I have been feeling out of sorts since have the ceremony last Saturday night. Because of this I have not wanted to spend time with anyone for too long, I feel a bit stressed by all the energy I think. One of the things Willak said to me Sunday morning was that if I’m feeling something, it is not around me, not in those I’m with, it is in me. He recommended that I leave if I feel this way. He also said the exercises he gave me should help too, but I don’t think even he realizes just how deep the hurt is, or if he does he is keeping it to himself.
This experience began the other day on the 31st. I actually had a very good day, we went to Ibarra and then came home to a nice lunch and our Spanish lessons. By the time we had finished, the bread making party was beginning to start downstairs. The whole family gets together and they make this funny little donut like buns that they share with everyone in the family. Not everyone has an oven to make bread with, so it is a night when the whole family gets together for this festivity.
I went down to meet one of the brothers of Willak who I had not been introduced to yet. It was at this point that I suddenly felt like I did not belong here. It was like a fist in the belly, and it confused me. It was not the brother as he was very happy to meet me, it is his son that is teaching us Spanish, but I could feel something in the room that was not good.
I went out with Mali right away as was suggested to see if I could get back my balance. It came back after some time and so I went back into the big room and immediately felt this energy saying “you are not wanted here”. I stood there for a minute to see if I could get some of my comfort back, but I felt like a foreigner, totally unwelcome. I went upstairs and did not come back down until I was forced to in order to save my life. There is a big oven in the great room and they had begun to burn wood shortly after I went upstairs, and this smell did not have a good effect on me. I had the same problem for the ceremony, the smell of the wood smoke making me feel ill. I thought it was because of the medicine, but perhaps the wood was what made me throw up, not the medicine.
I just plugged into my music, not realizing how long this was going to take them, the smell making me more sick as the time passed. I was not invited down to participate or to have supper which was very unusual, but it reflected this powerful feeling that I wasn’t wanted here. By evening the smoke was thick upstairs, filling my room and there was nowhere to go up here to get away from it. I tried to lie down and cover my face with the thick wool blanket, but it was not effective at all. Suddenly while I was laying there feeling drowsy and sick, unable to move, my mind slow with the intoxication of the smoke, there was a loud slap on the bed between Mali and myself which made us both jump and look at each other. By this time the smoke was something o bad I was enveloped in it when I went out of the room. I realized that I had to get out of the house and get some fresh air. My legs felt like jelly as I walked unsteadily down the stairs to the door. This was a familiar feeling, one I have experienced before from the toxic perfumes, air fresheners and shampoo. I was going into toxic shock.
When I got downstairs I barely saw the people that filled the room. The whole room was out of focus although I knew there were lots of people standing around, I could not see them. I went outside and began to breath deeply to clear my lungs which were burning from the smoke I had inhaled. It has occurred to me that had the slap on the bed not happened would I have got up and left the room, would I be here today. I sat outside for a long time listening to my music and letting the cool night air refresh me. I enjoyed the realization that I was incredibly calm, not cold and felt this beautiful peace which I had not expected. It was while I was out there I began to see that the medicine was still working in me. My feelings of being unwanted is a reflection of my past growing up without love, not being wanted. There was an energy in the room that made me uncomfortable, it was a trigger, but I also understood that I was working through my past with the help of the medicine.
After about an hour and a half maybe more, I made my way back inside, went to the bathroom and then to bed. I did not talk to anyone, no one seemed to notice that I had been in serious trouble and so I resolved that I would spend some time on my own for awhile. This decision was made because I felt that being alone was important in order to let the medicine do it’s job. I could not find comfort with so many people around me. So I did not participate in the family gathering yesterday either, not going downstairs at all except to go to the bathroom. I went to bed early and despite the loud music and fun happening, I slept so soundly that I did not hear the activities end, nor the people leave – I woke up to a quiet night with only the sound of one of the dogs barking. Falling back to sleep, I also had a beautiful dream and this dream tells me I am on the right path.
In this dream I was in my beautiful home, I’m not sure where it was, but the feeling was that I was somewhere like Central or south America or perhaps even on a tropical island (it was warm) with the open rooms and no hallways. Doors opening up to the outside that tells you it does not get cold outside. I was surrounded by beautiful plants kind of like a sunroom, it was warm and sunny. This reminded me of the statement from Mama Rosa that I would live in house with many plants and of excellent construction. This was the home I believe.
As I was walking through the room, a hummingbird flew past me heading towards a flowering plant ahead of me. It took me by surprise flying so close to my body, but I was very happy to see this gift in my home (it was a small green/blue one that I see often here). It flew to a plant that had huge purple flowers, tubelike in shape. The flowers were like tube socks, they were so big and the hummer just flew right inside disappearing. I picked up the flower to see if I could see the bird, but I don’t think it was there. Then I found myself heading into my kitchen, having to stop short because coming around the corner from the other direction was another hummingbird. This was one of the long tailed birds that I quite love, and as it got to me it stopped short hovering right in front of me. It was hovering pretty much in line with my heart chakra, and we both just stayed there enjoying each other’s presence. This was where the dream ended.
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