Finding Home, Chapter 9; The Girl on the Train

The Girl on The Train

I recently watched the movie, The Girl on the Train. I had seen previews and felt very uneasy about watching it. So it came as a surprise when someone offered to lend me the movie, explaining how they really enjoyed it. In is in fact a very interesting story, one which I too enjoyed.
Surprisingly, it told me a great deal about manipulation and the power of suggestion, especially while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. I have found throughout my journey that movies can help by seeing your fear played out in a story. It is a safer way to validate the memories without actually having to relive them. Ideas come from someone’s truth, do they not?
For all of my life I have been searching for confirmation and understanding there are people who can be calculating, cruel and cold. This is a hard truth to accept. The memories of my childhood have been locked away in a safe place all these years. But still I am looking for connections to that past because I know these memories exist. By locking them away I am rejecting the reality of the actions taken against me. However, some fragments of those memories have surfaced and because of this I have been looking for a way to remember without actually seeing what happened to me.
While watching similar behaviour in a movie, I think it’s like being under hypnosis, I can understand the actions are real without experiencing them again. I am removed from the scene. I think this is why dreams often come to me in third person view; I am watching as an adult at a safe distance to what is being done to me as a child.
PTSD is an affliction forcing a person into a continual ‘fight or flight’ frame of mind. The mind does this because we are unable to accept what we have seen, heard, felt or done. To willingly or unwillingly participate in acts of violence, we become acutely aware of the danger which could easily turn against us, and so we find ways to cope with this possibility.
If we don’t remember or if we change the memories to something more suitable, we can carry on an almost normal life. The problem is the unexpected triggers. Little things that hit us when we least expect them. They’re as surprising as a sudden slap on the face which can rise up from a certain smell, tone of voice, facial expression etc. We are affected without understanding why. In those moments we experience an instantaneous decision to take flight or fight.
In this case watching the movie confirmed the idea it is time to fight for my right to be happy, successful and free. This has meant looking beyond what seems like an illusion, a series of events involving people who cannot possibly be right. I am reminded of a painting on top of a painting, hiding the original masterpiece. I am, as are we all, a unique and original work of art. In my case the original has been covered with mud and plaster, paint and dirt, burying the original spirit meant to live free. As these pages are written I remove those layers, revealing truth hidden away for a lifetime.
“Wherever the free mind of man is shackled, there you will find that man’s dragon.”