I dreamt this morning someone wanted to buy all of my original artwork. What a great feeling to imagine someone was so interested in my art! Patrick was kind of background noise in the dream, telling me not to accept the offer. It was his opinion the buyer was not a good man and I would be sorry I sold it to him. That’s all I could really remember about the dream, but it does seem to tie into the dream yesterday about receiving a large sum of money.
I was curious about Patrick’s position in the dream in reference to the sale, so this was on my mind as I enjoyed my coffee. I was angry he was in the dream at all, having an opinion when it was none of his business. My art, my decision. This led me to start remembering how many decisions or opinions of mine were overruled by him during our life together. How he felt seemed to always be the main concern and he had a way of manipulating things to achieve the outcome he wanted. He was an excellent salesman after all. What made me crazy was once he got his way and it was too late to change our plans, he would say it was something else he wanted, this was never his choice. So it was just about control, he enjoyed manipulating me.
So if he did not wish for me to make the sale, then in my mind it was the right optional to sell I decided. I found myself really enjoying the idea of receiving all the “help” money I planned yesterday in my mind coming from the sale of my artwork, it was quite satisfying. The perfect solution.
Something else occurred to me as I did my breathing exercises last night which I feel I should mention. With my computer dying, it marks the end of an era for me. Essentially my whole life was in that computer; photos, my favorite movies, all my art scans and printing files, my book…….everything. It will all be gone now so I should be sad or angry, but I actually feel free of a longtime burden connected to patrick and the many decisions made by him related to the files. I can let go of the person he tried to make me, choose who I want to be.
The person in the computer was made of parts scripted in some ways by Patrick if that can make sense to anyone other than me. So much of what was stored on the computer was an idea of who he thought I should be or maybe what he wished I was. It’s funny how none of the plans made with him ever came to fruition, even after our marriage broke up. Still, all these years later I have felt an obligation to keep pushing for success long after wanting to stop. With the art, it was always about how great a job he did getting the image “print ready”. How much time he laboured over each piece. There didn’t seem to be any appreciation for the months I spent drawing the images, how much money and effort went into the printing costs, packaging booth costs & set ups, all of which I became responsible for. Because he bought the computer and I use that term loosely, it seemed a debt I would never be able to repay. Guilt, guilt, guilt.
I think I have lived my entire life trying to please someone else. As I sit here in the quiet of my isolation, I have come to the conclusion it is time to live for myself. The death of the computer has freed me somehow, at least from the idea of what someone else wanted me to be.
The time I have now will be interesting as I begin to see my world differently. Perhaps it is not about remembering something bad from my time in the room, but more about learning how to be quiet, find that deeper connection to who I was born to be. It was that sacred gift which was destroyed during my time in the room, therefor it makes sense I must return to face the image of me, the person they taught me to hate and distrust. It was never my fault, I can let go of the quilt.
A very interesting thing happened when I got up and opened the door to let mali outside and greet the day. Waiting at the doors edge exactly where it opens, was a large spider. They still startle me, so I jumped back and squealed when I saw him. He was just waiting there like the first customer lined up at the store at 1 minute to opening. Cheeky bugger! I grabbed the broom quickly to show him he needed to go the other way, gently guiding him down the sidewalk. I still have not reached the point where a spider that size can be tolerated in my room.
But it seemed like a clear message to me as we greeted each other. Spider can represent your ability to create the direction your life takes due to its web building capabilities. So yes it seemed spirit was confirming my mornings musings about the computer and freedom.
A week or so ago I had another dream about the spider, one which I feel is connected.
In the dream I was walking up the stairs towards the front door of my childhood home on Chalice Road in Calgary. Halfway up the stairs I looked down to see the large spider just waiting for me it seemed. Magically, as can often happen in dreams, I happened to have a perfect container to capture the spider and take it outside to release. But the spider was not about to let me do that, and went up the stairs ahead of me. It went straight across the landing to the door and waited for me to open the door. Then it jumped down onto the sidewalk and went on its merry way. It was as though it had just been waiting for me to come by and let it out. Giving me the opportunity perhaps, to have this level of control in the situation while being in the home I grew up in where I lived in fear. This was the home I was brought to after having spent time in “the Room” and having the experience with the South American bird spider. To now have control of the situation, rather than being controlled, then setting the spider free, which was as much his choice as mine, seems to indicate a measure of growth. There was also this idea In my mind that the whole fear thing was not the spiders idea – it was a victim in my childhood situation as well. But maybe that’s a bit of a fairytale conclusion I’m making.
And so ends day 2’s entry from in my no comunicado isolation journal……