Sitting by the river yesterday afternoon, I watched a man cast his net. Time and again he threw the net into the river changing locations after each throw. Time and again, the net came up empty – no trout.
It was hard not to worry about him, the mountain goes straight into the water, there is no shore on that side. He had literally slid down the steep slope on his backside, stopping just before he ended up in the water. Maneuvering around the vegetation, over or around the rocks to be able to cast another throw. The river is still high, the current very strong, the rocks slippery after all the rain of late.
Charles told me last week, we received the normal months total rainfall (at least since he’s been keeping record) in just 2 days, a few days before his visit. The rain had actually stopped him from going into town, due to several serious mud slides blocking the road. I often think of my New Year’s Eve and day Standing on the balcony watching the rain. Marina’s comment about the year being brought in with tears, seems very appropriate as the weeks pass and the rain continues.
While watching, the net continued to come up empty. They began to move up river, past the fallen tree. This is when I left, so did not see if they eventually were successful. It seemed an appropriate comparison to my life in general as I watched them. My journey beginning (metaphorically speaking) with a slide down the mountain slope to walk a dangerous path along the raging river. Time and again as I cast my net into the river, it continues to come up empty. Still I am ever hopeful of one day finding my net full of fish…..
There are moment where I feel defeated today, the beauty of only a few days ago seems lost again. This is part of the emptiness though and I vowed to let it linger as long as was necessary. It is part of the grieving process. Through the night the anger returned, blasting those who stood at arms length so they did not have to see the truth of what was happening. They will not escape responsibility because they chose to ignore it. There is always a price for our actions, acknowledged or not.
To have so much hate for one man, you would allow such crimes against humanity exist, goes beyond my capabilities of understanding.
My tyrant ended with much gratitude to my father, whose love was my anchor. He was the only one to stay through all those years. I am suddenly amazed by this truth. The people responsible for the violent and cruel acts in my life called him (my father) a monster. He did not throw people out of a plane to their deaths, he did not rape women and children. No they were the monsters hiding behind their fear of him.
As I allow myself to feel angry for the loss of my beautiful child self, I can understand my fathers motivations more. As I lay awake last night it was difficult to imagine finding a semblance of my child self. We cannot go back, only stand still or move forward. Right now it seems I am standing still. These sleepless hours each night seem to indicate progress is being made on an inner level. The anger suggests there is still desire to move forward.
The helplessness when looking at my very poor financial situation however suggests my time has come to an end. It is not easy to accept after such a long and difficult road, it ends with an empty net. Yet this is the reality I am facing. The end of quarantine does not change my circumstances, only ensures the certainty of the outcome.
The magic of knowing my fathers spirit never left me, that he did not abandon me, even in death, gave me such comfort. The anger dissipated once more accepting this man loved me so much. Had he truly been a monster, would his spirit have been allowed to remain with me all these years? Would he have been given the grace to be the one to comfort me throughout my life?
My mother chose to protect her reputation, her name, rather than claim me as her own. Her children, my fathers children, all part of my family chose to deny me. This has been the source of my anger – accepting the truth of their choices and what that did to me. How it affected every aspect of my being to be so thoroughly rejected by those who could have saved me, still can.
But once more, as I remember the love of my father, peace came upon me, sleep came at last. Today, I feel completely drained which is difficult to comprehend when I should feel rested having had so much time here. However, as I write, I also realize how much energy has been tied into, first controlling so much emotion for a lifetime, then releasing them.
While I cannot, at this moment, visualize success on the other side of this situation, I have surrendered the outcome to Sapphire. My worries are given each day to the river. I do not feel as though I have ever had a say in the direction my life would go. But I have always fooled myself into thinking my choices mattered, would make a difference. I have found it interesting during the last few days, there have been no tears – pretty unusual for me.
Today I was lucky enough to see 2 new species of hummingbirds come to the flowers outside my room. One I think was the calliope based on its super small size. Until you see one, you think all hummingbirds are small, but this little guy makes the others look grande by comparison. The other one has a very curved beak, white tail feathers and interesting marks on its face and back. I will have to do a search for it when I have battery power again. Of course they move so fast, it is difficult to see the markings for long. Kind of a blur. But the hook beak should help me identify it. Here’s hoping…..
Really, it doesn’t matter because it was a gift just to see them, so having a name doesn’t improve the experience. It’s just so great having this bush outside my door where I can spend time watching them. Sort of an encouraging sign today after the past nights of difficulty. This afternoon, there was a hint of feeling beautiful once more, a feeling of more positive times to come. The smallest of gifts can do that……