on my mind so much lately because I have been healing and my memories of all those nights you tried to have intercourse with me have been very strong in my mind again. Those memories have haunted me for a long time – the funny thing is that you probably don’t remember them at all. I have had to struggle a lot in the past year just to wake up and face the day has been very difficult. But today I thought of you and what I have heard has become of you. It’s been awhile since I have heard anything, but the last report was that you weren’t doing very well. The alcohol and drugs had finally got the best of you and you have trouble concentrating, etc..
Today I feel sorry for you because you are living in hell and I’m fighting to get out. Every day I make some progress, but it’s hard to see it. I don’t have many people to share my progress with and that makes it easy to want to give up and slide back down to hell. But god sends me little messages now and then just to remind me to keep on going up. My kids are growing so fast – Joshua is 7 1/2, Colby is almost 6 and Rheann is 4. I am expecting my 4th , I always did want a lot of kids. They love you back even when you hate yourself. I never wanted a girl because of what happened. To me – you put a lot of fears into me and robbed me of a part of my childhood which I can’t go back and claim now. But I can enjoy my daughters youth and give her all the love and support I never received from my family. I still don’t have a family that I can call my own, but I am learning to accept it slowly. It hurts to know they don’t care about me or want to be part of my life, share my happiness and my tears. Some days I can’t bear that, but today I can. Today as I look outside and see the clouds rolling by and the sun struggling to find an opening, I can say to myself and mean it completely that I forgive you Denis.
For all the days that I hated myself, for all the days I closed up and wouldn’t let anyone in, for all the painful memories of false love and affection, for all the years of not being able to trust and love anyone – I forgive you.
There is a man in my life, I carry his child and today like so many others I hate him and why would I? Because I love him so much and I have such a strong need to trust him and be there for him when I really think I want to run away and be free from everyone and everything. When I look in his eyes, he draws me so far inside him that I know I can’t get out and I feel a kind of entrapment.
But I want to feel that safe place or I would run. In some ways, it’s important for me to thank you because your false love somehow made me stronger, now I have to learn to let go of my past and put my energy into my future. I can see that I have one now. There is also a few more people that I have to work on forgiving.
Slowly I heal and slowly I learn to open my arms and let the sunshine in. The crack is small, but it is there.
I’m sorry for you Denis, you have a long road ahead of you, but I pray you will have someone to guide you to a better life as I do now. Is it useless to ask you to take care of yourself? But I do wish you would – start now!
Good-bye, I leave you now to go back to my struggles. I’m sure I shall always think of you, because of my past, but maybe now they won’t be bad thoughts, or scared thoughts.
Brenda
Looking back, many journal entries have forced me to relive difficult moments from my past. Reading this letter was different, and I find I am really grateful for the insight, appreciating now just how much I wanted to forgive Denis and let go of what happened between us. I am struck by the idea we were both victims each with different strings being pulled as we danced to the Phypers tune.
— Original text as it was written in the journal —
0 Comments