It is amazing, I have been here for two weeks now. I have never been cared for, looked after and loved so much in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have been blessed with many beautiful people in my life, whose friendship and love I treasure beyond words. It’s just that I have always looked after myself, not allowing anyone to really look after me.
I cried last week when the medicine woman said to Willak (and he translated), to give me lots of juice with no sugar and to just love me. It seems sometimes, more often than not in my childhood especially, that I was not worthy of anyone’s love. I grew up believing that I had no value, no redeeming qualities. Today for some reason that is making me very sad, knowing I spent so much of my life believing that I should not be here.
To be among people on a daily basis that cook for me, and take care of me spiritually is overwhelming at times. I try to help, but they just shoo me away or give me such a small job that I am done so quickly. They are so efficient in their work, and make it look effortless. I suppose that is how we are in our own space, comfortable in our environment. I am reminded of when I cooked Christmas dinner for 30 people on my own, did the clean-up as well, content that it was easier that way. Here family steps in and they just start working together comfortable with the rhythm they have maintained with each other. Talking, laughing and generally full of love. It is an honour to be around these people and feel their energy as they live each day.
Although this is more of a home than I have known throughout my life, I am missing the the idea of family, children, home and hearth. I miss my birth parents, my children and having a home that I made comfortable. I am a drifter, a wonderer, a woman without home or country. I am just myself, whatever that means. Today I am sad for all that I lost along the way.
But there are visitors coming today to learn about the Incan culture and how they live. I am looking forward to the ceremony and being with others who are learning as I am. Another experience grounding me and bringing me back to center, to joy.
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