For me this day is one of remembering, but unfortunately not a good memory.
I went to bed last night full of a surprising amount of rage. I’m not really sure what triggered it, but rather than try to stop it, I let it pour out. In my mind, I screamed, t ranted, I threw out obscenities. The direction of this anger was towards everyone who has abandoned me, including and maybe especially the latest person to walk away.
But it was more than being abandoned. It was the things said and done purposely by so many with the intention of hurting me. It seemed they wanted to destroy me, and today, I feel as though they have succeeded. The desire to give up, very strong. Instead, I gave the entire, giant mess to Sapphire before finally falling asleep. Once I understood my life was built on so many lies, it has been only the truth I chase. During the last few years, knowing what little I do, there was guilt about how the truth would affect my mother, her family. Last night that sympathy went right out the window as I cursed them all.
They allowed me to suffer In order to save their reputations or their wealth, or both. They allowed a young child to be tortured, raped and isolated, for the sake of money, for the continuation of an acquired lifestyle. The truth was buried, a good life was destroyed so they wouldn’t lose that which provided them with comfort. Last night the realization of all I went through so they didn’t have to lose what they cherished made me erupt, condemning them all to the fires of hell.
Waking sometime through the night with another memory, I began all over to curse them for their hate and greed, for being such cowards. There just were not enough words to aim at them for the acts of cruelty against me and how many others.
In my dream, being, after watching my surrogate mother being thrown from the plane, I too was made to fly out the door of the plane. I screamed as I fell, watching the others who fell with me. Suddenly there was a man holding me from behind he was dressed in a brown suit and he tried to comfort me as he held me close. And then just as suddenly, he was gone. He continued to fall as I was lifted up, now falling at a much slower rate. I was wearing a parachute, and he pulled the necessary chord for me, saving my life. My mind could not connect to the action required to make the parachute open, my fear and the extreme cold preventing me from doing as I was instructed. My light summer dress was all I was wearing, my small body not protected from the cold air at such a high altitude. I presume I would have landed in the ocean along with those I accompanied out of the plane. Their bodies would have smashed into the water, the ocean becoming their grave, dying anonymously as they drifted, then sank into the depths.
Curling up in a tight ball as I tried to stop the shivering, I once more felt the rage boil to the surface. No longer having concern for those who can be hurt by my unexpected presence. Given a choice, I would throw them all into their own rooms of silent torture to endure what I went through. How else could they understand the extent of their selfishness and what it cost me? Last night and this morning, there were no possible explanations justifying their actions, there never will be.
While I understand it is not up to me to decide the fate of any of them, it felt great to give the pent up anger it’s rightful place. Over the years, the power of my anger when I allowed it to seep out, frightened me. It carried with it the possibility of doing terrible things in retaliation. I did not want to be such a person, whose hate destroyed them, the anger kept carefully in check, avoiding the possibility.
My silent screams filled the air last night, the full weight of the the burden I’ve carried for so long felt by those responsible, dead or alive. Of this I am sure. I will carry them no longer.
Today I feel empty. For as long as necessary, I will allow this hopelessness to exist in me. Feeling like this as an adult, how must it have felt for a child of 3 years? Trapped in a box, never knowing why or for how long she must endure. The death of everyone she loved placed firmly on her shoulders, a guilt carried throughout her entire life. Today she began the process of releasing all of it.
All I wanted was truth, what I received was lies, guilt and deception. Sapphire took my burdens. If it is my responsibility of proving who I am, then the means must somehow be provided for me to continue this journey in order to do so. The opportunity and the proof must come to me, I have looked for it for 30 years and will no longer do so. I am empty, the responsibility now belongs to spirit. Without proof, this is a fight I cannot win, I understand that, nor can I continue alone. I am indeed at a crossroads, but until the correct path is clearly defined, and the means provided to continue arrive, I will wait right here. There is no longer a choice for me.