No dreams, no wonderful insights through the night to report today. I am slowly learning to let go of expectation. It is not easy to quiet my mind, it has always been like a freight train, but I realize the importance of doing so now with so much quiet time to inspire me. Getting out of the cycle of self deprecation is a must if I wish to change my stars…..
Actually, as I began to write the memory of something special which did happen to me last night arrived to the foreground of my thoughts. I have been trying to remember what I was doing at the time it happened, but it eludes me. It came so suddenly, completely capturing me, filling my soul. What I saw as clearly as if I was holding the photograph in my hands, was me at the age of about 2 or 2 1/2 years old. This was before the trauma began, obvious by the beautiful smiling face I was looking at. There seemed to be a golden light around my face, which made my hair look golden as well. My eyes were sparkling with joy and I could hear the laughter I was sure was happening at the time of the photo.
This is the first memory given to me of myself at this age in many years. Never have I seen myself represented with such joy and happiness before. As I’m writing this now, as I was in the days following the gift, I am surprised at the lack of tears at the time. The image just seemed to slide into place silently without much fanfare.
The rain has started early again today and I find my thoughts turning to the desire for a big comfy chair, a fireplace and a good book. A large bowl of popcorn would be excellent as well. The simple pleasures of my former life (although I didn’t have a fireplace). As the days pass I long for my own home with a garden, flowers and privacy.
I sat on the step watching the end of the day, not yet quite dark, so the hummingbirds are still active and feeding at the flowers of the bush in front of my door. It is pretty great having this front row seat to the hummingbird show 😃. I was just about to get up and go in for the night, but changed my mind, deciding to watch the hummingbird which just came in to feed. A second later, it left the flower it was feeding on and flew towards me. It hovered right in front of my face, less than an arms length away, making its little clicking noises as it did. How amazing to see this tiny bundle of joy and light dance in frontof my eyes this way. I know it is a precious gift!
Here they say hummingbirds are the spirits of your ancestors, so to have one come to you in this way is a sign they are with you. There is also the belief a shaman becomes a hummingbird when death takes them. Either way I know I was blessed with the energy of this beautiful bird. Maybe this is a sign my prayers are being answered.
Believe in the Magic…….
