What I love about the lyrics for this song, is he is giving thanks for good and bad events in his life. I know for myself the elation of a breakthrough comes easy, it just wells up inside you like a fountain. The day is brighter, laughter comes easier and there is no difficulty in believing anything is possible. But what about when bad news knocks on our door and the answers elude us? Are we still, in the middle of the crisis able to say thank you? It is definitely not easy, I sure know this, but it is something I have been learning to do consistently of late.
Since Javier, Maria and Abel left, I have fallen back into a bit of isolation – the family looking after the place speaks to me only when they want something from me. It can be disheartening to be on the receiving end of someone’s idea of fairness which means they ask for everything you have and give nothing back despite their promises. Over and over I must remind myself, they do not see the world through the same eyes as me. In what manner of existence does one live which puts them in this mindset of believing they are owed? What do their eyes see when they look at the gringos who come here seeming to have an endless supply of cash. Perspective! We view the world from our limited ability to understand and conceptualize a life we have not been part of.
Lately when I am particularly frustrated with how things are going, or more accurately, not going, a voice jumps into my mind saying thank-you. It is a great voice, almost silent as it whispers the reminder. I am not sure how this began, this voice which understands I have forgotten my gratitude, but it is welcome. As if the shudders quickly and silently open, the view changes and with it my perspective. The vibrant colours of the trees, the sky and my impression of the air around me become visible once more. It sounds corny doesn’t it? But if you haven’t already experienced this, try it, you may be pleasantly surprised.
With the appearance of revitalized beauty, disappears the anger and fear holding me in the moment, the realization of promise still wrapped around me light as a feather.
As one looks at the photos of the devastation in the Bahamas, can you imagine yourself there, experiencing the complete loss some of them are experiencing? Can you picture yourself saying a prayer of gratitude as you walk away from a life’s worth of memories, struggle, and the beauty of all you know, realizing what it will take to start over? It was looking at those pictures this morning, I understood the importance of gratitude. Water is a powerful force, the wind also, a power of great magnitude at times, the combination able to end life. I found I was able to put myself in the photo, standing in the water as I climbed out the boat, my body unhurt, my mind becoming still with the idea of acceptance for the force of nature. Again, I found myself wondering – “what does it mean to lose everything”? Can we begin again without regret or resentment? Once more I wonder about how much we truly need to own in order to live a fulfilled life. In the wake of a storm such as Dorian, can we accept having much less than we thought, as we experience how quickly it can be taken from us? Would this make the loss more bearable?
With these ideas comes another piece of understanding into my thoughts. The anger comes, for me at least, when I feel as though my generosity has been taken advantage of, from the sudden realization of how gravely the boundaries were moved when I was so young. The encroachment into my space, the demands of my time, the constant ‘asking’ something I worked hard to pay for, which they don’t comprehend, are the result of too many years in prison. A prison of the mind, the bars solid as those on the ground, formed by the boundaries of morality and principals erased when I was younger.
I find it is a welcome reaction, this anger, for it is righteous anger, finally finding its place. However, it is also misplaced because it does not belong to those I face today, but those who have long passed from my sphere. The affects of unrequited anger towards my abusers. It is important for me to separate the feelings associated with the different situations and recognize my reactions to each must correspond accordingly.
We all have our expectations, believing our way is the best choice in certain situations, but my time here has taught me, it is more about perspective, rather than right or wrong. I do wonder sometimes, if the shoe were on the other foot, how would they cope with with similar issues as I am facing? How can one know until they are faced with it? We discover our strengths and weaknesses through our difficulties, the mirror exposing our vulnerabilities in detail – this is how we learn and grow. So the journey continues as I sing a line from the song “My Thanksgiving” which goes……
“Have you noticed that an angry man, can only get so far? Until he reconciles the way things ought to be, with the way they are…..”
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