August 27, 2019
A beautiful thing happened on the way to lunch today. It is a special moment indeed when I catch sight of Sapphire, lighting up my day, always! Of late, he has been flying very low as I go for walks, my run or even just sitting outside. It seems to me he is showing his support for the changes happening within me, letting me know I am indeed on the right path. Though I may be scared, the future completely uncertain, the pages not even added, never mind that they are blank, he is making certain I am aware of his presence. Every once in awhile, usually near the end of the month when my financial situation has to be faced, I get a bit panicky, realizing what thin ice my future is on. I decided months ago it was important to trust in what I cannot yet see.
Simple as it may sound, the reality strikes a different chord as the days pass and I fall a bit further behind. The last few days were trying, my confidence waning, as I struggled not to fall back into the hole. I can’t say I did a great job, but perhaps better than I used to, holding myself together, countering the negative thoughts with gratitude. When I managed to walk out of a moment of grief by reversing my thoughts, I would see the shadow of familiar wings as they passed by, the grey shape large on the ground. Representing a pat on the back is how it feels as I stand there accepting his gift, arms outstretched in grateful recognition.
Before closing my door to make my way over for my meal, I had the sudden desire to share a post on FB, but for the friends made here in particular. My blog, the book as well as the diary, have been shared with those back home for almost a year now, but it has only been recently, I made the attempt to translate some of the posts into spanish. My goal was to get it professionally translated, but every attempt to do so has fallen into the cracks, a major source of my worry. It was my idea, the book could be very beneficial to the people of South America as there are many who have similar stories. Translating it into Spanish is key however, the solution something which keeps eluding me. To make a point not long ago, I just copied the text and pasted it into google translate, giving it to someone here to read. My concern was the accuracy. Would it be close enough to give understanding? This person said it was very good, it made perfect sense, they understood. Now I know from experience, this may not be exactly true, but today, I decided to just try it.
Posting the link for the blog, my explanation in google translated spanish, I made it available before leaving for lunch. As I was walking towards the kitchen, a shadow passed in front of the sun, causing me to look up, my friend sapphire flying straight for me below the tree line. Could there be a more clear message? Based on my relationship with this life long companion, I must say no. As I put out my arms, turning to watch him go past, he circled back, flying once more to greet me. Looking past him, I saw many eagles circling overhead high in the mountains. Losing sapphire in the trees, I continued towards the kitchen, sitting down upon arriving. While my lunch was being plated, over my shoulder, the shadow of wings returned, catching them out of the corner of my eye. Going out into the open to be able to watch him, Sapphire flew past once more, then turning to come back, gliding in low, barely above the rooftop. Circling and circling, allowing me to enjoy the magic of his presence today, brought tears to my eyes. Not only joy, but calmness filled me, I turned once more to the table where my meal waited, as sapphire disappeared into the trees, unseen for the balance of my day.
Sleeping on it and thinking about it this morning, it seems to me this is the end of it, there will be no more effort from me to find a way to the truth. Who I am is not important, what happened to me not important, this is what my life has taught me. The man in my dreams and visions taught me something different, whether he was only my imagination or if the dreams are based on reality, he gave me reason to keep trying, keep living. Is it wrong to believe in the messages which taught me to look further than my own nose?
They brought me here, those dreams and visions, helped me understand life was not just about working until I died with my boots on. But it’s time to let go of the pressure which comes with the idea I must validate my life by doing something important…….. And so it is time to let it all go. Many times over the years it occurred to me I was just crazy, the situations not really that bad. I pushed it all away more than once trying to forget the dreams as well as the behaviour of those I grew up with. It always came back though, like a bad penny taunting me. It occurred to me based on how I felt as Sapphire flew over me it’s time to be free of it all. Maybe he was intent on letting me know my obligations are fulfilled and it’s time to walk away from it. My story is out there, it will find those who can benefit from the stories, it’s intended purpose now in the hands of those willing to share.
My life has been the story, my story has been my life. I do not know who I am without it, I do not understand where I belong. Where do I go from here……..
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