It has been 2 weeks since my computer died in a flash of light, leaving me unable to communicate with the outside world. The world beyond Victoria Ecolodge.
It was a quiet night, no dreams that I could remember, although I know I dreamt. I had been able to keep the batteries alive on my phone and iPad for the past 2 weeks, only checking email and the time every now and then, but could not reply. Officially this morning at 7:47, they are all dead. I think while there was that last 3-4% I held onto the hope of a rescue. But now I admit I am a little depressed again, not knowing how much longer this will go on.
Charles stopped by today on his way into town. He picked up a few things for me, my gratitude bursting at the seams. It was very nice to have my rather long day interrupted by his visit.
He gave me the latest news, something I have not been able to do without my devices. Unfortunately though, he is not optimistic about Ecuador. So many are having trouble getting food, especially on the coast. Some families sent their children to relatives living here Because they can’t feed them. He told me about the schools having a program here providing the students with one good meal a day, which for some is the only good meal they get. I know there are similar issues in Canada as well. Because schools are closed, these children have not been receiving that meal. The government, at last gave permission for the meals to be delivered to the families. But these communities are miles apart, the organization involved more than we can probably imagine as they bring the food in pots, not individual servings.
He feels the quarantine will last for as long as a year, simply because they do not have the resources to handle a large number of people getting sick. This is difficult to imagine, if the situation is already so grim.
Alone again with my thoughts, I can’t help but wonder what will happen to me and Mali. I cannot see the other side of this problem. Sometimes without anyone to help me get out of my head, the thoughts just go round and round. It has become necessary to teach my mind to go quiet, bring in the light and trust I am in the right place at the right time. Some days are better than others.
The doom and gloom of his news seemed enhanced by the weather today. The sun barely able to poke his head out from the heavy clouds. I decided to make a cup of tea and sit on the bench the other side of my building. Here I can watch the river, something which usually gives me some peace. As my thoughts moved around trying to twist them into a more positive light, the heavens opened up and a heavy rain began. Somehow it seemed to be perfect timing. As the water pooled on the ground in front of me, a sense of knowing came. Just as I cannot control the rain or the sun for that matter, the destiny of my life too, was something I must let go of. Entrusting it’s direction to spirit, allowed me to imagine being in my square home (from my dreams yesterday). With the coolness of the rain settling in around me, the warm glow of the lights in my studio welcomed me as I envisioned the home I wished to live in.
These thoughts erased the events happening in the world, my home and it’s comforts replacing those of a more uncomfortable setting. Returning to my room and closing the door against the cool air, I pulled out my cards to play solitaire. This is one of the only distractions available to me. My mind continued to focus on being safe as I played. This reminded me of times when coming in from a storm, a hot chocolate and a bowl of popcorn went well with a good movie or book to read. Sitting in a comfortable chair under the warm glow of a lamp while the storm continued on filled me with a romantic feeling. My imagination will have to do as none of these luxuries are available to me, well except for the hot chocolate which I can make on my single burner hot plate.
The idea of being safe, having a comfortable home and someone to share it with seemed to completely take over me. The warm glow was inside of me, the knowing this was all I have ever wanted – this sense of security and love. It is easy for me to assume this comes from the the short period in my life, those first 2 years, when this was the world I experienced.
Yesterday, I mentioned wishing to live on an island (well perhaps I didn’t say it exactly like that) my inability to cope with the world due to sensory overload behind this desire. And yes, I happen to find myself in almost complete isolation. It occurred to me yesterday after the dreams of the night, the seclusion was desired to better know myself, who I am and what I want….no interference. The iridologist explained my sensitivity to me, which helped me understand why I have such a difficult time being around people. As it turns out, this is most of the time, even if others didn’t realize it, but hiding normally is really not an option. Today, right now with the virus situation, it is encouraged. But it is not as easy as we imagine. I encourage to to think about the last time you did not speak to anyone for more than a day. I have gone 2 weeks not having a conversation at times. The silence becomes heavy.
As the thoughts of being in my cozy imagined home, enjoying the security of a well rounded life, it became obvious at last what I know I want. It is exactly that – the feeling deep inside as I walk into my home. The comfort which comes from knowing this is where you belong, being loved and loving in return replaces all other desires. Contentment, this what I feel as I write, an easy contentment.
The other night when I woke in the wee hours, I could feel the arm of a man around me. It was so real, I turned to look at him, but of course there was no one. I wondered who he was, not seeing his face, but feeling his reassuring presence. It seems to me as I sit listening to the rain, darkness complete outside, I am calling to me the world I wish to end my years in. With no distractions, the thoughts are clear, the feeling suppressed by outside noise no longer interfering. I am free to choose.