It came to me while riding on the bus the other day – this simple thought about what it is to be human. Negro is black in spanish, different pronunciation, but the spelling is the same.
There was a black woman sitting beside me on the bus across the aisle. I was watching her because she was holding a small baby (her grandchild) on her lap, and she kept falling asleep. As she drifted further into sleep, her grip on the baby became less secure, so I worried the baby would roll off her lap. I was not watching her because she was black, I was not worried about the baby because she was black. I saw a woman who was exhausted, needed to sleep, and wished she would let me hold the baby so she could rest without worry. The woman’s daughter was sitting beside her, also asleep. I marvelled at their ability to do so. The bus was maneuvering over and around some pretty big potholes and mounds of mud covering the road on top of the already challenging drive through the mountain. It was difficult to not interfere. I put my hand on the baby’s head then tapped the woman on the shoulder. She wouldn’t look at me, I felt she was embarrassed. She shouldn’t have been, I was not judging her, but knew she would feel awful if the baby slid off her lap and she could not grasp her in time. My actions led the woman to change positions so the baby had more support, which was good because she fell asleep once more. I turned away so I would not give her reason to be uncomfortable again.
For some reason watching this woman, I wondered why people did not like being called “black”, and why people of other nationalities or color did not consider calling me “white” as an insult. Or maybe they do and that is the point. But white people don’t challenge the label we are given. I was curious about this as I watched the world go by.
Labels – why do we have to label people, categorize them, pigeon hole them? This reminded me of being in high school and all the years I was told I was “skinny”. Back then I wondered why it was an insult to be called “fat”, but it was ok to call someone “skinny”. I was offended by that term, I was a ballerina, I was very fit, I was not skinny. But even if I was skinny, why is one word of judgement ok, but not the other? I believe it is because of what we have experienced in our lives, that which makes us uncomfortable enough to judge someone else.
As we rounded another corner, I thought about where I am from, who my parents are and where I am living. I thought about DNA, about how the many cultures of the world have migrated, the integration of culture, and how some can accept, while others cannot. I am not white, I am not black I am not brown or yellow. I am all those colours…….. I am human. I do not belong to any race, religion or culture, I made my own…….I am human. I am not from one country, I come from more than one…..I am human. I am not a category……I am human.
I am often the only white person on the bus or in a crowd of people – it is actually rare for me to be in the company of any other white people. Since living here though I have begun to resent the label of “white” and now refer to myself as a “gringo” which means foreigner, even though it doesn’t seem quite right either. The truth is I don’t know what I am, what country I am from what race or culture I belong to, when I was born or where. I live in a world that seems to have not wanted me and do not really know how to fit in. It is a strange and difficult feeling to deal with most days. I think it has made me complicated, my thoughts and ideas never quite matching up to those around me – something I have always been afraid of…..until now. I am the condor and the eagle, I fly in both worlds, but not in either.
The frequent trips on the bus have taught me that I am myself, born into a world different from anyone I know. It has taken me a lifetime, but I have decided I will not stand in the shadow of anyone’s judgement. When you have walked a mile in my shoes, you will be in a better position to understand me. But until then you can never understand what it is I face each day and I hope you never have to…….
I am not like you, I never will be, nor do I want to be. I am unique, my thoughts and ideals are my own, I often stand alone, but I am comfortable with that. I am human….. I invite you to step out of your category and just be human. Let go of all that binds you to that category, be you without the judgements attached to your category. Be free, be part of everything, be nothing, be alone in your space.