“…..I cultivate a white rose for the true friend who offers his hand in friendship. And for the cruel one, who tears out the heart by which I live, I cultivate neither thorns nor bitter leaves. I cultivate a white rose…..”
I thought this to be such a beautiful line in the song, words to live by, for me at least, as I learn to forgive those who indeed tore out the heart by which I once lived. An interesting thing is happening though as the days pass one by one in solitude. My charging cable for my ipad and iphone broke a few weeks ago when my ipad slipped off my lap. I began to panic knowing it could be another month before I could travel to the city to buy another one. this meant no more messenger, imessage, whatsapp, the means by which I mainly keep in touch with those who have been helping me stay afloat.
Then I remembered I bought a cable in Otavalo, but it was not an authentic apple product, even though it claimed it was on the box. That should have clued me in, but at the time I was thinking….this is Ecuador. I found I could get it to charge my devises if I held just the right amount of pressure on it, but as you can imagine, charging 3 devices in this way was a bit time consuming and frustrating. But when you have no alternative, you make do with what you have available to you, you persevere. However, putting that pressure on the cable in the end broke it right where it joins the metal that goes into the phone. I realized this was how they were able to make a copycat product, but it was weak. Now I understood lines of communication were truly broken putting me in an even more isolated position.
Now that he cable had finally broke, I just accepted the idea of not having these devices to distract me. Yes, I said distract me. It began to dawn on me that my isolation has another purpose, and “Spirit’ was letting me know it was time to begin the real work. No more puzzles, Kindle, and for those who do not have email, communication.
As I have said in previous posts, I have had difficulty sleeping at night, the walls seem to close in on me and I feel the onset of panic. Last night after waking up around 3:00 am, I put effort in to understanding why. As I lay there, I began to see a similarity of my surroundings which reminded me of my childhood prison. Actually, I believe I mentioned this another time, but pointed out that this time my prison has a window allowing me to see the beauty outside. While this is true, laying in the darkness, listening to the dogs barking, I could feel my heart catch as I anticipated what might try to come through my door, which offers little protection. It was this feeling which I knew I was learning to face. The similarity in the situation, giving me a chance to change my reaction. Maybe this sounds easy, but as a child, what came through the door was always horrible, something I am not sure I can face as an adult, because now I understand possibility and I remember the pain. When we have not had the experience, we cannot anticipate possibility or understand why we should be afraid. I always compare this to giving birth. How do you explain what will be felt, which of course can be different for each woman, but still it is not something you can anticipate. You must just have your own experience. But I now realize this is what I must do – face that fear, not necessarily the cruelty. Hopefully not the cruelty!
“….Don’t put me in the dark to die like a traitor. I am good , and like the good. I will die with my face to the sun, I’m telling you.…” In relation to this line, I also quote from the movie Moglie; Legend of the Jungle; a line which goes something like this “…..we look them in the eye, so they are not alone when their spirit leaves them….”. Baghera was explaining this to Moglie after bringing down an antelope. They stood over the body holding the eye of the fallen beast so it would not die alone. I thought this was so beautiful, I suppose being more meaningful as I have realized that I could die completely alone here. I am quite sure, though many have, no one wants to die alone. The similarity of my childhood prison and being in quarantine now comes down to this notion. Being alone in that room, uncertain of what they would do to me next, is at the heart of my panic and fear today, and it is time to analyze this. As I finally was able to fall asleep this morning, I asked “Spirit”” what it is I need to remember about that room which I haven’t already, which stops me from living.
“…..This song unites over 80 musicians across the nation of Columbia, and offers a peaceful moment in the nation’s 50 year war. No matter how much diversion and struggle we face in life, we can always persevere with the power of music and love.…” The words at the beginning of the video reaching in and offering a consoling embrace. The amazing voices of the artists, the beautiful music and the meaning of the lyrics teaching me that I can endure. I already have.
The people from South America, have suffered greatly, making this video all the more meaningful. The music makes me smile, I want to dance, sing and share the joy I feel as I watch them. I am grateful to still have my computer which is allowing me to share this beauty with whoever is watching on my blog. And while so much of my story is difficult, it is important to me that you understand that at my center is this love which comes through the music, the art and the beauty I see around me. Sharing the pain does not mean I am lost in it, nor does it mean I have forgotten the gifts of my life. It is those gifts which allow me to share the pain, the sharing promotes healing.
According to my statistics, I have over 4,000 people registered on my site. While I understand this may not mean anything, because I do not hear from any of them. However, I choose to believe this means my stories, regardless or maybe because of the pain I share, is helping many. This is the reason I began this journey……
I leave you with one of my favorite jazz pieces by Ken Navarro – Morning Ride. May your day bring you peace as you allow the music to seep into your soul and remind you that we are human, we are love……..