Yesterday I had a small visitor which I identify due to the nature of his arrival, as a messenger. I first caught a glimpse of him while I was sitting on my bed writing a post for the blog. I happened to look up to see him flitting among the branches in one of the trees in the courtyard. I had not yet seen this species of bird while staying here, so I hoped to get a closer look after I had finished writing.
The puppies were crying at my doorstep, so I decided to go sit with them, as this usually calms them down. I was there only a short time when something flew past my right cheek, very close. It was just a blur really, I saw no color or shape, feeling perhaps more than seeing it go past. I thought it was an insect, but couldn’t be sure. My attention was drawn to the door behind me where I heard something land on, or run into it, but when I looked up, I could only see a small shape of orange/yellow color lying on the top of the door. Curiosity got the best of me so I got up to look at my visitor, and was quite surprised to find a very brightly coloured song bird resting there. I was mystified how I was unable to catch it’s colouring as it flew so close to my face.
I carefully walked past him to get my phone in order to take his picture, hoping he wouldn’t fly away as I did so. He was completely unconcerned with me walking by him so close, but would he allow me to do so again? As it turned out he stayed for about half an hour, just calmly resting there, as I contemplated his reason for coming to me. I have learned by now, there is always a reason. If anyone reading this story knows what kind of bird it is, could you please let me know? It wasn’t until the wee hours of this morning when I understood his message, one I definitely wasn’t expecting.
July 11, 2019
I really had the most amazing experience this morning around 3:30 am. I’m not sure I can describe it properly because it was a very spiritual one, leaving me quite amazed. I also had a difficult time coming back to myself, the depth I had to go to receive the information must have been great.
It was one of those experiences where I seemed to be in present day as well as being a child. In this case, I was being given the opportunity to remember the gift I received as a child – the gift of choice for life or death. I imagine this type of gift does not present itself very often, and this is why I was shaken, knowing first of all what a great gift it was, and secondly to be reminded of it now.
To begin with, what I remember was laying very still on my left side as my body slowly became paralyzed, maybe similar to a heart attack, but there was no pain. At this point I was in real time, experiencing the reality of possible death in those moments. I was completely aware of Mali’s body laying against my legs as this happened. I became enshrouded in deep blackness, something I cannot compare with anything else. I seemed to gently roll more on my back as I began to feel the numbness in my left arm. The blackness grew heavy, making me drift into unconsciousness, realizing as I did that I was indeed dying. I was not afraid, nor did I resist the feeling of sinking at first, but suddenly I thought of Lucas and called his name.
It was at this moment as I said his name, time seemed to change and I was a child, I believe I was 6 years old. I was now on my right side facing the wall. It was in this moment as a child facing the same situation, encased in this blackness, I was given the choice, to either accept the death I so badly wanted, or to continue with my life. I told the energy giving me this choice, that I would continue with my life, I would see this to the end as promised. The blackness supporting me dissipated and I became aware of my childhood bedroom. There was a light on in the bathroom, but I am unsure why. Did I just come out of there and forget to turn the light off? I am unsure of the significance of this detail, but I wonder if it pertains only to the awareness of time and place. Perhaps though, because I was always afraid to get up in the middle of the night, unsure of what I might find outside my door, the light represented some degree of comfort with the situation. But as I thought about this, I also began to hear a radio or tv in the background with a hockey game playing, very muffled, but identifiable. I also heard mentioned the name Trudeau, as in Pierre Trudeau; Prime Minister, but this confuses me. Perhaps again it is to verify the year, although he was not prime minister in 1967. It must have importance however, or the information would not have been given. This is when I came out of the dream or vision, my mind heavy as I tried to digest what just happened. It’s importance is not lost on me as I realized the truth of this memory and the significance to me now.
It was a little difficult to wrap my head around the idea my life may have ended in the wee hours of this morning. For if I had decided to let death take me back when I was 6 or 7 years old, I would not be alive today to share my story. My son Lucas whose name I called, would not have been born. I cannot help but be reminded of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”. A story giving us the opportunity to see we do not always understand the importance of our contribution to those we come in contact with and how their lives would change were we not there. While I did not see how the absence of my existence would affect others, I was able to understand perhaps my life does have value, something I have always had trouble accepting. I believe I was closer to this understanding at the age of 6 than I have been for most of my life since.
To give context to this vision I must explain; when I was around 6 years old I had an accident while teasing my brothers who were watching a hockey game. This is talked about in my book “Finding Home” chapter 5 in a story called “Memory Dream”. In this dream, I also seemed to be in two dimensions while experiencing an event similar to this accident. I have often wondered if on that night, when I cracked my head open and lay on the counter with my head hanging over the sink, if I had almost died. I always had the feeling the answer to that question was yes. It was never talked about, this accident or what may have happened, so this has been the source of my pondering. I see now, because of my experience this morning, I was right, this was the night I was given the choice to continue living or to let go and be free of the sorrow and pain. But I made a promise, and even at this young age, I understood the importance of that promise both for myself and those I made it to.
I have always believed, if we can help even one person because of what we went though, then it was not for nothing. We are given problems to solve, it is how we manage those problems which makes us stronger. With that strength, we can share with others, giving them insight hopefully to a beneficial solution, offering insight they perhaps could not see before. This was the intention behind the delivery my book in such a way as to allow free access.
I am content to be in my own company today. A gift such as this does not come every day, and I feel it ‘s importance as I sit in quiet comfort enjoying the day. The small bird on my door a reminder to pay attention to those details, those seemingly unimportant messengers that go out of their way to be noticed.
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