Last week I had a rather severe panic attack, which I am sure was connected to finding myself in isolation and not knowing how long I had to face it. I paced outside my room for the better part of the night, afraid to stop. I could feel the familiar “falling” sensation when I closed my eyes and this was very frightening for me. I made peppermint tea which I drank as I paced. My mind began to calm, but my legs still felt like jelly and I knew I could not stop yet. Close to 4:00 in the morning I at last felt it was ok to lay down and close my eyes, let sleep take me.
When I was just a young girl, under the age of 5, I was kept in a room sometimes – for undetermined amounts of time. There was no window allowing me to see the outside world, and the only piece of furniture was a bed. The light were kept on low at all times which kept me from knowing what time it was.
I’m not sure if you can image how difficult it was to be taken from my family and made to stay in this room alone, but it was and still is the most effective form of torture done to me. As I paced the sidewalk outside my room, it became very clear to me how easily I drop back into that room when certain things happen. Perhaps the biggest trigger of all, is silence. By this I mean receiving silence from the person you send a message to, ask a question of. It is the not knowing that puts me back in the room facing the the unmistakable feeling of isolation, the walls closing in on me making it difficult to breathe.
I began to see how the trigger of “not knowing” the answer causes fear and then judgement. I saw the correlation between my panic attack on this night and my behaviour causing the fear which put me on the treadmill.
While in the room, I had only my imagination to keep me company, which after a certain period of time became more and more difficult to control. I think that most of us can agree that not knowing causes speculation. While in the room, the only time I saw anyone, was when they came to hurt me again or force me to watch someone else suffer. The terror of that room still haunts me today.
As I paced, I also prayed. I asked for forgiveness for my tendencies to judge in such times of fear. I prayed for the help of spirit to guide my thoughts away from such tendencies, break this circle. I prayed for the strength to be a better person, be stronger and not allow the room to control me like this. I prayed my son would answer me, so I did not worry about him.
It has been 2 weeks now, my isolation has almost total. With the exception of a phone call once in awhile from Charles, I do not speak to anyone. I am fortunate to have people send me messages, emails which break up the length of the day, brightening the horizon. There has not been much sun, so although it is still beautiful beyond words, it adds to the heaviness of the situation. I cannot leave the property, so I had to give up my runs as well as my walks into town. I miss the exercise, the chance to clear my thoughts with different surroundings.
I am rationing my food because I do not know how long it will be before normality is regained. They said at first it would be for 15 days, but it has been 2 weeks now, so I doubt this will end by tomorrow. A month or maybe a bit longer seems more likely.
I am reminded often about my path of the heart. Each time I see a heart such as this one, I understand the value of belief in something greater than oneself. My night of the panic attack, the prayers that ensued, did not end my tendencies to form judgements as I hoped. But I feel a positive outcome was still obtained because I recognize the trigger immediately and double my efforts to step out of that circle.
I could not have asked for a better place to be in isolation, truly. I say a prayer of thanks each day for being here, for I know how fortunate I am.
Laura (the new caretaker of this property) and her family left last week to help her father. The property is so quiet, the contrast more vivid because while they were here, music played from the speakers for most of the day. While the silence was welcome, as I do like the quiet, after several days the complete isolation weighed on me. I was given the task of feeding the chickens and tilapia in their absence, something that gave me a great deal of pleasure. Such simple tasks, but they have meaning still
It has not been easy to realize how judgemental I can be, nor how stubborn. As I stood by the location at the river where Scott chose to die, thinking about how stubborn he was, I once again made a connection. Knowing that often when we see in others (even if it is an animal) something we can’t seem to accept or change, we may have to see it in ourselves too, in order to understand why. “The man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson comes to mind with this understanding, a song I have often found quite revealing.
With Grama Grizzley’s words echoeing in my mind, I realize I still have much work to do, the understanding of her words finally clear. I was born into a world of love, but spent most of my life battling the world forced on me, one made of hate, lies and fear. The panic attacks are representative of the war in my mind, one that I fight every day as I force it to stay behind the hope of something superior. Something I began this life with…..love.
There is a heart in every aspect of life, if we choose to see it. I am continually amazed at how often nature shows me the path I am on and the importance of being open to seeing it, sometimes in the smallest of places. Love is greater than fear or hate, it is all that matters.
I continue the fight to banish judgement and allow the beauty of a calm mind to show me what is real. I am dismantling the walls of my childhood each time I catch myself being triggered to go back there.
in this time of great uncertainty, it should not be forgotten that hope is of great value. Share it, smile at the fear you must feel and spread the joy of this day. How lucky we are……