I have always loved puzzles, it was something we did as a family over the years on our big square coffee table each night after supper. Secretly, I loved when everyone was gone for the day though, so I had the puzzle to myself. Now I do puzzles on my iPad with an app every morning while I have my coffee. An excellent app if anyone is interested, called Kristanix.com.
The puzzle I was working on this morning kind of overwhelmed me, and mentally or maybe emotionally I felt incapable of sorting it out. This got me thinking about what it is about puzzles I like so much. The idea, our life being just like a puzzle made me think about how true this has been for me, and perhaps many of you. I have always started out putting the edges together, the most logical thing in my mind, sort of contain the image, see the boundaries. There are always over 600 pieces on my iPad puzzle which is plenty on such a small working space, and it just seems like a big mess when I start. Some puzzles are easier because of the lines in the image which give you a starting point as well as making placement easier to identify. But for those more complicated pictures, there is always a point when I am sure I will give up because it’s too frustrating. Then there is the tipping point, because I don’t like to give up on anything, when the area left to be finished is very small. It seems like magic that I got to this point which threatened to defeat me at the beginning. I work on it, bits at a time, waiting for the water to boil, when I need a mental break from something I’m working on. I try to get one done each day, sort of a personal goal as I don’t like to miss the opportunity for the new puzzle offered each day. Also I often find myself thinking about my stories, what needs to be corrected, that sort of thing as I work on it. This story came from today’s puzzle.
As a family we enjoyed doing the bigger puzzles – 1-2000 pieces, as they were more of a challenge, and there were so many of us working on it. Yes, there were a few elbow fights, and some groans as two of us reached for the same piece at the same time, but it was great family time. Once finished we left it on the table to admire the image, but not for long, as there was the desire to start a new one. Maybe some people glue theirs together to hang on their wall, but we just put it back in the box and stored it in case we had the idea to do it again some day. It was silly really to keep them for that reason, because doing it over would be comparable to redoing a part of your life, or a problem, that you had already sorted out.
Putting the pieces of my life together could be compared to a very challenging puzzle. Much of my life was just like the mess on the table at the beginning as I sorted out the edge pieces to define my space. Without a picture on a box to go by, the image posed many difficulties as I tried to imagine what the picture of my life should look like. After many years, distinction came, the reality of who I was becoming more clear, acceptance coming despite the impossibility of what I was seeing. Believing in the beginning with so little information, the idea I could live happily ever after once I knew my story, went up in a puff of smoke as I put the finished puzzle of stage one back in the box in order to begin stage 2. This puzzle is more confusing still, as I struggle to understand what to do with my new found knowledge. Those I have turned to for help have not been dependable and so I find myself at the tipping point of my life when I realize there is no way to go back and no way to go forward as I run out of options. This reminded me of the movie seen many years ago called “Abyss”. When the hero goes to the bottom of the abyss to find a way to disarm the bomb, he realizes as he reaches a certain point, there is no way back for him. He will die in his mission to save everyone else in his crew. His wife is panicking, but encouraging him not to hive up, when he says “We both knew this was a one way ticket”. I believe I understood my trip here was a one way ticket, convincing myself there would be a solution if I just chased away my fear and made the effort by coming here. In the movie mentioned, like all good stories, there is a happy ending, a miracle providing a solution, allowing the hero and the remaining crew to survive. Even though there is not a happy ending for all of us in reality, it is still important to believe there could be. Hope is a miracle each day for me, one which provides a reason to get out of bed and face whatever happens. Well that and MIss Mali!!!
The other day, I had this idea that if everyone who is registered on my blog were to send me 1 American dollar for just three months, I could live here for another year, easily. The sum of which would not carry me through 2 months in Canada. NO! I am not asking anyone for money, I never have and will not start now. But it was interesting for me to comprehend just how easy the solution could be, so the importance of not giving up on myself presenting itself, was renewed. Of course, I am afraid, and must continually fight back the thoughts of defeat each day. I have faced the reality of my decisions, accept they are mine alone and have no regrets. Being here has given me much to be grateful for, and I would not change it for anything. We can only place one foot in front of the other and keep trying because none of us knows when our time is up. Each day is a gift…….
Libra; Hard encounters frequently lead us to the bleak thought that life is an endless struggle against troubles and disappointment, with only temporary escapes from the grind. That idea must be plucked out of your thought stream whenever it finds its way there. The New Virgo Moon will heal your jangled nerves. You’ll discover a way to minimize the negative and maximize the positive. All you need is a modicum of self-assurance and a scintilla of courage. The Uranus super-charge of proactive energy will show you that many of your recent choices have been wiser than you think.
I realize many think horoscopes are silly and a waste of time to read them. Being alone as I am for so much of my time though, I find my Boothstars reading every morning, like a good friend whispering positive thoughts in my ear. It always seems to be telling me stay positive, don’t give up, everything is fine. I imagine most people have a good friend or close family member, spouse, child who whispers in their ear when the going gets tough. This is simply not the case for me.
Being born to parents who could not keep me, surviving in a world that did not want me, fractured the picture of my intended life into thousands of pieces. Over the years, as I began to understand who I had been living as, was not who I was, initiated the piecing together of that fractured image. With little to no support throughout of my life, I have mostly relied on myself to pick me back up, so my horoscope is a welcome idea each morning, a positive message to begin the day with.
If you do puzzles, your reason is your own for their enjoyment. I know for me, it is fulfilling to push past what seems impossible to complete the image. Who knows what the day will bring…..
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